Doubt to Confidence

It is a strange realization when you realize that the love that you have for yourself is conditional.  The love that I have for myself is conditioned upon what I am able to accomplish.  If I am able to get a lot done, finish all of my goals, accomplish what I set out to do and when my life is going well and I am living up to my expectations of myself I am confident and making good and decisive choices because I love myself.  When I am not doing the above things I am not confident and I have a hard time making choices and I second guess myself.  Those are the times when I do not love myself.  If I could continue to love myself despite mistakes and setbacks then I would be able to bounce back out of those setbacks much easier.  Rather then having to prove to myself that I am worthy to be loved I could just forgive myself and move on making confident choices again.

I am shamefully a yeller.  I am fully capable of being a sane and level headed mother but when I do not love myself and when I feel guilty and when I do not love myself I also feel like others should not love me either.  I tend to want to be a grouch and distance myself from others.  I was having the worst night and unfortunately for the plate involved because it ended up shattered.  I was just yelling about everything mostly about everything that I had asked the kids to do which they had not done.  Not that my rampage was not shameful enough and of course the guilt was building up I then had the sweetest children in the world, if I do say so myself, tell me, “We love you Mom.”  What sweet spirits full of unconditional love for me.  I am humbled and learning from their sweet example to me.  Despite my rampage and the broken plate they still loved me, could I do the same thing and love myself and others unconditionally just as my kids did for me and the Savior does for us.  Through this experience I can see a glimmer of light as to what the pure love of Christ is,  It is unconditional and perfect.

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  When you feel like you are not good enough, have not done enough, and are not confident in your choices...choose to love, yourself.

2.)  "We’re not sayin' you can change him,

‘Cause people don’t really change.
We’re only saying that love's a force
That's powerful and strange.
People make bad choices if they’re mad,
Or scared, or stressed.
Throw a little love their way.

Throw a little love their way.
And you’ll bring out their best...

...Father!
Sister!
Brother!
We need each other to raise

Us up and round us out." (Wilson, Frozen, 2013)

Love can change how we treat ourselves, others, and become vulnerable to others.

3.)  Getting hurt is just apart of life we are going to disappoint ourselves and those we love but love, forgiveness, and trust are what we are learning and unconditional love can help pull this off.

Have Faith

I read the quote the the other day by Joan of Arc.

I am not afraid...I was born to do this.

There is much that I could fear in this life and have feared.

• What others think about Me
• Failure
• Making a Mistake
• Hurting Someones Feelings
• Vulnerability
• Feeling excited and Happy
• Feelings of hope and being let down

As my confidence grows and I trust in the Lord and his plan for me my fears fade.

I want to address the first Fear right now.

My mom gave my daughter a book for her birthday You are special by Max Lucado.  It is a great book I highly recommend it.  She loves it and wants to read it everyday.  It's about this woodcarver that makes wooden puppets and they live in a town and they all hand out stickers judging each other.  If they thought they were a good wooden person then they gave them star stickers and if they thought they were not a good wooden person then they would give each other dot stickers.  One wooden person that had many dots didn't think highly of himself because the other wooden people didn't either went to see the woodcarver.  The woodcarver told him that he was special because he made him and that it didn't matter what the others thought only what he thought.  And that if he believed that then the stickers wouldn't sitck to him star or dots.  It is an awesome book!  It just reminds me that it really doesn't matter what others think it only matters what the Lord who made me thinks and he loves me and thinks I'm special so what anyone else thinks doesn't really matter.  So the comments that others have for me don't need to stick either way, good or bad, just like the stickers wouldn't sitck if they didn't care what they thought.

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  When I believe that I am Special then it doesn't matter what others think or comment about me.

2.)  When I let this fear guide me then I become someone that I am not.

3.)  I can achieve more when I believe in myself and face things face front and believe that my mission is important enough to fight for regardless of fear.

To Love

It's amazing the difference it makes in behavior, outlook, self-esteem, and happiness when you decide it's okay to love yourself and allow others to love you.

Daily Mistakes...

Each and everyday is filled with both a jar half empty or full and even if it's leaning toward one way or the other you can always find the good, that is the glory in opposition in all things. No matter what we can find good in it. I feel like I can be grateful and find all of those good things but when it comes to me making a mistake I have the hardest time getting past it. I hate it, absolutely hate making mistakes. I am a fairly capable and knowledgeable person and I am able to make good and correct choices most of the time. But the reality is that it is impossible to do it 100% of the time. So inevitably I make mistakes pretty much daily. One mistake takes my Jar full of water no matter what level of fullness or emptiness it is at and it drops a big black drop of food coloring in it and turns the whole thing black murky and miserable. I have come to realize recently that the big black drop of die that perverts my clean water is telling me that because I am not perfect I am no longer worthy of being loved. And because I feel like I am no longer able to be loved I push away those around me that I do love because, "How could people like or enjoy me or love me if I make mistakes, if I'm not perfect, if I don't live up to what they need or want from me." These thoughts and feelings would bring me down and make life miserable making me more inclined to make even more mistakes then the first that was most likely a very innocent mistake. It would become a very vicious cycle for me.

Turning Points...
I remember a story of when I was in Junior High School and I was sleeping over at a friends house who lived a couple blocks away. And we were up late giggling and having a ball it was past midnight and into the early morning and I started to feel sick and I couldn't sleep and my friend, who, by the way, was a hypochondriac, suggested very strongly that she thought I should go home to sleep and be with my family. I agreed and walked home in the dark cold and I got to my house and realized that I did not have a house key I knocked quietly on the front door but not enough for anyone to hear while they slept. And instead of bothering anyone or inconveniencing anyone I would have rather sleep on the front porch in the cold without a coat or blanket and with the flu. As I was thinking about this memory I thought, "What if that was my daughter cold and sick out on the front porch I would have been so sad and would have wanted to reach out to her and love her and take care of her even if it was 2 or 3 in the morning." And it occurred to me that I was worth it too. That it was okay for me to bother someone or need something and that it was okay for me to love myself enough to knock a bit louder or to ring the doorbell or go knock on my parents window, that I was worth it.

The greatest love and example of love that I know is from my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so truly grateful that I have been able to feel of his love and that I have been able to have others bless me from their love and concern to help show me that I am worth it that I am loved even when I don't get everything right. In Mark Chapter 12 versus 30 and 31 Jesus talks about the greatest commandment and that it is to "^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy ^cstrength" and that the second greatest is like it "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I truly believe that loving our selves is included in this and that in order for us to fully love like we need to we must first love ourselves, mistakes and all. As I put my trust in the lord and in his love for me I know that I can change and that I can have my thoughts turn to him and to love instead of feelings of despair and hopelessness. For I know that he loves me enough to care about my tears and my anguish and I am truly grateful for him. Through him my best is good enough and he can make up the difference and he continues to care and love despite my weakness and imperfections. People do have limitations and do make mistakes and therefore I can forgive those who have not loved me when I have faltered and failed and will love myself instead and continue to do my best daily.

Lessons in Progress:

1) Love yourself

2) Love Others

3) Don't let negative thoughts get us down instead turn our thoughts to the Lord and his love and trust in him.

Trust Yourself!

So the lesson that I learned at church today and I did not want to for get was to trust myself, and don't fear.

I must admit that I am very much a rule follower. But as of late need to remember that my opinion and what I think could also be a rule. And that I know a lot and I have a lot of knowledge in a lot of things. Such as Dance I have a lot of experience in dance. I know a lot of moves and can do a lot of choreography and sometimes I doubt myself and fear that I won't remember all of the things that I've learned. Instead I need to be confident in myself, my ability, and my knowledge. And that the more I fear the less I can do and the more I believe in myself and do my best the more that I can do. The first Presidency message in the new Ensign really emphasized and helped me in realizing this concept for me. Check it out, Living the Abundant Life by President Thomas S. Monson.

Don't try Running...

...away from thing that you can't run away from. Think how frustrating and hopeless it feels trying to get rid of something you can't get rid of or trying not to have something that you just have.

Part of Life...

There are many things that are just a part of life. I have the hardest time accepting those things and just working through it. So, let's see....what are some of those things? Hmmm Okay like feeling sad and mad and frustrated and anxious. I hate feeling those things I do my best at trying not to feel those things and when I do have to feel those things I get mad and upset. Because I'm trying so hard not to feel them that it makes me mad when I do. The reality is that I have to feel those things, everybody does. So trying to run from them is not only impossible but it makes it worse. Maybe they could be good things. Maybe feeling sad could be a good thing and maybe being mad could be a good thing as long as I control myself and deal with them I could feel happy afterwards. I mean afterall that could be a good sign of me being human and living life. I could stop pinching myself. :)

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Stop running!

2.) Accept my feeling and work through them.

3.) Be confident in myself and believe that I can control myself and that I can cope and deal with any problem at hand. I am a capable person.

Find the Learning Experience

Although I understand that there can be good to every experience it isn't always easy to find. Often times the worst experiences that we have are really learning experiences and that's how we can make them positive and work for us in the future.

My Life right now...

is full of some of those worst moments that you just know aren't going to get better unless you just face it and fix it. While I was sitting here trying to decide what to write I couldn't decide so I counted 10 different things, on my fingers thank goodness I didn't have anymore things or I would have ran out of fingers. And they are really hard things, things that just can't fix themselves out easily. I'm glad that I have decided to face them and fix them instead of hide them inside of me.

I'm really sad that I lost my grandpa a couple weeks ago. It's really hard to loose someone you love and have such good memories with but at the same time he was suffering and I'm glad that he doesn't have to anymore. I'm glad that I know that he's in a better place with my Heveanly Father right now.

I don't know what it is about bad things in life but it seems like they all catch you at once. I feel like I've been out of order for quite a while now. At first I kept trying to push all my feelings away and disregard them and I was having a lot of anxiety over it much like how I used to do things. Then I realized that I had to accept my feelings and accept how things really are and what I really wanted in life and that I would be okay in the end no matter what happened as long as I was honest with myself. And I've been really sad but at least now I can say I'm going to learn something from this even though it really hurts.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: When you fear something that you think is so terrible you can't confront it and you can't be confident in your choices and feelings. So let go of the fear and face it head on, honestly.

#2: Hiding feeling that you don't want to have only makes it so that you can't have feelings that you do want to have and deserve to have.

#3: Making choices in this life is hard to do and there isn't always an easy answer but if you take some time think about what you really want even if it may be harder you can feel better about yourself and be that much more commited to your choice.

#4: Don't let life just lead you, you lead your life.

#5: Just when you think life is really really bad it's important to remember all the things that are great too, there is always a few somethings.

"I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." - Dr. Seuss

Respect Yourself.

I think once you start respecting yourself and saying what you feel and knowing that you are important enough to do those things others around you can respect you and they notice that they can't walk on you.

People Pleasing...

Me being a People Pleaser I've had a really hard time saying how I feel or doing what I need to do especially if it conflicts with how someone else feels. It is really a negative thing for my self confidence and my self concept even. I had an experience where I just said how I felt even though a friend of mine was saying something different. Because I'm not always this way she seemed shocked but really afterwords I felt more respect. If we do not respect ourselves other don't either.

This has really turned into a positive thing for me. I feel like I can make this weakness of mine into a positive thing. I still want to please people but instead of giving up myself identity to do I speak my peace in a kind way that would not be intended to hurt someone, and explain myself if necessary. But also because I like to please others it brings many good qualities. Like being a good friend and listener, and being willing to help when others need you. These are positive things that I can embrace about myself and throw out the part where I lose myself in it. The balance needs to be there.

I have really been doing my breathing twice a day and thinking positive thoughts and I have been not only recognizing the times that I do mess up but also making efforts to change them. This is giving me more confidence to say what I think and have more confidence in my choices.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: I need to give myself enough respect to say what I feel and give myself the time that I need so that I'm not always giving so that I can also give to myself.

#2: Embrace myself even the weaknesses because they can only make me stronger.

#3: Constantly worrying about what others think about me and how they might react if I disagree is a waste of time and energy it's also counterproductive and unnecessary, and mostly it causes a lot of anxiety.

#4: The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have to change what I am thinking and my actions if I expect to recover from anxiety.

#5: Don't forget my breathing and meditation in the morning it grounds me and is helping me change my thinking and behavior and therefore easing the Anxiety.

People are who they are.

This theme that I've been learning a lot about lately really has two different meanings for me. One is that I am much happier now that I am accepting myself and my feelings and now that I am learning about who I am and more so, accepting myself. The second part of this is that other people are going to be themselves and weather we think we should have a different relationship with them than what we have, we can not change other people it's best to accept them for them.

Being Me...

I noticed myself accepting things about myself that I don't necessarily see as a good thing but now I know that it's apart of self acceptance. I sometimes hate the fact that I love order and in the past as come off like I'm trying to control. When in fact order is a good thing and cleanliness are good things it's just when it gets to the point of control or overdoing it is when it becomes a problem. I have made many changes these past couple weeks in embracing myself that have changed my outlook and made life a lot better for me. Because I like things clean I had this goal that was unattainable and I just recently made it attainable and I am putting it into action. My past goal of cleaning the whole house once a day and then deep cleaning once a week. Which I have now realized in unrealistic in a perfect "Lindsay World" it would be fabulous but I don't live in that world so my new goal is one chore a day and each day of the week is assigned a chore. Monday- Paperwork
Tuesday-Bathrooms
Wednesday-Wash Furniture
Thursday-Dusting/Windows
Friday-Floors
Saturday-Laundry/iron
Sunday-Rest
Everyday-Planner and Clean Kitchen after meals
This system which I have accepted as acceptable works much much better than the other because I can actually do this one and I don't get overloaded and frustrated and give up most of the time. And my housework actually gets done more efficiently.

Another change I have made is accepting the fact that I love my planner I love having my routine and I love my chore charts for the girls and I love our house rules especially the one where we only eat in the kitchen and I have accepted that even if this is not the norm for all families it is what I want and it is what is working for me. I have also accepted that if I what these things to always work there is change in life so there will also need to be a change in the way things are organized but if I keep it organized I will be happy.

Accepting Others...

The most difficult people to accept sometimes are the ones you think should be a certain way which are not. Loved ones for example. There have been some things that I have been hurt by from my father recently and I shared them with him. I expected things to go a lot better and then hopefully get a better relationship with him. But what I realized was that he is content with the current situation and does not wish to change it he was very defensive and blaming. His intentions are good but he feels a victim and picked on so I feel like I will not be able to change that and in turn that means he will continue to feel that way and judge me based on that paradigm. It's best for me to accept him and his view on things so that I do not have false hope and just acceptance of the current situation and if times heals it then that is the only thing that will because my voice which I'm glad I was able to share it gave me more confidence in myself but it did not change things and I can at least know that I have a voice and I have feelings and even though he was not willing to validate them I can validate them for myself.

Lessons in Progress...
#1: Changing myself has been really not about changing me but accepting me. Which has in turn changed me and my disposition and the way I deal with other people because I can confidently and kindly say how I feel.

#2: Even though I was not able to resolve the conflict I was having with my father I was able to resolve it with myself. I know I spoke to him respectfully and kind and I know I validated his feelings and I know I stood up for me and my feelings which in the end is a victory for me.

#3: I can't change others but I control myself and my feelings and I cannot keep allowing my feelings to be hurt so accept how others view the relationship so I don't keep putting myself in a position to be hurt.

#4: Sharing my feelings is a major part of accepting myself and most people will accept them and even in the cases where people do not you cannot risk holding them back for that reason, for risk is the only way to truly stand up for yourself.

"Change the Changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable." -Denis Waitly

Choose What you Want.

I find it fascinating that I often choose something based on what others think and based on how others feel even when it seems that they would not be hurt in return. I do think that my anxiety plays a big part in this, I am constantly thinking about how others think or even how I just think that they will think and it's hard to make choices because I'm so anxious about all of those things that I make myself think about which may or may not be and ultimately should demand my decisions.

Build a Bear...

So, grandma came for a visit last weekend and it's always a blast when grandma comes but this time it was an especially exciting trip because grandma took the girls to Build a Bear and let them make their own stuffed animal. I honestly didn't quite understand the hype about the place until we went there and got to see the whole process in action, the girls loved and the employee was so good with them, I was impressed with the whole experience. Anyway, the story I'm about to tell doesn't take place this day exactly. So we were at home talking about their cute cuddly toys from build a bear and one of my daughters new lovey for bedtime. And my other daughter said, "I really wanted the white one." (The White one is pictured above picture from the build a bear website.) Well Mom, Dad, and Grandpa didn't care for the white one so we thought we'd ask her if she wanted to Brown one instead. It was a perfectly innocent question on our part which she agreed that she would prefer the brown one. So she got the brown Horse and was and is very happy with it. She tell me however that she was sad that she didn't pick the white one. I decided that this was a perfect moment to teach my child about making our choices no matter what anyone else thought. It's never to early to teach the necessities of life. I also decided that it was a great moment for me to learn to just let her have the funny looking pony because she likes it. It's not going to be my Stuffy it's going to be hers to love. In the end we decided that if she would earn half the money for the white one I would pay for the other half. And she was excited that her brown pony would have a friend.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Make your choice for you because in the end you are going to be stuck with your choice.

#2: Let your children make their choice and deal with the consequences of them. It is a good idea to give them guidance and direction but when their heart is leaning somewhere let them go, they need to gain confidence in making their choices.

Don't Forget Me Time.

One thing I do feel like I do a good job at our house is keeping a routine and a schedule for me and the girls. It helps with discipline because the girls know what to expect when. It helps me do get all the things I need and all the things that the girls need. To get things done and to get some rest. It works well in our home and it also gives me the chance to be more flexible because I'm not so nervous to break the schedule because I know it's still there and it will come right back when I'm done doing something else. It also helps because my husband works shifts and he's home during the week alot or working on the weekends and this gives me some kind of stability and feeling like I have some control over my life and schedule even though his work schedule changes all the time. Our Schedule, it's made a few changes over time.

Two Minutes...

Part of our routine that is very important is what we call our two minutes. Everyone gets at least two minutes of individual undivided attenttion once a day. We do ours before naps/quiet time. My husband or I spend two minutes doing what our children want to do just spending time with them. Then we get our time. My friend calls it her Peace. I like that! I have to do something I like to do, rest, or watch TV. Yesterday it didn't happen I got the girls put down and then I had work to do so I did that instead of rest. And I was very angry and upset the rest of the day.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 It's important for me to spend time doing something that I enjoy each day. If I don't I can't take care of others properly. Also, I get angry. Also when my girls don't get their time they get angry too. A number one reason for anger is when we feel like we aren't getting what we need.

#2 Make a routine that works for you and stick with it. It is important for me to keep my sanity.

#3 Doing what I need to do can give me more confidence. (I love bright colors and those flowers from others who care and table cloth reflect that to me.)

Go Down the Path Less Traveled.

Sometimes the path less traveled is the path that we need to take. It's scary and we haven't been down it much so it isn't easy but the more we go down the path the easier it gets. I read an article by Bruce K Fordham in the Ensign about how we think and how we can change it and it really helped me to visualize our brains and to give me hope that if I keep practicing and if I keep trying to change my negative thoughts into good thoughts that it will get easier. It's called Think About what you are Thinking about. Check it out it is a good one.

House...

One of the biggest things that has affected me lately is the fact that the only way for me to fix something is for me to be honest about it. We wanted to buy a house recently but finally had to accept the fact that it really would be better for us to wait to buy until we can save some more money and be more prepared. It was really hard because we loved the house and we really wanted it and we had to tell some friends that we wouldn't be buying their home which is a whole other hard thing for me and we had to realize that we aren't going to buy our own home for awhile. That was really hard to accept and to admit and I still am kind of sad about the house but I feel better that we did what we needed to do but I am emotionally drained today. But if I wasn't honest with myself and others I would put myself in a situation where I didn't want to have feelings at all anymore and I would stop thinking and feeling and just let life make choices for me instead and me make the choices. It was hard and it's something that I'm not used to doing.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I keep making my own choices and thinking for myself it will get easier and I will gain more confidence.

#2 The truth is the only way to set yourself free.

#3 Changing what we do and how we think takes a lot of work and time but it can become the path well traveled.

Trust and Control.

There are far too many things in this life that I do not control. In fact, there is only one thing that I do control. And that happens to be me. A lot of my energy, worry, and anxiety come from things that I want to change or think I have to change that I cannot change and that I cannot control. If I could just take all that energy that goes into worrying, manipulating, and trying to control things that are really beyond my control and put that energy into changing what I can change, my life would be a lot easier and happier.

Trust...

I have a really hard time trusting people and for a long long time I really believed that I trusted people. When I admitted to myself that I did not trust people I felt sad about it but at the same time I was relieved because I knew I had admitted the truth to myself. In other words I came out of Denial. I know it is cliche to say but it's so true that once you can admit it you can change it. I was talking to my sister about marriage and about how she was nervous about some things with a guy she was dating but she didn't really know for sure if she should worry. And it was then that I realized that once I stopped thinking I could control my husband and realized that he was his own person with his own choices and that I couldn't worry about what could be or what might happen is when I realized that I did Trust him. Control is apart of trusting others. If you feel like you need to control others you cannot trust them because you do not believe they will do what is right on their own. The other thing that is important with control and trust is that you have enough confidence in yourself to know that if something were to happen that is bad ever in your life that you could handle it. I will not die and I will move on and be able to make life good no matter what happens. Bad things will happen in my life a lot of things that are going to be outside of my control and I can accept the reality, feel the feelings, and move past it. I will not ignore things that are going on in my life, I will deal with them, and move on. My sister knew that in order for herself to move past this she had to talk things out and she did or so she said I'm going to have to talk to her and see how it went.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Once I learn to trust and control myself I can learn to trust others.

#2: Believe that most people are good and have good intentions at heart. My husband truly wants to do what is best for me and that can bring me peace.

#3: Bad things do happen lucky for me God controls them and he doesn't give me anything that I cannot handle.

#4: When I worry about things that I cannot control I rob myself of being the best person I can be.

#5: I don't control my kids, I teach them. (that's a whole other story for another day.)

you have to Change.

In order for my life to change and for me to change I have to change and I have to do something different. I think bad things about myself and I do have low self-esteem. I have been struggling with this pretty much my whole life. I love my dad and I am not blaming my dad for the way that I am but I am just saying that this may be the reason that I do think bad things about myself is because my dad used to call me bad names and yell at me a lot. A couple of the things that he really got upset about was going to bed and getting up in the morning. I started my day off thinking bad thoughts about myself and believing them the rest of the day. This happened for a long time. Now I believe that it is going to take me a long time to change it. But in order to change it I have to actively do something to change it. So I've started thinking good thoughts about myself and doing my breathing every morning and night and I'm already starting to see changes in the way I think others percieve me and in the way I treat my behaviors and being more confident in myself and my actions. I have also struggled a lot with going to sleep and getting myself up in the morning and I find it a lot easier to do when I'm thinking good things about myself.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: You can't expect something to change if you do not do something to change it.

#2: Changing the way you think is hard and it takes a lot of time to change. Especially when it's taken a lot of time to set up the way you think.

#3: Thinking good things about yourself can literally make you a better person. The power of the mind is unmeasurable.

Speak my peace.

I was having a problem with an insurance company I was working with. I just felt the whole time that my agent was witholding information and that I wasn't getting all the information and then I found out that I had two other indemnity policies which I thought I only had one policy and then she finally got me all the paperwork and she had signed my name on papers to sign me up for these policies. And I was really angry and felt like I had been cheated and lied to and very angry. But more than angry about it I was very nervous to talk to the lady and customer service about the situation. I even tried talking myself into that this wasn't a big deal just so that I wouldn't have to talk to someone about such an outrageous contentious topic. I finally got the nerve after three nights of practice and the first time I talked to her she did deny and then I got the papers and knew that I was right and I called canceled my policy and told her why and the truth and it was very freeing to be able to say the truth even if it wasn't flattering and it was very hard to say.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: I'm important and I matter and if someone has done something to wrong me I have the right to do and say something about it.

#2: There is a right way to address conflict and I can do it in a calm professional way and I can have confidence and control of myself when I do it.

#3: People do listen when I speak.

Breathing Works.

I have been frustrated with the amount of frustration I have been feeling lately and that of course makes me more frustrated and I was having a horrible no good very bad day. And I think it was when the burner on my dinner mysteriously turned of and I had to re-cook my 20 min. dinner again and the baby was crying and the other kids were ready to eat and I had everything else cooked and ready to go and I went into panic attack mode. Crying, screaming, and throwing a fit and feeling like I've lost control of myself. So I removed myself from the room to my bedroom and let myself be mad about it and then I started to Breath. I do have to admit that the deep breathing works well and I also think that it worked well because I have been practicing my breathing for the past month morning and night. I used to think I don't need to learn how to breath "I know how to breath" but it really does help to breath in and I held it for 5 seconds and let it out and then consciously figured out what was going on and could see the situation more objectively. I was mad but I was okay and I was safe. So that's what I told myself while I was breathing and I calmed down and felt better about it. Unfortunately though I returned and felt more panic over the situation and had to remove myself and breath again and work through it all over again. It's days like these especially when I am really being proactive and getting things accomplished and doing and planning fun activities with the kids and then I loss it still and still everything seems to go wrong.

Lessons in Progress..

#1) Things just go wrong that is just life. It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong. It doesn't mean that I am wrong or bad.

#2) I'm going to have bad days no matter how much progress I make and I might have to do my breathing exercises all day long.

#3) I'm never there, I'm always working on it. Once I stop working on it I go back to worse.

#4) I need to accept my feelings, accept the current reality, and stop thinking bad and unrealistic things about life or myself.

Music.

So today I have been a total basket case. I've been angry at silly things and I've been not feeling like doing anything and just wanting to be lazy. Until late in the night when we were coming home from the Young Women's Fundraiser Chili Dinner which I almost didn't go to because my Husband was at work and I didn't know if I wanted to brave it with the three little ones on my own but I did anyway and it was nice. The Young Women sang some really nice songs, one in particular hit me just right. She sang about how she came to this earth to let her light shine and that she was meant to do a special purpose. And I realized that I was meant to fulfill a special purpose too and I can't just be lazy and think that I am going to fulfill my responsibilities or even be happy in living them when all I want to do is nothing.

Drive Home...

During my drive home a really good song came on the radio. And I decided that I didn't care what my husband or any other adult thought I was going to blare that song and sing it and jam. And it was a blast. (My husband hates it when I turn the music up loud oh and roll the window down too.) I just loved it. I had so much fun singing that song I just felt so happy just enjoying being myself and doing what felt good. I miss music. Since I started teaching dance and choreographing dances music hasn't been as much fun to me because it's been more about work then entertainment. I miss it.

My mini van that I was jamming out in. Which by the way is the best thing ever if you have young kids. I do love my mini van.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: Music can evoke emotion. Good or bad. I need to listen to more uplifting music and more often.

#2: Do something that I enjoy. And really enjoy it. I am the master of finding the bad in all things and I have a really hard time enjoying things and I also find it hard for me to always do the things that I enjoy. I need to make the time to do something that I love to do everyday. And I don't do that. For one I don't really love love anything. So, maybe I need to find that something. The music was a really fun thing...maybe I could do that.

#3: Don't worry about what others think about me as long as I'm not hurting anyone and I'm happy and being myself and enjoying myself what others think really doesn't matter.