Tuesday, November 26, 2013

To Dream or not to Dream

Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we dreamed it to be or the way that our heart was set out on and sometimes we just have to trust that The Lord had given us another path that may be a lot better then the path that we had pictured.

Life's Disappointments:

We are so excited to have another little baby come and join our wonderful family.  We have felt blessed ever since we found out about this new little one.  We knew that we were walking in the steps that our Heavenly Father had planned for us.  Everything was just falling into place for us.  When we decided to have another baby we also found our first home that fit our family and that we were able to afford...which was looking almost impossible prior to this.  Additional income for the family also presented itself and was a blessing.
So I'm guessing you're wondering where the disappointment came in.  Ever since I was a little girl I had pictured being a mom and I had imagined having boys grow up in my family.  Part of my personality is to include details.  In fact, I had the exact family and the exact home down to the decorations pictured out and how my yard would look...etc.etc.  My husband and I have three beautiful little girls and are having what is most likely our last baby.  The ultrasound day came and we found out the gender of our baby....another girl.  Neither my husband or I were surprised.  A rush of feelings swarm us both.  Of course we will love this little baby and we know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who gives us what we need and that he knows what is best for us and our family.  I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me at first knowing that I would love this baby as I love all my children and the thought of being disappointed about a wonderful life coming into the world broke my heart.  So I wanted to pretend I didn't care what gender of baby I had.  As I listened to my husband poor out his heart of father and son outings that he would not be invited to and football games that he would never see his son play in my heart felt for him.  I realized that my dream had also been broken, of course I cried though.  He was glad that I cried first so that he didn't have to. :)  I quit frankly was mad at Heavenly Father for doing this.  I know he has a good reason but what the reason is I do not understand at this point.  I have often found myself wondering, "Why do I dream?" "Why do I care about what I have and what I don't have?" "Why do I try or hope?"  I have a hard time letting go of these dreams that I pictured in my mind as a child.  And perhaps they were my escape from any pain that I felt, they were my happy future that I so longed for as a child.  I cling so desperately to these exact dreams that when they fail I feel as if I have failed and my happy future is somehow gone never to return.  What I'm learning is that dreams must change not stop.  I may never have a baby boy but that doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.  I may never have my own personal swimming pool, and I may never have some of the dreams that I've dreamed.  Just because I haven't been given my version of happiness doesn't mean that I won't have another version of happiness.  When we cling to dreams that won't happen I think it makes a person angry.  I could be angry the rest of my life for not getting what I want and what I think I deserve or I could take what I am given and be grateful for it and embrace it and make a new dream.  Dreams give us hope, dreams help us grow.  I can't control everything.  All I can do is figure out why was I given a family like my family growing up and why was I given a second chance.  What is my special plan and mission and how can I continue to dream and to find my happy place now.  

I'm not going to lie I am going to be disappointed when I think about it for awhile.  It's best for me to be disappointed now and to deal with the emotion so that I will be ready and happy and excited when she comes.  There are a many great things in my life and there are a many great things to look forward to with a new baby coming whom I am going to love and who is going to be a wonderful addition to our family.  Each child is different in their own way.  I'm not going to have the child that I want them to be no matter what gender of child I get.  My job is to love them and nourish them and help them learn and grow and learn and develop who they are.  

Now I just have to find some new dreams.  Good bye old dreams and hello new dreams.  Can't wait to meet my new baby girl!

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  Prayers that feel unanswered are only answered in a way that we can't see now.

2.)  Dream big, try hard, fail hard, dream again, try again, fail again and keep going.

3.)  Don't hold on to pride, admit disappointment.  

4.) Don't let lost dreams create anger, let go and make new dreams.  (they may not be as bad as they seem :)

5.)  Give thanks for what I have been given!

Happy Thanksgiving All!!!

Photo By Tenika

Saturday, November 9, 2013


So much for managing the Halloween Candy like I had hoped.  The girls took their bags and hid under their fort and ate goodness knows how much candy today.  I did find out how much late tonight when my four year old came in my room saying, "I'm sorry mom I didn't know I was going to throw up."  I had a nice and patient response and I was really trying hard to hold it together.  Until I went in the room smelled it and saw it.  I quickly got to work after the dread of the moment had passed.  I gathered sheets and cleaners and rags and took things to the washing machine to start the laundry all the way trying to hold in my frustration of the moment and not to mention the throwing up that my body so  wanted to do itself.  It wasn't until I remembered that I didn't have any laundry soap and that making it was on my list of to do's for tomorrow that I had a total meltdown.  I guess I should explain that not only was I up in the middle of the night cleaning up puck with no laundry soap I was also sick myself.  I've been sick with a cough and it will just not go away.  I had it for two weeks and then I was better and then it came back, argh!!  So it had taken me awhile to fall asleep in the first place and I haven't been sleeping very well for who knows how long since the coughing and when you are sleeping well and get woken up after not sleeping well you are already on edge.  The smell of the throw up was just unbearable and since I'm pregnant it seemed to be amplified by ten and I'm surprised I didn't loose it myself.  Anyway moving on...so I guess now after writing this I could see why I might have a meltdown after all this on top of being tired and sick myself.  I gave in and lay on the laundry room floor in tears and whaling like a baby.  I must have been loud because my husband woke up and came asking what he could do to help.  I however could not respond because well I was too busy whaling and moping and feeling sorry for myself to answer.  Anyway in the end I made some laundry soap and my hubby helped clean up the mess and the child and everyone else is sleeping happily in their clean beds while I lay here awake, hence the blogging at this hour.  The coughs once again are keeping me up.

I guess on the positive note I will be able to find a lesson somewhere in this experience.  Not really what I want but I'm learning that what I want isn't always what's best.  I feel frustrated that when I need something it is nearly impossible to get it.  And I'm finding myself asking, "Why is it if I need it and it will help me had Heavenly Father made it so I can't have it."  Like now I'm sick and I need rest to get better but it is nearly impossible to get it.  Why is it that I am told to be patient but I'm given hormones and sickness and no sleep all at once making it almost impossible to have it.  Well the reality is that I don't know why and I probably won't know why for sure until I die.  So what I do know though is that I'm not here to do this on my own.  Or at least that's the way it is intended.  Heavenly Father never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it.  So keep looking up and keep looking ahead and keep going and making progress.  We have been given hope through the atonement of Jesus Christ and we have been given other people in our life.  Sometimes I really try hard to push them away because I don't want to admit that I'm to the point of a meltdown on the laundry room floor.  I'm glad that my hubby was around to help too.  I also have lot's of wonderful friends and family that offer support.  A blessing I've gotten is to reread a conference talk that I love that reminds me to "Look up.”

Lessons in progress:

1.) When you don't understand why just trust.  Trust that even though it's not what you want it's gotta be what The Lord wants.

2.)  Don't push people away, they are our angels on earth.

3.)  Recognize that it is hard and that I am going to mess up more times then I get it right and that there is hope in the Atonement.

4.)  When I can't sleep it’s okay there are things that need to be done anyway.  So don't stress it just makes it worse.

5.) It is the small things that we do everyday that make a big difference.  Like small coping skills like writing and breathing and meditating and healthy foods......