It’s Still Good

Words cannot describe the disappointment, pain, and anger I feel.  I am so very hurt.  Everything in my mind tells me that it is done it is over and so therefore I need to be over it too.  I feel unjustified to be angry I feel like I have no right to be upset for I have a wonderful baby safe at home.  Why my mind and body cannot let go of the pain and move forward?  Going to the hospital the night before my baby was born my body was filled with so much anxiety that I cannot describe the feeling into words.  I was in such a state of emotional turmoil that I could not make a concise choice to safe my life.  I depended on those around me to help me make good choices.  It is never a good feeling to feel like your own mind does not function because your guts want to burst out of your stomach.  Labor progressed that night and as it did I felt so alone in my pain and anguish.  All I could do was make choices based on past experiences.  I did not make all the best choices but how could I, the clouds would not clear out of my brain and the pain would not ease.  Time was coming closer to having my baby girl born into this world as my body ached in pain I wanted nothing more then to have my baby in my arms safe and for the pain and anxiety to ease.  As she was approaching the earth the world around me spun as I was asked to do do an extraordinary feet.  “Get Her out NOW!” I remember them repeating to me....”Get Her out NOW!” “Get Her out Now!”  The calm exterior trying to mask the worry in their voice as her heart dropped.  I pushed with all I had and could not get her out.  What have I done.  I kept trying and on the third try I finally got her out.  Blue and limp she arrived with the cord wrapped around her neck four times.  She started to cry and breath and I was finally relieved to have her on me.  I felt her thick black curls stuck to head and tried to wrap her in my arms while an awkward annoying nurse tries to help me and then the nurse needed her and said I would have her right back.  Of course I wanted her to be okay so of course I let her.  She stole her and didn’t give her back as I lay there almost bleeding to death as puddles of blood rushed to the floor, and looking over at my baby yearning to hold her as some kind of bandaid to help ease the pain.  No one could help me  get my baby because they were trying to save me.  The baby lay there crying and the nurse doing her charts and having no clue what she was doing to my heart.  As I asked for my baby over and over.  My bleeding stopped and she was going to bring her to me.  She lay next to me slow close yet so far away there was nothing I could do there was nothing I could say, I could not change what was happening no matter what I wanted.  How could this nurse be so insensitive and have no clue what she was doing to my heart.  Why wouldn't they help me the way I wanted?  My baby almost given to me, almost there,  and then my body started to shake.  My body shook so uncontrollably that there was no way I could have held her in me arms safely.  “I want my baby!”  As everyone around did there best to help me, I shook and I shook and I shook.  For two hours my body was out of control and I had no where to turn I could do nothing to stop and to get my baby.  I wanted her so badly.  All I wanted this whole pregnancy was the moment I got to hold her in my arms and reach hold her close to my body.  She had been mine in me and no one else could take her and now there she was and I could do nothing to have her in my arms, NOTHING!  Get her, Husband, just go get her! No!  He wouldn’t leave my side.  Finally, as my body started to calm, they brought her to me and I just looked down at her and had a sense of relief as I put her to my body and I felt her close to my skin.  She started to nurse and I just nursed her as long as she wanted because I could not bear to let her go.  I still shook off and on but held on tight to my love.  I could not loose control again because I might not get her back when I asked I might not get what I wanted.  That nurse had no right to make that choice for me. She was my baby and she took it upon herself to make a choice that was not hers.  I honestly hate her.  She broke my heart and took away something that I can never get back.  I hate her!      The day went by pretty well and the other girls got to come to the hospital and meet her and I got to see my family together.  Then as everyone parted the headaches, dizziness and pain started.  I tried to sleep and feed my baby but I was not succeeding.  Finally, I gave in and let the nurse take her.  I slept and the baby slept and there was some relief.  But needless to say I had some separation anxiety.  I had to get a blood patch the next morning which my husband was supposed to make it for and was late as I cried through the scary procedure.  A kind nurse massaged some oils on me and aided with some relief, I felt somewhat better and thought I might be able to go home.  My husband was anxious to go.  I could barely get up and walk around and without even seeing me the doctor released me.  No iron tests and no care from her and I was released.  Again with anxiety rising up in my soul I was not able to make a good choice and let those around me help me make those choices.  All I could do was go off of past experience and in the past I would have been fine to go home.  While back at home I had major headaches, chest pain, hearing lose, numbness, tingling, and so dizzy I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t go back to the hospital because then I would be away from my baby.  I couldn’t do it.  I would manage.  When one night a Panic Attack hit me so strongly the chest pains and shooting pain was so strong that I thought I would die there.  Trying to stay there.  I held my baby day and night not to let her go as much as I could.  What a joy but the full joy of having a newborn was gone because I was in so much pain and in such a cloudy fog in  my brain that I could not feel much of anything besides that.  I feel like my joy was stolen away and I wanted it back.  There were so many people who reached out to me and blessed me and my family I am so grateful for the love others had for us and the great blessings we received during this time.  It took me two months to recover and fear of stroke from tingling all down the left side of my body from head to toe.  I wished my husband would have helped me more...but how could he really understand what I was going through and what would have helped me most.  I now have a beautiful baby that is alive and healthy and I am alive to enjoy.  I cannot dwell no the pain because I want to enjoy the now.  I must feel it and let it be.  Every time I see a baby, every time I hear a birth story, every time I see her baby photos, the feelings swarm back into my heart hard to push away the pain.  So don’t push it away.

When the event is triggered by something happening today I can:

1.) Let the feelings in and let it be.  Do not push the feelings out or try and stop them or deny them and the feelings will do what they are meant to do.

2.) After I have felt through it I can think more logically and come up with the story that makes it better....Something I learned....Something I can help others with....Something that is real and true.

3.) Amongst all the pain there is good and I need to focus on the good and feel through the bad.  

4.) Forgive those who trespass you as I would want others to forgive me.  Forgive myself.  The Lord will make up what was lost.  

5.) Do not let the pain of the past shadow the good of today.  Take control of my feelings today and do not give power to those who did me wrong. 

6.) Do not let the bad ruin all the good too.  She is here!  My Miracle!

7.)  Think it through beginning to end seeing both the good and the bad all the way through.

8.) Most things are out of my control.  

9.) I did all that I could do at that time.

10.)  Do not "What if” or “Should Have” the story.  I can not change it! I can only come up with what it means to me today to move forward with JOY!

Emotional Responsibility

I am working on managing my Anxiety and Anger.  The story of my life.  I have a ton both of those things but I have made a lot of progress.  I have learned how to control myself and take responsibility for my own emotions. Am I always able to do it perfectly? No.  But seeing progress gives me hope to keep trying.

One thing that I did not see before in myself was the fact that I find myself responsible for others emotions.  This is a huge anger trigger.  Anger comes from either not making a choice or feeling like you can still do something to fix something.  I get a lot of anger from feeling like I can fix or change other peoples emotions.  It is not possible, so the anger grows, when I do not get rid of the responsibility, the anger continues.

We have a rule in our house that you can eat fruits are vegetables anytime you want.  If they end up ruining their dinner because they ate too many carrots then for goodness sakes, who cares!  So, one of my daughters asked me if they could eat some grapes.  My answer was, “You know the rule, but just remember that dinner is coming up.”  Well, she continued on making a big fuss about it and went on and on about how I would not let her eat any grapes and her sister was eating grapes and it was not fair that she could not eat any grapes and yadda yadda.  Anyway, instead of letting her decide that she did not want to eat any grapes and just let her own her own decision, I bit.  Oh man I was angry.  The realization is that I became emotionally responsible for her instead of empathizing with her.  I took the blame and responsibility even though it was not mine and therefore I became angry.  I have also realized that I do this in many other instances and I allow others to cause me guilt and I make choices based on feeling responsible for someone else somehow.  I have realized people who tend to do this to me.  I need to recognize this and remember where the responsibility lies and not allow them to make me feel this way.  I also try to lesson my time with them.

Lessons in Progress:

1.) I am not responsible for others emotions.

2.)  Show empathy and kindness but do not feel responsible.

3.)  It is freeing to be able to make choices that I need to make and not make choices based on the emotions of others.

4.)  I am a kind person with high morals and I would not make a choice to purposely hurt someone so there is no need to feel responsible when someones feelings get hurt.  I can apologize and admit where they may have thought that but I will know my heart and I can be okay with what I have done.

Babies snack time! No grapes for her!

Accept Defeat

When things go wrong and there is nothing more that you can do to fix it then sometimes it is time to accept defeat and keep moving forward.

The Necklaces

My girls got necklaces this year for Easter. They had pendant fairies on them with tiny jars of fairy dust. I knew the girls would love them and they did. They put them on right away and took great care of them. The next day one of my daughters had her jar of glitter in her mouth and was kind of chewing on it. And it breaks and fairy dust, aka glitter, goes everywhere including all over her mouth. I would be upset and could tell that she was but she was hiding it from us very well. I took her upstairs to get away from everyone and to clean the glitter off of her tongue and make sure that she didn't get cut. I asked her if she was sad about her necklace and immediately the wall she had up fell and the tears began to fall. "I'm really sad mom." And even though it was just a thing and maybe doesn't mean much to me I felt for her. I felt bad knowing that she tried to have a strong face because she knew that she really shouldn't have had that necklace in her mouth. It was her fault. So she should pretend like it doesn't bother her? It was okay for her to be upset I understood how she felt and I held her and let her cry and let her be disappointed. I had a friend who told me they were having another baby really close to another baby they had and she said, "I know it was my choice but I still want to be able to have feelings and share feelings when things get hard, because I know they will."

Within minutes of the first incident my other daughter tripped and fell and saved herself from falling into the entertainment stand but as she did her new necklace flung forward and hit the entertainment stand and broke. She didn't notice until later when one if her sisters saw the glitter on the ground and told her. She was sad and felt bad that her new necklace was ruined.

Later that same day the daughter with the only left jar of fairy dust didn't want to give me her necklace because she was afraid I would break or loose it. She promised herself that she wouldn't let hers break, so she put it in her coat pocket when we got ready to go swimming. When I left the house and saw the coats sitting by the front door I thought I better bring them because even though they weren't needed now, on this early spring day, they would need them when it was dark and cold and they were wet leaving the pool. So I grabbed the coats. Later, when my daughter realized I brought the coats she looked for her necklace and couldn't find it she had thoughts of a lost and broken necklace and worried about it until we got home. Luckily, we found the necklace on the porch outside the front door but unluckily the necklace had been stepped on and her glass jar was broken and there was glitter all over the porch. She was devastated. She was sad that her new necklace was broken but more then that she was upset that she had broken her promise to herself. I gave her hugs and understood why she was so upset. I hated breaking promises to myself and others.

I was also upset with myself for giving them such a breakable gift. I thought that they were tough jars but I was mistaken. I also thought they would just love them. Well, they did love them enough that they were so upset that they were broken. I felt like I set them up to fail and that wasn't my intention at all. I could easily find other jars of fairy dust to give them to replace the broken jars but sometimes it is just best to accept my mistake and move on. There were some great lessons we learned from the jars of magic glitter we sprinkled about:

Lessons In Progress:

1.) Even though it may be your fault that something bad has happened it doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have feelings about it.

2.) When something you love gets ruined or broken or lost its okay to be upset about it.

3.) When your kids or others feel upset about something that you wouldn't be upset about. Find a situation in which you felt the same way they are feeling and your heart will melt!

4.) Because I wasn't angry with the kids I was able to help them and see their side.

5.) When you don't end up doing something that you said you would do, despite your best efforts, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you are a failure. It doesn't mean that you should stop trying or that you aren't able to do something that you put your mind to, it doesn't mean that you don't have integrity. It means that sometimes things go the way we want or try but most of the time they don't. There is something better in-store for us and we must trust and accept that we don't always control everything and that things will work out for us.

6.) Trying to go back in time and fix things won't work. Accept that you make bad choices sometimes and just move on. You can't always get back what is lost.

7.) Its good that we don't have to worry about making up for what is lost because the savior makes up what we can't do. He knows those struggles we are going through and even when we mess up he is willing to put his arms around us and let us cry.

It never ends

 

So I spent days and weeks working on this post and then when I finally posted it none of my typing was on it so now here is goes again typing it all again a perfect Segway into my thoughts on this topic...

 

 

I'm a goal oriented person.  Goals motivate, activate, and create a sense of accomplishment when I finish them.  I love that feeling when I complete a goal or check something off my TO DO list.  "Yes, I'm finished, I did it!"  As I think about finishing a task it makes me also think about how tasks and goals never end and they just keep going and life just keeps going and there really isn't an end at all because our work just starts again...

 

 Housework....This is one of those obvious tasks in life that simply never end.  The moment you think the laundry is done someone's dirty underwear is in the hamper.  The minute you finish the dishes someone needs a drink.  And it's inevitable that the rest of the house gets dirty and just needs cleaned over and over.

 

 Trials...We always have them it's a fact of like.  Fortunately there is relief from a trial and then unfortunately we get another one and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.  I'm grateful for the knowledge that God doesn't give me trials that I cannot handle.

 

 Emotions...These also never end.  Wouldn't it be nice if once we felt them and then they'd just go away and we'd be done with them.  That's what I like to pretend I can do, it doesn't work because they come anyway.  When something particularly painful happens those emotions come back really often for awhile when we think about what happened or when something happens to remind us of the event.  And we have to work through them again and again it gets easier and once we keep on going life gets easier.  Emotions are a good thing they give us information.  When I feel something I've started asking myself, "What does this tell me about myself and what I believe." Instead of, "Oh goodness I've already felt that just go away please."  It's a lot more helpful.

 

 Forgiveness...When we are forgiving someone it happens this way too, we don't just say that we've forgiven someone and then forget about it.  When we feel angry about it again we forgive again it's a process.

 

 Life...Like the wreath above our life keeps going.  Because of Heavenly Father's Plan for us we can also have eternal life and that can give us peace, joy, and hope in the journey.

 

Lessons in Progress:

 

1.)  Don't give up, Keep going!

 

2.) Enjoy the Journey!

 

3.) Once I reach a goal, make more.

This too shall pass

Sometimes I get so engrossed in what is going on especially when it's pain and that most always turns into anxiety for me because I usually don't deal well with it so I try to push it away and then well... Let me put it this way...

Beach ball..
If you push a beach ball under the water and let go of it, it will bust up out of the water. Well the farther down you push the beach ball the bigger the burst is when you let go of it. Also it is inevitable that the ball will come up sooner or later. The less you push it down the more you can control it when you do let it out. So the beach ball could represent our feelings and not only that our reaction to the feelings. The more i push them in the more anxious I become when they are underneath. I am denying myself something that is mine and the anxiety and pain take over. I can manage it much better if I deal with the pain right away and except that I'm just an emotional person.

When I let the pain grow it seems more and more impossible to get rid of it and then add the anxiety on top of sadness/ anger making it feel hopeless. Every possible solution I can come up with to help isn't working and I'm just feeling terrible. And have tunnel vision.... So something's that have helped me when I can muster up the will when I feel so bad...

1) talk to someone... Someone else can help put your pain or problem into perspective and give you empathy or help...(I find myself avoiding this at all costs as to not bother someone, which is not good I need to change the way I think about this)

2) do something that directly relates to the issue.... Deal with it before moving onto chores or activities because what happens to me is that since the beach ball is still under the water and a simple thing goes wrong the eruption happens at that and not about the issue... Like if I'm playing candy land with my kids and they start arguing I won't be patient in dealing with it... If I do chores or watch tv I'm not thinking about my problem and I'm avoiding it and I can't fully enjoy what I'm doing. So deal first... i.e. - write about it - forgive someone - pray - cry - exercise (dance) - breath and think. Identify what happened (action), then what the thought was, and then What was the feeling associated with the thought because thought = feeling

3) think about the bigger picture...realize that whatever situation I am in does not last forever...there is opposition in all things there must be bad if there is good... an eternal perspective of heavenly fathers plan can give me hope and clarity

4) try thinking of someone else who might need help. helping someone else can get us to stop throwing ourselves a pitty party!

Make it harder and harder

Why do we need to make things harder and harder on ourselves. Sometimes the best solutions are simple. Why so many regulations? Let the people govern themselves kind of thing.

School safety

Kids at our school are going home the wrong way multiple times. And I feel like the school feels that this safety issue is important but that they are making it way to complicated to fix it. They've come up with travel tags, and now they are going to color code them per bus. And the teachers have to read each students travel tag every day after school and sometimes they just don't and the bus drivers just don't always check them either. So the kids have to have a note to ride a different bus unless its for an activity and then they can just have it on their travel tag and then they don't have to have a note even though its a different bus from their regular bus. And if their travel tag isn't updated then they "will most likely be in the office," so I guess that's only if they think they know where you might be going or if your 5 year old "remembers" the right day if the week and where they are supposed to go. And even though the travel tags have a place to write down if it is the standard travel plan (or normal way they get home) for the week or they can put down the week that the travel plan should be for.  Apparently we still can't figure out if its the right travel plan or not because we can't hold parents responsible for updating the plans even thought we should really just say, "if you don't have a note you go home the way you are supposed to." Hey I lived in a much bigger city growing up and if you didn't have a note you road the bus that you were on the list to ride or walked home or got picked up like you were supposed too, simple as that.

The more ways they try to regulate it the more it's going to go wrong.  The more opportunity for them too.

My oppinion is send kids home the way they are supposed to go home even if they are kicking and screaming and then if it's wrong guess what the parent is either going to write a note like they are supposed to or if you are using travel tags they will have them updated simple as that.

Lessons in progress:

1.) I control me and not others I can only change me.

2.) The more we over think things and over do things the worse it gets. I know that so I'm going to stop thinking about this and just control me and my kids and try to relax.

3.)If at first you don't succeed try try again.  I tried voicing my oppinions about this but got the smack down.  As important of an issue as school safety it is not one that I can see myself keeping quite about.


What do you think? How do your kids get home or to daycare or activities safely after school? How many times have your kids or someone you know went to the wrong place after school in your school district? Is this a bigger problem than I imagine?

Have Faith

I read the quote the the other day by Joan of Arc.

I am not afraid...I was born to do this.

There is much that I could fear in this life and have feared.

• What others think about Me
• Failure
• Making a Mistake
• Hurting Someones Feelings
• Vulnerability
• Feeling excited and Happy
• Feelings of hope and being let down

As my confidence grows and I trust in the Lord and his plan for me my fears fade.

I want to address the first Fear right now.

My mom gave my daughter a book for her birthday You are special by Max Lucado.  It is a great book I highly recommend it.  She loves it and wants to read it everyday.  It's about this woodcarver that makes wooden puppets and they live in a town and they all hand out stickers judging each other.  If they thought they were a good wooden person then they gave them star stickers and if they thought they were not a good wooden person then they would give each other dot stickers.  One wooden person that had many dots didn't think highly of himself because the other wooden people didn't either went to see the woodcarver.  The woodcarver told him that he was special because he made him and that it didn't matter what the others thought only what he thought.  And that if he believed that then the stickers wouldn't sitck to him star or dots.  It is an awesome book!  It just reminds me that it really doesn't matter what others think it only matters what the Lord who made me thinks and he loves me and thinks I'm special so what anyone else thinks doesn't really matter.  So the comments that others have for me don't need to stick either way, good or bad, just like the stickers wouldn't sitck if they didn't care what they thought.

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  When I believe that I am Special then it doesn't matter what others think or comment about me.

2.)  When I let this fear guide me then I become someone that I am not.

3.)  I can achieve more when I believe in myself and face things face front and believe that my mission is important enough to fight for regardless of fear.

Don't try Running...

...away from thing that you can't run away from. Think how frustrating and hopeless it feels trying to get rid of something you can't get rid of or trying not to have something that you just have.

Part of Life...

There are many things that are just a part of life. I have the hardest time accepting those things and just working through it. So, let's see....what are some of those things? Hmmm Okay like feeling sad and mad and frustrated and anxious. I hate feeling those things I do my best at trying not to feel those things and when I do have to feel those things I get mad and upset. Because I'm trying so hard not to feel them that it makes me mad when I do. The reality is that I have to feel those things, everybody does. So trying to run from them is not only impossible but it makes it worse. Maybe they could be good things. Maybe feeling sad could be a good thing and maybe being mad could be a good thing as long as I control myself and deal with them I could feel happy afterwards. I mean afterall that could be a good sign of me being human and living life. I could stop pinching myself. :)

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Stop running!

2.) Accept my feeling and work through them.

3.) Be confident in myself and believe that I can control myself and that I can cope and deal with any problem at hand. I am a capable person.

Find the Learning Experience

Although I understand that there can be good to every experience it isn't always easy to find. Often times the worst experiences that we have are really learning experiences and that's how we can make them positive and work for us in the future.

My Life right now...

is full of some of those worst moments that you just know aren't going to get better unless you just face it and fix it. While I was sitting here trying to decide what to write I couldn't decide so I counted 10 different things, on my fingers thank goodness I didn't have anymore things or I would have ran out of fingers. And they are really hard things, things that just can't fix themselves out easily. I'm glad that I have decided to face them and fix them instead of hide them inside of me.

I'm really sad that I lost my grandpa a couple weeks ago. It's really hard to loose someone you love and have such good memories with but at the same time he was suffering and I'm glad that he doesn't have to anymore. I'm glad that I know that he's in a better place with my Heveanly Father right now.

I don't know what it is about bad things in life but it seems like they all catch you at once. I feel like I've been out of order for quite a while now. At first I kept trying to push all my feelings away and disregard them and I was having a lot of anxiety over it much like how I used to do things. Then I realized that I had to accept my feelings and accept how things really are and what I really wanted in life and that I would be okay in the end no matter what happened as long as I was honest with myself. And I've been really sad but at least now I can say I'm going to learn something from this even though it really hurts.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: When you fear something that you think is so terrible you can't confront it and you can't be confident in your choices and feelings. So let go of the fear and face it head on, honestly.

#2: Hiding feeling that you don't want to have only makes it so that you can't have feelings that you do want to have and deserve to have.

#3: Making choices in this life is hard to do and there isn't always an easy answer but if you take some time think about what you really want even if it may be harder you can feel better about yourself and be that much more commited to your choice.

#4: Don't let life just lead you, you lead your life.

#5: Just when you think life is really really bad it's important to remember all the things that are great too, there is always a few somethings.

"I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." - Dr. Seuss

Do I have to have Feelings.

Now I haven't quite got myself figured myself out on this one yet but I have been noticing that many of the problems that I can pinpoint may have to come back to trying to protect myself from getting hurt or avoid having feelings. For instance sometimes I'm mean or distant with people because if I get close or have good feelings it leaves me vulnerable for getting hurt or having bad feelings. I don't like to be alone because that leaves me alone with my fears and anxiety and my feelings. That are hard to control and are scary and real and I don't like it.

Lessons to learn:

#1: Right now I don't really know what I need to change and exactly how to fix all of this but understanding myself and why I do certain things is one of the first steps to fixing things.

#2: First accept my feeling and then accept the reality. Like I sometimes get really scared when driving because I had a bad car accident in the past so I have to tell myself, "I'm scared but I'm safe and I'm not in danger."