My Purpose

My Purpose is here
Here on Earth
Doing my Part
Finding my way
Setbacks they come
Coping is key
Keep Going
Keep Trying
They need you
You need them

Plans are Futile
Follow the Lord’s Plan
Not mine

Stop, Think, Breath
Solve and then continue
Trust, Grow, Learn

Hope Follows Action
Act, Serve, Love, Release

Live

-Lindsay Casey

It’s Still Good

Words cannot describe the disappointment, pain, and anger I feel.  I am so very hurt.  Everything in my mind tells me that it is done it is over and so therefore I need to be over it too.  I feel unjustified to be angry I feel like I have no right to be upset for I have a wonderful baby safe at home.  Why my mind and body cannot let go of the pain and move forward?  Going to the hospital the night before my baby was born my body was filled with so much anxiety that I cannot describe the feeling into words.  I was in such a state of emotional turmoil that I could not make a concise choice to safe my life.  I depended on those around me to help me make good choices.  It is never a good feeling to feel like your own mind does not function because your guts want to burst out of your stomach.  Labor progressed that night and as it did I felt so alone in my pain and anguish.  All I could do was make choices based on past experiences.  I did not make all the best choices but how could I, the clouds would not clear out of my brain and the pain would not ease.  Time was coming closer to having my baby girl born into this world as my body ached in pain I wanted nothing more then to have my baby in my arms safe and for the pain and anxiety to ease.  As she was approaching the earth the world around me spun as I was asked to do do an extraordinary feet.  “Get Her out NOW!” I remember them repeating to me....”Get Her out NOW!” “Get Her out Now!”  The calm exterior trying to mask the worry in their voice as her heart dropped.  I pushed with all I had and could not get her out.  What have I done.  I kept trying and on the third try I finally got her out.  Blue and limp she arrived with the cord wrapped around her neck four times.  She started to cry and breath and I was finally relieved to have her on me.  I felt her thick black curls stuck to head and tried to wrap her in my arms while an awkward annoying nurse tries to help me and then the nurse needed her and said I would have her right back.  Of course I wanted her to be okay so of course I let her.  She stole her and didn’t give her back as I lay there almost bleeding to death as puddles of blood rushed to the floor, and looking over at my baby yearning to hold her as some kind of bandaid to help ease the pain.  No one could help me  get my baby because they were trying to save me.  The baby lay there crying and the nurse doing her charts and having no clue what she was doing to my heart.  As I asked for my baby over and over.  My bleeding stopped and she was going to bring her to me.  She lay next to me slow close yet so far away there was nothing I could do there was nothing I could say, I could not change what was happening no matter what I wanted.  How could this nurse be so insensitive and have no clue what she was doing to my heart.  Why wouldn't they help me the way I wanted?  My baby almost given to me, almost there,  and then my body started to shake.  My body shook so uncontrollably that there was no way I could have held her in me arms safely.  “I want my baby!”  As everyone around did there best to help me, I shook and I shook and I shook.  For two hours my body was out of control and I had no where to turn I could do nothing to stop and to get my baby.  I wanted her so badly.  All I wanted this whole pregnancy was the moment I got to hold her in my arms and reach hold her close to my body.  She had been mine in me and no one else could take her and now there she was and I could do nothing to have her in my arms, NOTHING!  Get her, Husband, just go get her! No!  He wouldn’t leave my side.  Finally, as my body started to calm, they brought her to me and I just looked down at her and had a sense of relief as I put her to my body and I felt her close to my skin.  She started to nurse and I just nursed her as long as she wanted because I could not bear to let her go.  I still shook off and on but held on tight to my love.  I could not loose control again because I might not get her back when I asked I might not get what I wanted.  That nurse had no right to make that choice for me. She was my baby and she took it upon herself to make a choice that was not hers.  I honestly hate her.  She broke my heart and took away something that I can never get back.  I hate her!      The day went by pretty well and the other girls got to come to the hospital and meet her and I got to see my family together.  Then as everyone parted the headaches, dizziness and pain started.  I tried to sleep and feed my baby but I was not succeeding.  Finally, I gave in and let the nurse take her.  I slept and the baby slept and there was some relief.  But needless to say I had some separation anxiety.  I had to get a blood patch the next morning which my husband was supposed to make it for and was late as I cried through the scary procedure.  A kind nurse massaged some oils on me and aided with some relief, I felt somewhat better and thought I might be able to go home.  My husband was anxious to go.  I could barely get up and walk around and without even seeing me the doctor released me.  No iron tests and no care from her and I was released.  Again with anxiety rising up in my soul I was not able to make a good choice and let those around me help me make those choices.  All I could do was go off of past experience and in the past I would have been fine to go home.  While back at home I had major headaches, chest pain, hearing lose, numbness, tingling, and so dizzy I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t go back to the hospital because then I would be away from my baby.  I couldn’t do it.  I would manage.  When one night a Panic Attack hit me so strongly the chest pains and shooting pain was so strong that I thought I would die there.  Trying to stay there.  I held my baby day and night not to let her go as much as I could.  What a joy but the full joy of having a newborn was gone because I was in so much pain and in such a cloudy fog in  my brain that I could not feel much of anything besides that.  I feel like my joy was stolen away and I wanted it back.  There were so many people who reached out to me and blessed me and my family I am so grateful for the love others had for us and the great blessings we received during this time.  It took me two months to recover and fear of stroke from tingling all down the left side of my body from head to toe.  I wished my husband would have helped me more...but how could he really understand what I was going through and what would have helped me most.  I now have a beautiful baby that is alive and healthy and I am alive to enjoy.  I cannot dwell no the pain because I want to enjoy the now.  I must feel it and let it be.  Every time I see a baby, every time I hear a birth story, every time I see her baby photos, the feelings swarm back into my heart hard to push away the pain.  So don’t push it away.

When the event is triggered by something happening today I can:

1.) Let the feelings in and let it be.  Do not push the feelings out or try and stop them or deny them and the feelings will do what they are meant to do.

2.) After I have felt through it I can think more logically and come up with the story that makes it better....Something I learned....Something I can help others with....Something that is real and true.

3.) Amongst all the pain there is good and I need to focus on the good and feel through the bad.  

4.) Forgive those who trespass you as I would want others to forgive me.  Forgive myself.  The Lord will make up what was lost.  

5.) Do not let the pain of the past shadow the good of today.  Take control of my feelings today and do not give power to those who did me wrong. 

6.) Do not let the bad ruin all the good too.  She is here!  My Miracle!

7.)  Think it through beginning to end seeing both the good and the bad all the way through.

8.) Most things are out of my control.  

9.) I did all that I could do at that time.

10.)  Do not "What if” or “Should Have” the story.  I can not change it! I can only come up with what it means to me today to move forward with JOY!

This too shall pass

Sometimes I get so engrossed in what is going on especially when it's pain and that most always turns into anxiety for me because I usually don't deal well with it so I try to push it away and then well... Let me put it this way...

Beach ball..
If you push a beach ball under the water and let go of it, it will bust up out of the water. Well the farther down you push the beach ball the bigger the burst is when you let go of it. Also it is inevitable that the ball will come up sooner or later. The less you push it down the more you can control it when you do let it out. So the beach ball could represent our feelings and not only that our reaction to the feelings. The more i push them in the more anxious I become when they are underneath. I am denying myself something that is mine and the anxiety and pain take over. I can manage it much better if I deal with the pain right away and except that I'm just an emotional person.

When I let the pain grow it seems more and more impossible to get rid of it and then add the anxiety on top of sadness/ anger making it feel hopeless. Every possible solution I can come up with to help isn't working and I'm just feeling terrible. And have tunnel vision.... So something's that have helped me when I can muster up the will when I feel so bad...

1) talk to someone... Someone else can help put your pain or problem into perspective and give you empathy or help...(I find myself avoiding this at all costs as to not bother someone, which is not good I need to change the way I think about this)

2) do something that directly relates to the issue.... Deal with it before moving onto chores or activities because what happens to me is that since the beach ball is still under the water and a simple thing goes wrong the eruption happens at that and not about the issue... Like if I'm playing candy land with my kids and they start arguing I won't be patient in dealing with it... If I do chores or watch tv I'm not thinking about my problem and I'm avoiding it and I can't fully enjoy what I'm doing. So deal first... i.e. - write about it - forgive someone - pray - cry - exercise (dance) - breath and think. Identify what happened (action), then what the thought was, and then What was the feeling associated with the thought because thought = feeling

3) think about the bigger picture...realize that whatever situation I am in does not last forever...there is opposition in all things there must be bad if there is good... an eternal perspective of heavenly fathers plan can give me hope and clarity

4) try thinking of someone else who might need help. helping someone else can get us to stop throwing ourselves a pitty party!

Don't Forget Me Time.

One thing I do feel like I do a good job at our house is keeping a routine and a schedule for me and the girls. It helps with discipline because the girls know what to expect when. It helps me do get all the things I need and all the things that the girls need. To get things done and to get some rest. It works well in our home and it also gives me the chance to be more flexible because I'm not so nervous to break the schedule because I know it's still there and it will come right back when I'm done doing something else. It also helps because my husband works shifts and he's home during the week alot or working on the weekends and this gives me some kind of stability and feeling like I have some control over my life and schedule even though his work schedule changes all the time. Our Schedule, it's made a few changes over time.

Two Minutes...

Part of our routine that is very important is what we call our two minutes. Everyone gets at least two minutes of individual undivided attenttion once a day. We do ours before naps/quiet time. My husband or I spend two minutes doing what our children want to do just spending time with them. Then we get our time. My friend calls it her Peace. I like that! I have to do something I like to do, rest, or watch TV. Yesterday it didn't happen I got the girls put down and then I had work to do so I did that instead of rest. And I was very angry and upset the rest of the day.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 It's important for me to spend time doing something that I enjoy each day. If I don't I can't take care of others properly. Also, I get angry. Also when my girls don't get their time they get angry too. A number one reason for anger is when we feel like we aren't getting what we need.

#2 Make a routine that works for you and stick with it. It is important for me to keep my sanity.

#3 Doing what I need to do can give me more confidence. (I love bright colors and those flowers from others who care and table cloth reflect that to me.)

Stop and Think.

Positive Choices are in my definition choices that we make that are good. What makes a choice good or bad. We do. I am reminded of something that I was once told and that is "Happiness is a choice." In every choice we make we can reprimand ourselves or we can accept the reason we had to make the choice or we can change the choice if necessary. How can I tell if the choice is right for me or not. First, I have to decide what my values are. For instance, I value my Family Relationships, Honesty, Hard work, Integrity, Education, Service, Cleanliness, Order, and a well Balanced Life in diet and exercise and time and money management. These are the values in which I must base my choices. If I am angry with myself for sleeping in, which I often am, I have to make the choice positive. I am sleeping in because I was up all night with the kids who needed me and now I need more sleep so I can be alert today to take care of them. Which supports my Value of Family Relationships. I talked about the Paradigm as a map in my last post my values give me the map in which I can feel good about the choices that I make. I have started getting myself in the habit of rethinking the why to my choices. When I feel myself get down on myself or getting Anxious I can stop and ask myself why.

Just ask Why?...

I hate it when someone moves my decorations or doesn't but things back where I had them or in the right order. And that happens a lot because first of all people aren't mind readers and they do not know exactly where I had things. The other reason this happens is because I am so particular a half an inch or rotation I not only notice but makes me nuts until I fix it and I can't think about anything else until it is fixed. And in a house full of kids you can just forget it. So I started a peace shelf to help have one spot that is up high that no one is allowed to bother. I can look there and feel like there is order somewhere. Also, I have to stop and think. One day I looked over at a picture frame on the end table and it was turned differently then the way that I had it. I started feeling myself getting anxious about and it was driving me nuts and I was trying to relax and watch TV but I couldn't because all I was thinking was that I needed to get up and fix that picture frame. Then I stopped and said to myself, "Why? Why does that picture frame need to be moved?" The answer was simply that I liked it the other way and I thought that it looked better the other way. Thinking that alone let me just release some of the stress and then I thought it looks okay that way too and I think it's cute that the girls like to decorate and I can let it go. The house was still clean and in order it just wasn't done my way and that is okay, it fit within my values the way it was. I was able to rest my mind and body and be happy with leaving it that way. The choice was to leave it that way because I had just spent thirty minutes cleaning and it was not necessary to clean more and even though I was anxious about it at first I answered the why and could be happy with that choice.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Never accept that because I feel upset or anxious means that that is just the way it is. Changing the way we think changes the way we feel.

#2: If I stop and rethink things I can change negative thinking into positive thinking and be happy with my choices.

Make a Game Plan.

Last Sunday I went into church with no game plan at all I was completely ill prepared mentally and it showed the whole day. Not only because I was grouchy but I was frantic. My husband works shifts and so he has to work Sundays and on those Sunday's I dread it. Today however, I prepared for it. I knew last week went so bad and I could feel myself starting to get really anxious about this week as well. So I set myself down and thought well what is stressful about this and what could make it better. So I thought out the morning in my head and decided the best order for things to be done and also came up with a plan B in case plan A didn't pan out because let's face it if you've got young kids Plan A and B don't always go so I also had to be prepared that either of these might not work out and be okay with that to and that I'm not super woman just a woman and things will get done when they get done and eventually how they get done.

I got to church and things did go pretty much as envisioned on my part anyway. Good thing I didn't envision the kids because that really is unpredictable. But really the best part of it was that I slept the night before, I didn't feel stressed getting there because I had a plan and I also knew what else would happen if it didn't get done and I could just enjoy church. I was able to let it go from my stress and thoughts.

Lessons in progress:

#1: Visualize. When you know you are about to face something that is stressful. Create it first in your brain, have a plan and figure the best way to do it.

#2: Realize that things may not go as you envision them but that it is also not going to be the end of the world if it doesn't even get done at all, life goes on, people don't usually judge us as hard as we do and if they do the don't understand you and they do not understand your value and your choice.

#3: Do some breathing, venting (I like to write), and then say to yourself I am a smart person and I am capable of doing this.

Breathing Works.

I have been frustrated with the amount of frustration I have been feeling lately and that of course makes me more frustrated and I was having a horrible no good very bad day. And I think it was when the burner on my dinner mysteriously turned of and I had to re-cook my 20 min. dinner again and the baby was crying and the other kids were ready to eat and I had everything else cooked and ready to go and I went into panic attack mode. Crying, screaming, and throwing a fit and feeling like I've lost control of myself. So I removed myself from the room to my bedroom and let myself be mad about it and then I started to Breath. I do have to admit that the deep breathing works well and I also think that it worked well because I have been practicing my breathing for the past month morning and night. I used to think I don't need to learn how to breath "I know how to breath" but it really does help to breath in and I held it for 5 seconds and let it out and then consciously figured out what was going on and could see the situation more objectively. I was mad but I was okay and I was safe. So that's what I told myself while I was breathing and I calmed down and felt better about it. Unfortunately though I returned and felt more panic over the situation and had to remove myself and breath again and work through it all over again. It's days like these especially when I am really being proactive and getting things accomplished and doing and planning fun activities with the kids and then I loss it still and still everything seems to go wrong.

Lessons in Progress..

#1) Things just go wrong that is just life. It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong. It doesn't mean that I am wrong or bad.

#2) I'm going to have bad days no matter how much progress I make and I might have to do my breathing exercises all day long.

#3) I'm never there, I'm always working on it. Once I stop working on it I go back to worse.

#4) I need to accept my feelings, accept the current reality, and stop thinking bad and unrealistic things about life or myself.

Coming Home.

After work or a meeting or spending time with friends and then coming home to the house is a stressful time for me. Usually It's when my husband is home with the kids and I come home and there is a mess aroung the house and the kids need to be fed and they are just hanging out enjoying the day.

So today I came home...

and Everyone was just hanging out and there were shoes and mess all over and the baby started to cry and the kids needed to be fed. And I just started being a big grouch. I was like seriously why does my husband get to just hang out and have fun with the kids and then I have to come home and do all the work. Then my grouchiness didn't make anything better, thank goodness my husband doesn't depend on his mood from mine and he kept up beat and I was able to come out of it and I also had to change my thinking and this is what I had to replace the bad thinking with...

Lessons in Progress..

#1: Remember that last night when I came home from work dinner was made the kids were eating and then my husband even did the dishes. I am not always the victim.

#2: My husband chooses to have fun and I do not.

#3: I clean up twice a day and if messes weren't made I wouldn't have anything to clean up during that time. If I was the only person who lived in the house I could maintain a certain level of cleanliness but since I am not I will accept mess and clean up twice a day. Plus I do have a shelf that is mine and only mine that no one is allowed to touch and it is in order 24/7 so I can let go of some things and let people actually live in the house. :)My "Peace Shelf," where I look when the rest of the house is in array.

The mess that was on the kitchen table.The mess that the kids are having fun with and enjoying.