Doubt to Confidence

It is a strange realization when you realize that the love that you have for yourself is conditional.  The love that I have for myself is conditioned upon what I am able to accomplish.  If I am able to get a lot done, finish all of my goals, accomplish what I set out to do and when my life is going well and I am living up to my expectations of myself I am confident and making good and decisive choices because I love myself.  When I am not doing the above things I am not confident and I have a hard time making choices and I second guess myself.  Those are the times when I do not love myself.  If I could continue to love myself despite mistakes and setbacks then I would be able to bounce back out of those setbacks much easier.  Rather then having to prove to myself that I am worthy to be loved I could just forgive myself and move on making confident choices again.

I am shamefully a yeller.  I am fully capable of being a sane and level headed mother but when I do not love myself and when I feel guilty and when I do not love myself I also feel like others should not love me either.  I tend to want to be a grouch and distance myself from others.  I was having the worst night and unfortunately for the plate involved because it ended up shattered.  I was just yelling about everything mostly about everything that I had asked the kids to do which they had not done.  Not that my rampage was not shameful enough and of course the guilt was building up I then had the sweetest children in the world, if I do say so myself, tell me, “We love you Mom.”  What sweet spirits full of unconditional love for me.  I am humbled and learning from their sweet example to me.  Despite my rampage and the broken plate they still loved me, could I do the same thing and love myself and others unconditionally just as my kids did for me and the Savior does for us.  Through this experience I can see a glimmer of light as to what the pure love of Christ is,  It is unconditional and perfect.

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  When you feel like you are not good enough, have not done enough, and are not confident in your choices...choose to love, yourself.

2.)  "We’re not sayin' you can change him,

‘Cause people don’t really change.
We’re only saying that love's a force
That's powerful and strange.
People make bad choices if they’re mad,
Or scared, or stressed.
Throw a little love their way.

Throw a little love their way.
And you’ll bring out their best...

...Father!
Sister!
Brother!
We need each other to raise

Us up and round us out." (Wilson, Frozen, 2013)

Love can change how we treat ourselves, others, and become vulnerable to others.

3.)  Getting hurt is just apart of life we are going to disappoint ourselves and those we love but love, forgiveness, and trust are what we are learning and unconditional love can help pull this off.

Bravery

Sometimes it takes just one person to stand up and say something isn't right.  Sometimes it takes a lot more than that.

I went for a walk down by the river and I saw a lot of beautiful things.  It always clears my head to be out in nature.  Even though I may not be the one to change the world...one small step for change and one small step for progress is a great accomplishment.

Lessons in progress:

1.) There is a lot of work to be done and the best I can do is one small step at a time!

2.) I cannot always change others or events by what I say or do so I must remember that change does not reflect effort.

3.) The world is a much bigger place then me, there is much more out there then my small little corner.  Looking at the bigger picture helps open your mind to so many possibilities and much gratitude.

Let thy heart be full of thanks

"When thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God." Alma 37:37

 One of the worst and hardest things for me to do is to wake up in the morning. But I can tell that I'm doing good Emotionally when I can wake up in the morning with some kind of excitement about the day. I love that scripture it's a good reminder that A little hope faith and gratitude helps make you happy. God gives me those things and I have really been loving getting up and being ready for some good in the day!

 Lessons in progress:
1.) Thank the Lord
2.) anticipate good
3.) Believe that you're worth it
4.) just do it and it affects your whole day for good

Regroup

It's been a busy time for me and We have just finished our spring dance recital and I have run it organized and worked all year on dances and classes and I wanted it to be nice and overall it turned out good. I was pleased with the results, of course there was room for improvement and we will just make it better next year. Anyway, enough of that the point is that it threw me off balance for a bit so now it's time to regroup. Being off balance has made me grouchy and means I have neglected to have me time and a few other essentials like nice nutritious meals and then in my anxious state u could just focus on all that negative and make it worse or I can just decide what I need to do next to make it better. Because life is constantly changing I also need to change. I don't need to change my morals or values I just need to change how I do things based upon my unchanging values. So I'm going to give myself some "me time" I'm going to write more and remember that my kids need some more time too an because I know that I can more happily give them more time.
Lessons in progress: 
1.) don't forget about me ;)
2.) don't get mad and anxious when things go off kilter just regroup
3.) remember the things or more so the people that are most important
 4.) relax, breath, and take a break
5.) sleep is good, which by the way I am going to do now Good night!

What Do I Really Want?

I still Haven't quite figured this one out for myself yet...Any help with this one would be great?!?

The Question is...

Why can't I change some behaviors that I really do not like about myself? i.e. yelling at others when I'm angry or not saying what I want nicely or going to bed early and rising early etc.

When I change my behavior I'm not getting what I want. Is that why I can't change those behaviors? Am I afraid that I won't get what I want am I afraid to change, be vulnerable, or admit I'm doing something wrong?

So when I get angry it's usually because I am not getting what I want. I realize that I cannot always have what I want. Is what I want unreasonable? Do I need to make a change in the way I think about what I want?

For instance one circumstance would be I'm angry when I want to do something for myself and then I am not able to because someone else needs me which is equally important to me. Maybe I am torn between helping myself and helping someone and then intern angry with myself if I want to help myself because I know that what I really want in this life is to help and inspire others. But can I fully do this is if do not also help myself?

Okay one thing I have come up with is to try and slow my thinking down a bit and ask myself in each situation, "What do I really want?" If I really want to help someone else then I will happily stop what I am doing and help if I really am spent and can't do more than what I am doing I will do something for myself. And then maybe I won't be torn and I can feel happy helping and I can feel happy doing something for myself too instead of guilty and angry. If when I ask myself this question and what I really want goes with my values then I know I am on the right track. Then maybe it will be easier to change some behaviors I'm not so happy with and be able to enjoy the things that I ultimately choose to do.

A list of values that I can refer to: (From Young Women's.)
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity
Honesty
Virtue


Lessons in Progress:

1) Maybe what I want conflicts sometimes so it is unreasonable because I can't have it all, all the time. So I need to choose one or the other instead.

2.) Ask myself, "What do I really want?"

3.) Be honest when telling myself what I really want and need.

To Love

It's amazing the difference it makes in behavior, outlook, self-esteem, and happiness when you decide it's okay to love yourself and allow others to love you.

Daily Mistakes...

Each and everyday is filled with both a jar half empty or full and even if it's leaning toward one way or the other you can always find the good, that is the glory in opposition in all things. No matter what we can find good in it. I feel like I can be grateful and find all of those good things but when it comes to me making a mistake I have the hardest time getting past it. I hate it, absolutely hate making mistakes. I am a fairly capable and knowledgeable person and I am able to make good and correct choices most of the time. But the reality is that it is impossible to do it 100% of the time. So inevitably I make mistakes pretty much daily. One mistake takes my Jar full of water no matter what level of fullness or emptiness it is at and it drops a big black drop of food coloring in it and turns the whole thing black murky and miserable. I have come to realize recently that the big black drop of die that perverts my clean water is telling me that because I am not perfect I am no longer worthy of being loved. And because I feel like I am no longer able to be loved I push away those around me that I do love because, "How could people like or enjoy me or love me if I make mistakes, if I'm not perfect, if I don't live up to what they need or want from me." These thoughts and feelings would bring me down and make life miserable making me more inclined to make even more mistakes then the first that was most likely a very innocent mistake. It would become a very vicious cycle for me.

Turning Points...
I remember a story of when I was in Junior High School and I was sleeping over at a friends house who lived a couple blocks away. And we were up late giggling and having a ball it was past midnight and into the early morning and I started to feel sick and I couldn't sleep and my friend, who, by the way, was a hypochondriac, suggested very strongly that she thought I should go home to sleep and be with my family. I agreed and walked home in the dark cold and I got to my house and realized that I did not have a house key I knocked quietly on the front door but not enough for anyone to hear while they slept. And instead of bothering anyone or inconveniencing anyone I would have rather sleep on the front porch in the cold without a coat or blanket and with the flu. As I was thinking about this memory I thought, "What if that was my daughter cold and sick out on the front porch I would have been so sad and would have wanted to reach out to her and love her and take care of her even if it was 2 or 3 in the morning." And it occurred to me that I was worth it too. That it was okay for me to bother someone or need something and that it was okay for me to love myself enough to knock a bit louder or to ring the doorbell or go knock on my parents window, that I was worth it.

The greatest love and example of love that I know is from my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so truly grateful that I have been able to feel of his love and that I have been able to have others bless me from their love and concern to help show me that I am worth it that I am loved even when I don't get everything right. In Mark Chapter 12 versus 30 and 31 Jesus talks about the greatest commandment and that it is to "^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy ^cstrength" and that the second greatest is like it "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I truly believe that loving our selves is included in this and that in order for us to fully love like we need to we must first love ourselves, mistakes and all. As I put my trust in the lord and in his love for me I know that I can change and that I can have my thoughts turn to him and to love instead of feelings of despair and hopelessness. For I know that he loves me enough to care about my tears and my anguish and I am truly grateful for him. Through him my best is good enough and he can make up the difference and he continues to care and love despite my weakness and imperfections. People do have limitations and do make mistakes and therefore I can forgive those who have not loved me when I have faltered and failed and will love myself instead and continue to do my best daily.

Lessons in Progress:

1) Love yourself

2) Love Others

3) Don't let negative thoughts get us down instead turn our thoughts to the Lord and his love and trust in him.

Expectations

My anxiety is sometimes caused by my outrageous expectations.

I have too high of expectations for what can actually be achieved either realistically or physically or timing and it sucks. It causes me a lot of anxiety.

Shifts...

My husband works shifts, four days of twelve hours and then four days off. Well, on his four days off we get so much done plus I enjoy my kids and I'm just loving life. Well, on his four days on he works eight to eight so he's pretty much gone the whole time the girls are awake and it's a pretty long day for me. Not to mention that my expectations are set at overload from the days that he has just had off so I am working full power trying to get everything done that I have on my list. Which is just as long as the list that I had on his days off by the way. And I am just so frustrated and overspent and mad at myself for not acheiving more by the end of the day.

What I forgot to change was my expectations of what I was going to get done that day. I forget that my time is doubled when my husband is home so my list should be cut in have when he's at work and then I could enjoy the day but also have a realistic expectation of what I could get done.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't expect miracles expect progress. However, I do believe in miracles I just think that expecting them on a regular basis sets you up to be hurting and disappointed.

2.) A change in expectation is a change in attitude.

Bad Days are Inevitable.

I hate it when I'm doing so well and things are going really well and then blech.


Bad Day...

Okay it's been more like two bad days. But I'm just being happy that the good days are starting to far outway the bad ones I think that is probablly normal. I'm very excited to say that I may actually be feeling more normal by the day. I've really had to make a concious effort to get myself to snap out of it and kick myself into gear but I've felt it well worth it.

Since I have started getting my routine into a more regular basis I seem to be getting repricutions from my family. It seems that they prefer me to be giving all of my time to them. And hey I guess if I were used to having mom 24/7 I would need to adjust too. I've been getting questions such as, "Do you have to exercise everyday?" "The kids haven't had breakfast yet?" (Even though it's only 6:45am) I believe that they will just have to get used to the fact that mom has basic needs too. :)

Lessons in Progress...

#1: Stick with it. Remember that I'm going to have bad days everybody does, the problem comes when I can't get myself out of it.

#2: Even if others aren't feeling the same way I do it doesn't mean that they have to and it doesn't mean that I have to change to feel the way they're feeling either. I can be happy with my choices and feelings even if they conflict with how others feel or think. It's better to have them conflict with others and find a way to compromise then to put yours aside and cause inner conflict or anxiety.

#3: Routine and organization help put me on track and keep me on track.

Respect Yourself.

I think once you start respecting yourself and saying what you feel and knowing that you are important enough to do those things others around you can respect you and they notice that they can't walk on you.

People Pleasing...

Me being a People Pleaser I've had a really hard time saying how I feel or doing what I need to do especially if it conflicts with how someone else feels. It is really a negative thing for my self confidence and my self concept even. I had an experience where I just said how I felt even though a friend of mine was saying something different. Because I'm not always this way she seemed shocked but really afterwords I felt more respect. If we do not respect ourselves other don't either.

This has really turned into a positive thing for me. I feel like I can make this weakness of mine into a positive thing. I still want to please people but instead of giving up myself identity to do I speak my peace in a kind way that would not be intended to hurt someone, and explain myself if necessary. But also because I like to please others it brings many good qualities. Like being a good friend and listener, and being willing to help when others need you. These are positive things that I can embrace about myself and throw out the part where I lose myself in it. The balance needs to be there.

I have really been doing my breathing twice a day and thinking positive thoughts and I have been not only recognizing the times that I do mess up but also making efforts to change them. This is giving me more confidence to say what I think and have more confidence in my choices.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: I need to give myself enough respect to say what I feel and give myself the time that I need so that I'm not always giving so that I can also give to myself.

#2: Embrace myself even the weaknesses because they can only make me stronger.

#3: Constantly worrying about what others think about me and how they might react if I disagree is a waste of time and energy it's also counterproductive and unnecessary, and mostly it causes a lot of anxiety.

#4: The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have to change what I am thinking and my actions if I expect to recover from anxiety.

#5: Don't forget my breathing and meditation in the morning it grounds me and is helping me change my thinking and behavior and therefore easing the Anxiety.

People are who they are.

This theme that I've been learning a lot about lately really has two different meanings for me. One is that I am much happier now that I am accepting myself and my feelings and now that I am learning about who I am and more so, accepting myself. The second part of this is that other people are going to be themselves and weather we think we should have a different relationship with them than what we have, we can not change other people it's best to accept them for them.

Being Me...

I noticed myself accepting things about myself that I don't necessarily see as a good thing but now I know that it's apart of self acceptance. I sometimes hate the fact that I love order and in the past as come off like I'm trying to control. When in fact order is a good thing and cleanliness are good things it's just when it gets to the point of control or overdoing it is when it becomes a problem. I have made many changes these past couple weeks in embracing myself that have changed my outlook and made life a lot better for me. Because I like things clean I had this goal that was unattainable and I just recently made it attainable and I am putting it into action. My past goal of cleaning the whole house once a day and then deep cleaning once a week. Which I have now realized in unrealistic in a perfect "Lindsay World" it would be fabulous but I don't live in that world so my new goal is one chore a day and each day of the week is assigned a chore. Monday- Paperwork
Tuesday-Bathrooms
Wednesday-Wash Furniture
Thursday-Dusting/Windows
Friday-Floors
Saturday-Laundry/iron
Sunday-Rest
Everyday-Planner and Clean Kitchen after meals
This system which I have accepted as acceptable works much much better than the other because I can actually do this one and I don't get overloaded and frustrated and give up most of the time. And my housework actually gets done more efficiently.

Another change I have made is accepting the fact that I love my planner I love having my routine and I love my chore charts for the girls and I love our house rules especially the one where we only eat in the kitchen and I have accepted that even if this is not the norm for all families it is what I want and it is what is working for me. I have also accepted that if I what these things to always work there is change in life so there will also need to be a change in the way things are organized but if I keep it organized I will be happy.

Accepting Others...

The most difficult people to accept sometimes are the ones you think should be a certain way which are not. Loved ones for example. There have been some things that I have been hurt by from my father recently and I shared them with him. I expected things to go a lot better and then hopefully get a better relationship with him. But what I realized was that he is content with the current situation and does not wish to change it he was very defensive and blaming. His intentions are good but he feels a victim and picked on so I feel like I will not be able to change that and in turn that means he will continue to feel that way and judge me based on that paradigm. It's best for me to accept him and his view on things so that I do not have false hope and just acceptance of the current situation and if times heals it then that is the only thing that will because my voice which I'm glad I was able to share it gave me more confidence in myself but it did not change things and I can at least know that I have a voice and I have feelings and even though he was not willing to validate them I can validate them for myself.

Lessons in Progress...
#1: Changing myself has been really not about changing me but accepting me. Which has in turn changed me and my disposition and the way I deal with other people because I can confidently and kindly say how I feel.

#2: Even though I was not able to resolve the conflict I was having with my father I was able to resolve it with myself. I know I spoke to him respectfully and kind and I know I validated his feelings and I know I stood up for me and my feelings which in the end is a victory for me.

#3: I can't change others but I control myself and my feelings and I cannot keep allowing my feelings to be hurt so accept how others view the relationship so I don't keep putting myself in a position to be hurt.

#4: Sharing my feelings is a major part of accepting myself and most people will accept them and even in the cases where people do not you cannot risk holding them back for that reason, for risk is the only way to truly stand up for yourself.

"Change the Changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable." -Denis Waitly

Think Before You Speak.

Often times I just say what I'm thinking and don't really think about how others will interpret it until after and then I just replay it over and over again. And sometimes I really do hurt people and I say something I haven't thought through yet or didn't really mean. And then I spend forever thinking about it and interpreting anything somebody else says through it, and even after I talked to the person about it I still feel bad about it. It's Exhausting.

Misinterpretation:

This week my husband thought I was trying to say I wanted to split and I felt terrible about the whole thing and he's over it and I torment myself. All I was trying to do was explore myself and why I act the way I do sometimes. Anyway, we're all good and I just feel like I want to keep my mouth shut.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I could reverse this a little and think before I speak instead of torture myself after I would be a lot less anxious.

#2 Realize that everyone says things that they don't want to sometimes so they are understanding and willing to forgive.

Go Down the Path Less Traveled.

Sometimes the path less traveled is the path that we need to take. It's scary and we haven't been down it much so it isn't easy but the more we go down the path the easier it gets. I read an article by Bruce K Fordham in the Ensign about how we think and how we can change it and it really helped me to visualize our brains and to give me hope that if I keep practicing and if I keep trying to change my negative thoughts into good thoughts that it will get easier. It's called Think About what you are Thinking about. Check it out it is a good one.

House...

One of the biggest things that has affected me lately is the fact that the only way for me to fix something is for me to be honest about it. We wanted to buy a house recently but finally had to accept the fact that it really would be better for us to wait to buy until we can save some more money and be more prepared. It was really hard because we loved the house and we really wanted it and we had to tell some friends that we wouldn't be buying their home which is a whole other hard thing for me and we had to realize that we aren't going to buy our own home for awhile. That was really hard to accept and to admit and I still am kind of sad about the house but I feel better that we did what we needed to do but I am emotionally drained today. But if I wasn't honest with myself and others I would put myself in a situation where I didn't want to have feelings at all anymore and I would stop thinking and feeling and just let life make choices for me instead and me make the choices. It was hard and it's something that I'm not used to doing.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I keep making my own choices and thinking for myself it will get easier and I will gain more confidence.

#2 The truth is the only way to set yourself free.

#3 Changing what we do and how we think takes a lot of work and time but it can become the path well traveled.

you have to Change.

In order for my life to change and for me to change I have to change and I have to do something different. I think bad things about myself and I do have low self-esteem. I have been struggling with this pretty much my whole life. I love my dad and I am not blaming my dad for the way that I am but I am just saying that this may be the reason that I do think bad things about myself is because my dad used to call me bad names and yell at me a lot. A couple of the things that he really got upset about was going to bed and getting up in the morning. I started my day off thinking bad thoughts about myself and believing them the rest of the day. This happened for a long time. Now I believe that it is going to take me a long time to change it. But in order to change it I have to actively do something to change it. So I've started thinking good thoughts about myself and doing my breathing every morning and night and I'm already starting to see changes in the way I think others percieve me and in the way I treat my behaviors and being more confident in myself and my actions. I have also struggled a lot with going to sleep and getting myself up in the morning and I find it a lot easier to do when I'm thinking good things about myself.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: You can't expect something to change if you do not do something to change it.

#2: Changing the way you think is hard and it takes a lot of time to change. Especially when it's taken a lot of time to set up the way you think.

#3: Thinking good things about yourself can literally make you a better person. The power of the mind is unmeasurable.