Tuesday, November 26, 2013

To Dream or not to Dream

Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we dreamed it to be or the way that our heart was set out on and sometimes we just have to trust that The Lord had given us another path that may be a lot better then the path that we had pictured.

Life's Disappointments:

We are so excited to have another little baby come and join our wonderful family.  We have felt blessed ever since we found out about this new little one.  We knew that we were walking in the steps that our Heavenly Father had planned for us.  Everything was just falling into place for us.  When we decided to have another baby we also found our first home that fit our family and that we were able to afford...which was looking almost impossible prior to this.  Additional income for the family also presented itself and was a blessing.
So I'm guessing you're wondering where the disappointment came in.  Ever since I was a little girl I had pictured being a mom and I had imagined having boys grow up in my family.  Part of my personality is to include details.  In fact, I had the exact family and the exact home down to the decorations pictured out and how my yard would look...etc.etc.  My husband and I have three beautiful little girls and are having what is most likely our last baby.  The ultrasound day came and we found out the gender of our baby....another girl.  Neither my husband or I were surprised.  A rush of feelings swarm us both.  Of course we will love this little baby and we know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who gives us what we need and that he knows what is best for us and our family.  I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me at first knowing that I would love this baby as I love all my children and the thought of being disappointed about a wonderful life coming into the world broke my heart.  So I wanted to pretend I didn't care what gender of baby I had.  As I listened to my husband poor out his heart of father and son outings that he would not be invited to and football games that he would never see his son play in my heart felt for him.  I realized that my dream had also been broken, of course I cried though.  He was glad that I cried first so that he didn't have to. :)  I quit frankly was mad at Heavenly Father for doing this.  I know he has a good reason but what the reason is I do not understand at this point.  I have often found myself wondering, "Why do I dream?" "Why do I care about what I have and what I don't have?" "Why do I try or hope?"  I have a hard time letting go of these dreams that I pictured in my mind as a child.  And perhaps they were my escape from any pain that I felt, they were my happy future that I so longed for as a child.  I cling so desperately to these exact dreams that when they fail I feel as if I have failed and my happy future is somehow gone never to return.  What I'm learning is that dreams must change not stop.  I may never have a baby boy but that doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.  I may never have my own personal swimming pool, and I may never have some of the dreams that I've dreamed.  Just because I haven't been given my version of happiness doesn't mean that I won't have another version of happiness.  When we cling to dreams that won't happen I think it makes a person angry.  I could be angry the rest of my life for not getting what I want and what I think I deserve or I could take what I am given and be grateful for it and embrace it and make a new dream.  Dreams give us hope, dreams help us grow.  I can't control everything.  All I can do is figure out why was I given a family like my family growing up and why was I given a second chance.  What is my special plan and mission and how can I continue to dream and to find my happy place now.  

I'm not going to lie I am going to be disappointed when I think about it for awhile.  It's best for me to be disappointed now and to deal with the emotion so that I will be ready and happy and excited when she comes.  There are a many great things in my life and there are a many great things to look forward to with a new baby coming whom I am going to love and who is going to be a wonderful addition to our family.  Each child is different in their own way.  I'm not going to have the child that I want them to be no matter what gender of child I get.  My job is to love them and nourish them and help them learn and grow and learn and develop who they are.  

Now I just have to find some new dreams.  Good bye old dreams and hello new dreams.  Can't wait to meet my new baby girl!

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  Prayers that feel unanswered are only answered in a way that we can't see now.

2.)  Dream big, try hard, fail hard, dream again, try again, fail again and keep going.

3.)  Don't hold on to pride, admit disappointment.  

4.) Don't let lost dreams create anger, let go and make new dreams.  (they may not be as bad as they seem :)

5.)  Give thanks for what I have been given!

Happy Thanksgiving All!!!

Photo By Tenika

Saturday, November 9, 2013


So much for managing the Halloween Candy like I had hoped.  The girls took their bags and hid under their fort and ate goodness knows how much candy today.  I did find out how much late tonight when my four year old came in my room saying, "I'm sorry mom I didn't know I was going to throw up."  I had a nice and patient response and I was really trying hard to hold it together.  Until I went in the room smelled it and saw it.  I quickly got to work after the dread of the moment had passed.  I gathered sheets and cleaners and rags and took things to the washing machine to start the laundry all the way trying to hold in my frustration of the moment and not to mention the throwing up that my body so  wanted to do itself.  It wasn't until I remembered that I didn't have any laundry soap and that making it was on my list of to do's for tomorrow that I had a total meltdown.  I guess I should explain that not only was I up in the middle of the night cleaning up puck with no laundry soap I was also sick myself.  I've been sick with a cough and it will just not go away.  I had it for two weeks and then I was better and then it came back, argh!!  So it had taken me awhile to fall asleep in the first place and I haven't been sleeping very well for who knows how long since the coughing and when you are sleeping well and get woken up after not sleeping well you are already on edge.  The smell of the throw up was just unbearable and since I'm pregnant it seemed to be amplified by ten and I'm surprised I didn't loose it myself.  Anyway moving on...so I guess now after writing this I could see why I might have a meltdown after all this on top of being tired and sick myself.  I gave in and lay on the laundry room floor in tears and whaling like a baby.  I must have been loud because my husband woke up and came asking what he could do to help.  I however could not respond because well I was too busy whaling and moping and feeling sorry for myself to answer.  Anyway in the end I made some laundry soap and my hubby helped clean up the mess and the child and everyone else is sleeping happily in their clean beds while I lay here awake, hence the blogging at this hour.  The coughs once again are keeping me up.

I guess on the positive note I will be able to find a lesson somewhere in this experience.  Not really what I want but I'm learning that what I want isn't always what's best.  I feel frustrated that when I need something it is nearly impossible to get it.  And I'm finding myself asking, "Why is it if I need it and it will help me had Heavenly Father made it so I can't have it."  Like now I'm sick and I need rest to get better but it is nearly impossible to get it.  Why is it that I am told to be patient but I'm given hormones and sickness and no sleep all at once making it almost impossible to have it.  Well the reality is that I don't know why and I probably won't know why for sure until I die.  So what I do know though is that I'm not here to do this on my own.  Or at least that's the way it is intended.  Heavenly Father never said it would be easy he only said it would be worth it.  So keep looking up and keep looking ahead and keep going and making progress.  We have been given hope through the atonement of Jesus Christ and we have been given other people in our life.  Sometimes I really try hard to push them away because I don't want to admit that I'm to the point of a meltdown on the laundry room floor.  I'm glad that my hubby was around to help too.  I also have lot's of wonderful friends and family that offer support.  A blessing I've gotten is to reread a conference talk that I love that reminds me to "Look up.”

Lessons in progress:

1.) When you don't understand why just trust.  Trust that even though it's not what you want it's gotta be what The Lord wants.

2.)  Don't push people away, they are our angels on earth.

3.)  Recognize that it is hard and that I am going to mess up more times then I get it right and that there is hope in the Atonement.

4.)  When I can't sleep it’s okay there are things that need to be done anyway.  So don't stress it just makes it worse.

5.) It is the small things that we do everyday that make a big difference.  Like small coping skills like writing and breathing and meditating and healthy foods......

Thursday, May 30, 2013


Sometimes it takes just one person to stand up and say something isn't right.  Sometimes it takes a lot more than that.

I went for a walk down by the river and I saw a lot of beautiful things.  It always clears my head to be out in nature.  Even though I may not be the one to change the world...one small step for change and one small step for progress is a great accomplishment.

Lessons in progress:

1.) There is a lot of work to be done and the best I can do is one small step at a time!

2.) I cannot always change others or events by what I say or do so I must remember that change does not reflect effort.

3.) The world is a much bigger place then me, there is much more out there then my small little corner.  Looking at the bigger picture helps open your mind to so many possibilities and much gratitude.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Accept Defeat

When things go wrong and there is nothing more that you can do to fix it then sometimes it is time to accept defeat and keep moving forward.

The Necklaces

My girls got necklaces this year for Easter. They had pendant fairies on them with tiny jars of fairy dust. I knew the girls would love them and they did. They put them on right away and took great care of them. The next day one of my daughters had her jar of glitter in her mouth and was kind of chewing on it. And it breaks and fairy dust, aka glitter, goes everywhere including all over her mouth. I would be upset and could tell that she was but she was hiding it from us very well. I took her upstairs to get away from everyone and to clean the glitter off of her tongue and make sure that she didn't get cut. I asked her if she was sad about her necklace and immediately the wall she had up fell and the tears began to fall. "I'm really sad mom." And even though it was just a thing and maybe doesn't mean much to me I felt for her. I felt bad knowing that she tried to have a strong face because she knew that she really shouldn't have had that necklace in her mouth. It was her fault. So she should pretend like it doesn't bother her? It was okay for her to be upset I understood how she felt and I held her and let her cry and let her be disappointed. I had a friend who told me they were having another baby really close to another baby they had and she said, "I know it was my choice but I still want to be able to have feelings and share feelings when things get hard, because I know they will."

Within minutes of the first incident my other daughter tripped and fell and saved herself from falling into the entertainment stand but as she did her new necklace flung forward and hit the entertainment stand and broke. She didn't notice until later when one if her sisters saw the glitter on the ground and told her. She was sad and felt bad that her new necklace was ruined.

Later that same day the daughter with the only left jar of fairy dust didn't want to give me her necklace because she was afraid I would break or loose it. She promised herself that she wouldn't let hers break, so she put it in her coat pocket when we got ready to go swimming. When I left the house and saw the coats sitting by the front door I thought I better bring them because even though they weren't needed now, on this early spring day, they would need them when it was dark and cold and they were wet leaving the pool. So I grabbed the coats. Later, when my daughter realized I brought the coats she looked for her necklace and couldn't find it she had thoughts of a lost and broken necklace and worried about it until we got home. Luckily, we found the necklace on the porch outside the front door but unluckily the necklace had been stepped on and her glass jar was broken and there was glitter all over the porch. She was devastated. She was sad that her new necklace was broken but more then that she was upset that she had broken her promise to herself. I gave her hugs and understood why she was so upset. I hated breaking promises to myself and others.

I was also upset with myself for giving them such a breakable gift. I thought that they were tough jars but I was mistaken. I also thought they would just love them. Well, they did love them enough that they were so upset that they were broken. I felt like I set them up to fail and that wasn't my intention at all. I could easily find other jars of fairy dust to give them to replace the broken jars but sometimes it is just best to accept my mistake and move on. There were some great lessons we learned from the jars of magic glitter we sprinkled about:

Lessons In Progress:

1.) Even though it may be your fault that something bad has happened it doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have feelings about it.

2.) When something you love gets ruined or broken or lost its okay to be upset about it.

3.) When your kids or others feel upset about something that you wouldn't be upset about. Find a situation in which you felt the same way they are feeling and your heart will melt!

4.) Because I wasn't angry with the kids I was able to help them and see their side.

5.) When you don't end up doing something that you said you would do, despite your best efforts, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you are a failure. It doesn't mean that you should stop trying or that you aren't able to do something that you put your mind to, it doesn't mean that you don't have integrity. It means that sometimes things go the way we want or try but most of the time they don't. There is something better in-store for us and we must trust and accept that we don't always control everything and that things will work out for us.

6.) Trying to go back in time and fix things won't work. Accept that you make bad choices sometimes and just move on. You can't always get back what is lost.

7.) Its good that we don't have to worry about making up for what is lost because the savior makes up what we can't do. He knows those struggles we are going through and even when we mess up he is willing to put his arms around us and let us cry.