The Squawky Bird

For the last two weeks when we pulled up into the parking lot at church and there was this bird standing on the river rocks that lined the parking lot.  The bird looked like it was about to attack us.  It was squawking and ruffling up her feathers and I’m going to admit she was pretty scary.  After before and after church both days that bird just had it out for us. When we went to leave one of my daughters threw a rock at the bird because she was scared.  She thought that the bird was going to attack us and she thought the bird was being mean but after looking a little closer we saw that in the rocks there were some eggs that were the exact same color as the rocks and she had her nest right next to the spot where we usually park. After realizing this my daughter felt really bad. My kids have been fighting a lot lately and really just saying, “She's mean...” It made me think of this squawky bird and how she was misunderstood and how she was acting “mean” only to protect something.  What I want my girls to understand is that sometimes people my be acting out only because they are feeling threatened, or they feel that someone they love is being threatened, or they do not feel loved or accepted. One of my daughters was upset and said she was "mean." My kids have been using that word like crazy! Argh it is now a bad word in our home! Anyway I explained to her that she wasn't mean but just a "squawky bird" who was being misunderstood.

 Not only did it make me contemplate my girls relationships but it made me contemplate myself and my reactions as well as others reactions towards me.  When someone is acting out towards me I need to be slow to judge and slow to be offended because it is most likely not personal.  Also, it is most likely no issue on my part but it is usually something the other person struggles with. It is more important to look deeper and smarter than it is to retaliate.  I just read an article about a study saying that peoples addictions are driven by a lack of being loved and having a community and feeling apart of a community and having a healthy and safe environment.  Basically loneliness.  In today’s society there is a lot of loneliness and we need to reach out to one another and lift each other up even if they are being a squawky bird.  The more we love the more changes we can see.  However, the other thing to remember is that even if we choose to love and to understand others they may never change.  They may always "squawk" at us.  The other thing that I love about the squawky bird is that even if I change my behavior towards someone there is no guarantee that they will change their reactions towards me.  I honestly believe that is is possible to repair hurt, to reclaim love, and break down barriers. There simply is just nothing you can do sometimes.  This bird will probably squawk at us next week too.  Realizing this only helps build realistic expectations.  I do not think it is necessary to change sometimes except our expectations.

Lessons in progress:

Don't be too quick to judge.

Recognize our intentions and motives and easily forgive ourselves.

Change anger to love and see if the squawky bird stops squawking.

I won't always change others by changing myself but I will change myself and therefore bring more peace.

Try not to squawk when I'm misunderstood and just realize that unless I've helped someone understand my side they will not automatically be understanding.

My Purpose

My Purpose is here
Here on Earth
Doing my Part
Finding my way
Setbacks they come
Coping is key
Keep Going
Keep Trying
They need you
You need them

Plans are Futile
Follow the Lord’s Plan
Not mine

Stop, Think, Breath
Solve and then continue
Trust, Grow, Learn

Hope Follows Action
Act, Serve, Love, Release

Live

-Lindsay Casey

It’s Still Good

Words cannot describe the disappointment, pain, and anger I feel.  I am so very hurt.  Everything in my mind tells me that it is done it is over and so therefore I need to be over it too.  I feel unjustified to be angry I feel like I have no right to be upset for I have a wonderful baby safe at home.  Why my mind and body cannot let go of the pain and move forward?  Going to the hospital the night before my baby was born my body was filled with so much anxiety that I cannot describe the feeling into words.  I was in such a state of emotional turmoil that I could not make a concise choice to safe my life.  I depended on those around me to help me make good choices.  It is never a good feeling to feel like your own mind does not function because your guts want to burst out of your stomach.  Labor progressed that night and as it did I felt so alone in my pain and anguish.  All I could do was make choices based on past experiences.  I did not make all the best choices but how could I, the clouds would not clear out of my brain and the pain would not ease.  Time was coming closer to having my baby girl born into this world as my body ached in pain I wanted nothing more then to have my baby in my arms safe and for the pain and anxiety to ease.  As she was approaching the earth the world around me spun as I was asked to do do an extraordinary feet.  “Get Her out NOW!” I remember them repeating to me....”Get Her out NOW!” “Get Her out Now!”  The calm exterior trying to mask the worry in their voice as her heart dropped.  I pushed with all I had and could not get her out.  What have I done.  I kept trying and on the third try I finally got her out.  Blue and limp she arrived with the cord wrapped around her neck four times.  She started to cry and breath and I was finally relieved to have her on me.  I felt her thick black curls stuck to head and tried to wrap her in my arms while an awkward annoying nurse tries to help me and then the nurse needed her and said I would have her right back.  Of course I wanted her to be okay so of course I let her.  She stole her and didn’t give her back as I lay there almost bleeding to death as puddles of blood rushed to the floor, and looking over at my baby yearning to hold her as some kind of bandaid to help ease the pain.  No one could help me  get my baby because they were trying to save me.  The baby lay there crying and the nurse doing her charts and having no clue what she was doing to my heart.  As I asked for my baby over and over.  My bleeding stopped and she was going to bring her to me.  She lay next to me slow close yet so far away there was nothing I could do there was nothing I could say, I could not change what was happening no matter what I wanted.  How could this nurse be so insensitive and have no clue what she was doing to my heart.  Why wouldn't they help me the way I wanted?  My baby almost given to me, almost there,  and then my body started to shake.  My body shook so uncontrollably that there was no way I could have held her in me arms safely.  “I want my baby!”  As everyone around did there best to help me, I shook and I shook and I shook.  For two hours my body was out of control and I had no where to turn I could do nothing to stop and to get my baby.  I wanted her so badly.  All I wanted this whole pregnancy was the moment I got to hold her in my arms and reach hold her close to my body.  She had been mine in me and no one else could take her and now there she was and I could do nothing to have her in my arms, NOTHING!  Get her, Husband, just go get her! No!  He wouldn’t leave my side.  Finally, as my body started to calm, they brought her to me and I just looked down at her and had a sense of relief as I put her to my body and I felt her close to my skin.  She started to nurse and I just nursed her as long as she wanted because I could not bear to let her go.  I still shook off and on but held on tight to my love.  I could not loose control again because I might not get her back when I asked I might not get what I wanted.  That nurse had no right to make that choice for me. She was my baby and she took it upon herself to make a choice that was not hers.  I honestly hate her.  She broke my heart and took away something that I can never get back.  I hate her!      The day went by pretty well and the other girls got to come to the hospital and meet her and I got to see my family together.  Then as everyone parted the headaches, dizziness and pain started.  I tried to sleep and feed my baby but I was not succeeding.  Finally, I gave in and let the nurse take her.  I slept and the baby slept and there was some relief.  But needless to say I had some separation anxiety.  I had to get a blood patch the next morning which my husband was supposed to make it for and was late as I cried through the scary procedure.  A kind nurse massaged some oils on me and aided with some relief, I felt somewhat better and thought I might be able to go home.  My husband was anxious to go.  I could barely get up and walk around and without even seeing me the doctor released me.  No iron tests and no care from her and I was released.  Again with anxiety rising up in my soul I was not able to make a good choice and let those around me help me make those choices.  All I could do was go off of past experience and in the past I would have been fine to go home.  While back at home I had major headaches, chest pain, hearing lose, numbness, tingling, and so dizzy I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t go back to the hospital because then I would be away from my baby.  I couldn’t do it.  I would manage.  When one night a Panic Attack hit me so strongly the chest pains and shooting pain was so strong that I thought I would die there.  Trying to stay there.  I held my baby day and night not to let her go as much as I could.  What a joy but the full joy of having a newborn was gone because I was in so much pain and in such a cloudy fog in  my brain that I could not feel much of anything besides that.  I feel like my joy was stolen away and I wanted it back.  There were so many people who reached out to me and blessed me and my family I am so grateful for the love others had for us and the great blessings we received during this time.  It took me two months to recover and fear of stroke from tingling all down the left side of my body from head to toe.  I wished my husband would have helped me more...but how could he really understand what I was going through and what would have helped me most.  I now have a beautiful baby that is alive and healthy and I am alive to enjoy.  I cannot dwell no the pain because I want to enjoy the now.  I must feel it and let it be.  Every time I see a baby, every time I hear a birth story, every time I see her baby photos, the feelings swarm back into my heart hard to push away the pain.  So don’t push it away.

When the event is triggered by something happening today I can:

1.) Let the feelings in and let it be.  Do not push the feelings out or try and stop them or deny them and the feelings will do what they are meant to do.

2.) After I have felt through it I can think more logically and come up with the story that makes it better....Something I learned....Something I can help others with....Something that is real and true.

3.) Amongst all the pain there is good and I need to focus on the good and feel through the bad.  

4.) Forgive those who trespass you as I would want others to forgive me.  Forgive myself.  The Lord will make up what was lost.  

5.) Do not let the pain of the past shadow the good of today.  Take control of my feelings today and do not give power to those who did me wrong. 

6.) Do not let the bad ruin all the good too.  She is here!  My Miracle!

7.)  Think it through beginning to end seeing both the good and the bad all the way through.

8.) Most things are out of my control.  

9.) I did all that I could do at that time.

10.)  Do not "What if” or “Should Have” the story.  I can not change it! I can only come up with what it means to me today to move forward with JOY!

The Thing I Could Do Without

I have been torturing myself with worry my whole life.  Mostly worry about what others think about me.  I went through a long time where I lost myself and became someone I didn't like, because I worried about what others thought.  I have really been working hard on finding myself and happiness and I am finding it slowly but surely!  I have many wonderful friends and family and professionals :) that have been helping me. Loosing myself in service and love towards others makes a huge difference it is really amazing how we can find ourselves through service.

 I am a passionate, assertive, friendly, outgoing, sensitive, and goal oriented person.  Sometimes in my passion for the ideas that I have and the strong love that I have for my family I can be outspoken.  I wish that people would form their opinions about you based on what they know of you and not what they hear.  I have been spoken badly about and I had such a negative response from others who thought they knew me and tried to defend themselves.  I am not judging anyone I am not accusing anyone I just want to be able to walk in the school where my children are and feel welcome and not be judged and be able to have open and honest conversations. I want to collaborate and communicate on level ground.  The frustrating part for me is that I worked so hard to try and make the school more safe not only for my kids but for so many other kids that were struggling and the other families get to benefit and I get to take the heat and judgement.  I feel like why did I speak up for everyone else when I am the only one who gets judged for this and did not receive support.  Why did I do this for others I feel like my kids are actually jeopardized because of me speaking up.  So why help the student body when it hurts my kids.  The worst part is to be judged by someone you do not even know.  I want to just go explain myself and make people understand the pain I was going through and the frustration of trying to help everyone on my own.  I just want to be done with the parent committee at school if all it is gong to do is jeopardize my personal relationships and my kids relationships in order to help the student body.

To make matters worse my husband lost his job and the rumors people are spreading are just vicious!!! I am very angry at the people starting such rumors and spreading them.  You can tell that people who used to be friendly to you are no longer friendly.  Or when friends ignore you and be cold it is hard not to be angry about the rumors when the rumors change your life and how people treat you.

I just read a wonderful talk by President Hinckley and one of the stories he talked about was a Mayor who was falsely accused of stealing something.  He spent the rest if his life defending himself to others and even in his death bed he was exclaiming that he hadn't done it.  How sad to live your life defending your honor.  The talk is here.

Lessons in progress:

I may not be able to change what others say about me and I'm not going to be able to change how others treat me because of it.  But I don't have to change me to fit what they think and I don't have to try and convince them that I'm not who they think I am.  All I have to do "is nothing" but be myself.  And if I loose friends over this then I guess they aren't truly friends.  If people cannot change their opinion of me after seeing how kind and compassionate I am, then I cannot do anything more about it.

I can still be me and be passionate and say how I feel in a respectful way and the part that I can get rid of is.... The worry about what others think about me.   I'm not changing me again so I better just stop worrying about what others think.

Release control and do my part and that is all I can do.

Forgive and remove the anger.

Photograph by Tenika

Thanks to my husband, family, and friends and teachers who support me through these hard times!

One pumpkin

My husband got out the fall decorations for me and the girls were just having a ball putting them up. It's so cute that they love to decorate and I have to let go of my obsessive behavior and let them just do it!  They did and it looks very nice :) I'm proud of them!

Anyway that really isn't the point of the story, as the box opened I was reminded of the box that I opened a couple years ago.  The moldy box!  Judge if you may but I had no idea that a gourd was a living vegetable I thought it was more like Indian corn, dried out and non perishable.  As you may have guessed by now I put it in the box with the rest of the fall decorations.  One little small baby pumpkin and a year later, the box was opened to a very moldy box and a whole bunch of ruined fall decorations.  Needless to say that I was very disappointed especially over my wooden pumpkin decoration that was ruined.  Okay now I have a point.  It just made me think about life, and about how one little or big thing can ruin the whole box.

Lessons in progress:

1) If we focus on the bad and let it sit and fester it will ruin all the good too.

2) Focusing on the positive won't necessarily remove the bad but it will help  you see that there is more good then bad.

3) When the bad seems to overwhelm the good look under the mold do some cleaning, move on, and make it work.

To Dream or not to Dream

Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we dreamed it to be or the way that our heart was set out on and sometimes we just have to trust that The Lord had given us another path that may be a lot better then the path that we had pictured.

Life's Disappointments:

We are so excited to have another little baby come and join our wonderful family.  We have felt blessed ever since we found out about this new little one.  We knew that we were walking in the steps that our Heavenly Father had planned for us.  Everything was just falling into place for us.  When we decided to have another baby we also found our first home that fit our family and that we were able to afford...which was looking almost impossible prior to this.  Additional income for the family also presented itself and was a blessing.

     

So I'm guessing you're wondering where the disappointment came in.  Ever since I was a little girl I had pictured being a mom and I had imagined having boys grow up in my family.  Part of my personality is to include details.  In fact, I had the exact family and the exact home down to the decorations pictured out and how my yard would look...etc.etc.  My husband and I have three beautiful little girls and are having what is most likely our last baby.  The ultrasound day came and we found out the gender of our baby....another girl.  Neither my husband or I were surprised.  A rush of feelings swarm us both.  Of course we will love this little baby and we know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who gives us what we need and that he knows what is best for us and our family.  I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me at first knowing that I would love this baby as I love all my children and the thought of being disappointed about a wonderful life coming into the world broke my heart.  So I wanted to pretend I didn't care what gender of baby I had.  As I listened to my husband poor out his heart of father and son outings that he would not be invited to and football games that he would never see his son play in my heart felt for him.  I realized that my dream had also been broken, of course I cried though.  He was glad that I cried first so that he didn't have to. :)  I quit frankly was mad at Heavenly Father for doing this.  I know he has a good reason but what the reason is I do not understand at this point.  I have often found myself wondering, "Why do I dream?" "Why do I care about what I have and what I don't have?" "Why do I try or hope?"  I have a hard time letting go of these dreams that I pictured in my mind as a child.  And perhaps they were my escape from any pain that I felt, they were my happy future that I so longed for as a child.  I cling so desperately to these exact dreams that when they fail I feel as if I have failed and my happy future is somehow gone never to return.  What I'm learning is that dreams must change not stop.  I may never have a baby boy but that doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.  I may never have my own personal swimming pool, and I may never have some of the dreams that I've dreamed.  Just because I haven't been given my version of happiness doesn't mean that I won't have another version of happiness.  When we cling to dreams that won't happen I think it makes a person angry.  I could be angry the rest of my life for not getting what I want and what I think I deserve or I could take what I am given and be grateful for it and embrace it and make a new dream.  Dreams give us hope, dreams help us grow.  I can't control everything.  All I can do is figure out why was I given a family like my family growing up and why was I given a second chance.  What is my special plan and mission and how can I continue to dream and to find my happy place now.  

I'm not going to lie I am going to be disappointed when I think about it for awhile.  It's best for me to be disappointed now and to deal with the emotion so that I will be ready and happy and excited when she comes.  There are a many great things in my life and there are a many great things to look forward to with a new baby coming whom I am going to love and who is going to be a wonderful addition to our family.  Each child is different in their own way.  I'm not going to have the child that I want them to be no matter what gender of child I get.  My job is to love them and nourish them and help them learn and grow and learn and develop who they are.  

Now I just have to find some new dreams.  Good bye old dreams and hello new dreams.  Can't wait to meet my new baby girl!

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  Prayers that feel unanswered are only answered in a way that we can't see now.

2.)  Dream big, try hard, fail hard, dream again, try again, fail again and keep going.

3.)  Don't hold on to pride, admit disappointment.  

4.) Don't let lost dreams create anger, let go and make new dreams.  (they may not be as bad as they seem :)

5.)  Give thanks for what I have been given!

Happy Thanksgiving All!!!

Photo By Tenika

Let thy heart be full of thanks

"When thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God." Alma 37:37

 One of the worst and hardest things for me to do is to wake up in the morning. But I can tell that I'm doing good Emotionally when I can wake up in the morning with some kind of excitement about the day. I love that scripture it's a good reminder that A little hope faith and gratitude helps make you happy. God gives me those things and I have really been loving getting up and being ready for some good in the day!

 Lessons in progress:
1.) Thank the Lord
2.) anticipate good
3.) Believe that you're worth it
4.) just do it and it affects your whole day for good

What Do I Really Want?

I still Haven't quite figured this one out for myself yet...Any help with this one would be great?!?

The Question is...

Why can't I change some behaviors that I really do not like about myself? i.e. yelling at others when I'm angry or not saying what I want nicely or going to bed early and rising early etc.

When I change my behavior I'm not getting what I want. Is that why I can't change those behaviors? Am I afraid that I won't get what I want am I afraid to change, be vulnerable, or admit I'm doing something wrong?

So when I get angry it's usually because I am not getting what I want. I realize that I cannot always have what I want. Is what I want unreasonable? Do I need to make a change in the way I think about what I want?

For instance one circumstance would be I'm angry when I want to do something for myself and then I am not able to because someone else needs me which is equally important to me. Maybe I am torn between helping myself and helping someone and then intern angry with myself if I want to help myself because I know that what I really want in this life is to help and inspire others. But can I fully do this is if do not also help myself?

Okay one thing I have come up with is to try and slow my thinking down a bit and ask myself in each situation, "What do I really want?" If I really want to help someone else then I will happily stop what I am doing and help if I really am spent and can't do more than what I am doing I will do something for myself. And then maybe I won't be torn and I can feel happy helping and I can feel happy doing something for myself too instead of guilty and angry. If when I ask myself this question and what I really want goes with my values then I know I am on the right track. Then maybe it will be easier to change some behaviors I'm not so happy with and be able to enjoy the things that I ultimately choose to do.

A list of values that I can refer to: (From Young Women's.)
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity
Honesty
Virtue


Lessons in Progress:

1) Maybe what I want conflicts sometimes so it is unreasonable because I can't have it all, all the time. So I need to choose one or the other instead.

2.) Ask myself, "What do I really want?"

3.) Be honest when telling myself what I really want and need.

To Love

It's amazing the difference it makes in behavior, outlook, self-esteem, and happiness when you decide it's okay to love yourself and allow others to love you.

Daily Mistakes...

Each and everyday is filled with both a jar half empty or full and even if it's leaning toward one way or the other you can always find the good, that is the glory in opposition in all things. No matter what we can find good in it. I feel like I can be grateful and find all of those good things but when it comes to me making a mistake I have the hardest time getting past it. I hate it, absolutely hate making mistakes. I am a fairly capable and knowledgeable person and I am able to make good and correct choices most of the time. But the reality is that it is impossible to do it 100% of the time. So inevitably I make mistakes pretty much daily. One mistake takes my Jar full of water no matter what level of fullness or emptiness it is at and it drops a big black drop of food coloring in it and turns the whole thing black murky and miserable. I have come to realize recently that the big black drop of die that perverts my clean water is telling me that because I am not perfect I am no longer worthy of being loved. And because I feel like I am no longer able to be loved I push away those around me that I do love because, "How could people like or enjoy me or love me if I make mistakes, if I'm not perfect, if I don't live up to what they need or want from me." These thoughts and feelings would bring me down and make life miserable making me more inclined to make even more mistakes then the first that was most likely a very innocent mistake. It would become a very vicious cycle for me.

Turning Points...
I remember a story of when I was in Junior High School and I was sleeping over at a friends house who lived a couple blocks away. And we were up late giggling and having a ball it was past midnight and into the early morning and I started to feel sick and I couldn't sleep and my friend, who, by the way, was a hypochondriac, suggested very strongly that she thought I should go home to sleep and be with my family. I agreed and walked home in the dark cold and I got to my house and realized that I did not have a house key I knocked quietly on the front door but not enough for anyone to hear while they slept. And instead of bothering anyone or inconveniencing anyone I would have rather sleep on the front porch in the cold without a coat or blanket and with the flu. As I was thinking about this memory I thought, "What if that was my daughter cold and sick out on the front porch I would have been so sad and would have wanted to reach out to her and love her and take care of her even if it was 2 or 3 in the morning." And it occurred to me that I was worth it too. That it was okay for me to bother someone or need something and that it was okay for me to love myself enough to knock a bit louder or to ring the doorbell or go knock on my parents window, that I was worth it.

The greatest love and example of love that I know is from my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so truly grateful that I have been able to feel of his love and that I have been able to have others bless me from their love and concern to help show me that I am worth it that I am loved even when I don't get everything right. In Mark Chapter 12 versus 30 and 31 Jesus talks about the greatest commandment and that it is to "^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy ^cstrength" and that the second greatest is like it "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I truly believe that loving our selves is included in this and that in order for us to fully love like we need to we must first love ourselves, mistakes and all. As I put my trust in the lord and in his love for me I know that I can change and that I can have my thoughts turn to him and to love instead of feelings of despair and hopelessness. For I know that he loves me enough to care about my tears and my anguish and I am truly grateful for him. Through him my best is good enough and he can make up the difference and he continues to care and love despite my weakness and imperfections. People do have limitations and do make mistakes and therefore I can forgive those who have not loved me when I have faltered and failed and will love myself instead and continue to do my best daily.

Lessons in Progress:

1) Love yourself

2) Love Others

3) Don't let negative thoughts get us down instead turn our thoughts to the Lord and his love and trust in him.

Time is Relative

There is only a certain amount of time in everyday! I can only do so much. I like to plan and get things done and accomplish a lot. I even love the time that I have planned to be spontaneous with the kids :). I feel very successful when I am able to accomplish my days plan and when I can get everything done in the times that I thought I would get them done. I get an "Ahhhh" feeling and then I even enjoy a little break.On the other hand, there are those days when you don't get to cross off all of the tasks and to do's on your days plan and those days make me cringe, grouchy, angry, and disappointed. Man those days are a pain in the rear, everyone has them. I have been having a lot of those days lately especially when it comes to things that you need to get done that involve help from someone else. It's not that I feel like people have to cater to my every whim the minute I want them to, it's just, you know, my plan and my idea of a timeline that something needs to be done and if I worked hard all day on trying to get something done that cannot be finished because I need someone else to help I feel helpless and like a failure. The next thing that gets in the way is stuff. And what I mean by stuff is all those unexpected events that happen everyday that you have no way of planning for or controlling...like for instance when the washer decides it doesn't want to shut off and pours tons of water all over the floor and in every nook and cranny of the house. Or when your daughter spills her juice all over the floor or when you have a friend that needs your help, or when someone calls and wants you to do annoying paperwork. The list goes on and on, and when I am attending to those events rather than my plan my mind goes, "Lindsay you are sooooo lazy, and oh my goodness look at all of those tasks on your list that did not get done, you are not a good person, you are a failure." I guess thinking those kinds of thoughts would make a person grouchy, annoyed, and angry.

So, what's a person to do with this. Well get rid of those thoughts because they simple aren't true! Let's get real with ourselves and our life. If I simply could not finish something because of events that were outside of my control that does not mean that I am lazy, and it does not mean that my efforts weren't successful. Even though events do not turn out the way that we plan and the way we have worked for them to turn out it doesn't give our work any less meaning. In terms of unexpected events happening during the day. I have to remember that I choose to handle the spilled juice first and I choose to help someone first and I choose to clean up water all over the house first and choosing to do those things first means that I 'm choosing them as a priority over something that was on my to do list. So I feel like those things are important and I am doing them because I want to not because I have to and if I choose to do those unexpected happenings rather than feel like I have to do them because "the outside universe made me do it!" I will be happier and more joyful about doing them and I won't feel like I'm letting more important list items go by the wayside and therefore I can feel successful about my day.

Time is relative and it does keep going there will be more time to do those tasks on my plan and if a deadline ends you don't, you keep going and the things that are most important can keep getting done when the time is right. I hate those items at the bottom of my to do list that keep getting put at the bottom of the to do list. But I have to remember that they are there for a reason, something more important and time sensitive is happening that needs to happen now. Like my family practitioner reminded me when I was getting a mole removed, you will either have a mole here or a scar. And that's the way it is with our lists. We will always have something at the bottom of our list weather it is something new or something from last year. We decide what goes there and we decide when it gets to move up the list. We choose how we spend our time so there is no sense in getting angry or upset or blaming someone or the universe for things that you "have to do or can't do."

Lessons in Progress:

1.) Make a plan and make a to do list.

2.) Those things on my list that I want to get done may have to changed to accommodate more important events.

3.) When I do have to change it does not mean that I have failed, it just means that I had more important things to do.

4.) When I cannot control what others do or the outcome of my work I remember that my work is still worth what I put into it and that makes me successful.

5.) I choose what to do with my time nothing or no one makes me do it.

6.) Stop telling lies about myself that simply aren't true, they only make me angry and less capable of handling problems.

7.)Time keeps on going, I will have more time another day!

Once a Day

I've made a new resolve to do things necessary for my spiritual and mental health at least once a day. Here is the list...



1.) Prayer
2.) Read the Scriptures
3.) Read Something Inspirational
4.) Write About it
5.) Think about all the things I'm grateful for and the things that went well for the day
6.) Exercise
7.) Breath
8.) Time for me

The list may seem long but most of these things do not have to last long. If I haven't done my once a day at least once a day I do it before I go to sleep. A mini goal list for the day. I try to get them done in the morning so that my day starts out successful along with a couple of other to do's will make for a positive day because I've already succeded for the day and if I don't get them done I know that I will before I go to bed so I don't worry about it. I just do my best!

Hope Gets You Through It.

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things that just feel like they are never going to happen and the more I work for them the farther away they seem.

My Garden...

I worked really hard on planting seeds and watering and weeding and planning and it was a lot of work to get my garden growing I was already a bit disappointed that some of the seeds weren't growing but I had a lot growing and they were coming strong and they were about to grow flowers, and then my husband came by with the weed spray and killed half of my flowers. I was so disappointed and I lost hope and I didn't even care about the ones that were still there I stopped weeding it and I was just so upset about all the things that were killed.

Instead of seeing all the good that was still there all I could see was the setbacks instead of working with what I had I was about to have nothing. So I picked myself bakc up and had hope that I would still have half of a garden and I started weeding it again and sure enough I have some beautiful flowers.

It's a lot like how I've been feeling like my progress with life. I work really hard at something and then I just seem to fall and I forget that falling down doesn't undo all of the progress I've made unless the fall makes me quite trying. I have to have hope that things will get better so I can keep trying so that I can endure the falls and get back up and enjoy the things that get me to where I want to be.

Lessons in Progress...

#1 Falling down doesn't mean that you've failed it just means that you have to get up and keep going.

#2 Hope is the light to help you get through it, hope for things that aren't but can be and will be if you keep trying.

#3 Even though half of it is bad the other half is good.

Live and Learn.

As much as I want to be right always and as much as I want to be perfect and as much as I want to get it right the first time it's not possible even if I pretend it to be that way. I hate being wrong and what's worse I hate to admit it. I also hate messing up, I have a really hard time letting it go and just learning from it and moving it past me.

I'm Wrong Sometimes...

The other day I was having an argument with my husband and as much as I was partly wrong I just couldn't admit it because even though I was mostly wrong in that moment I had a reason to be upset. So I went on with the argument thinking that I was telling him that I was partly wrong but apparently I wasn't saying it clearly enough. Saying, I understand how you are feeling isn't an admission of fault? :) Anyway, I said, "I said I was wrong there." My Husband replied, "Wait what...you did not say that." So I guess I didn't say it in so many words and when I finally said it the conversation went a lot smoother and we were able to work it out. I just hate being wrong but I guess I can't be right all the time.

Also, today at church, I teach Sunday School, I felt like I had a problem and I didn't deal with it properly and I'm struggling getting it out of my thoughts because the solution is so simple how could I not have seen it or done it at the time. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that I'm not perfect and make mistakes and you know what If I don't I'm not going to be able to look at this situation and say hey I did messed up instead of making up a reason why I did it right because we all know that it wasn't. So now I can think about the solution and change it for next time. You know what it is really awesome admitting your faults and admitting when you mess up because if you don't you can't learn from the experience. whew, okay I'm glad I can say it now. I'm wrong a lot in fact probably most of the day. :) I guess that's what will make me a better person.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't get caught up in trying to be perfect. If you do you will talk yourself into thinking that everything that you do is right for some reason or another and you can't learn or grow that way.

2.) Don't beat yourself up over it. Even if the solution seems simple, it's sometimes hard to see the solution when your in the moment. Stepping back and taking a look at it will help you to see things more clearly (Supposing that you don't think that your perfect) and find a better solution so that when your faced with a similar solution in the future you will know what to do.

3.) Let it go, Admitting your fault is the first step, finding the learning experience is the next and not fearing the next time you'll encounter the situation because you know what to do this time so you can live your life and quit the fear/worry. (I know easier said then done.)

Respect Yourself.

I think once you start respecting yourself and saying what you feel and knowing that you are important enough to do those things others around you can respect you and they notice that they can't walk on you.

People Pleasing...

Me being a People Pleaser I've had a really hard time saying how I feel or doing what I need to do especially if it conflicts with how someone else feels. It is really a negative thing for my self confidence and my self concept even. I had an experience where I just said how I felt even though a friend of mine was saying something different. Because I'm not always this way she seemed shocked but really afterwords I felt more respect. If we do not respect ourselves other don't either.

This has really turned into a positive thing for me. I feel like I can make this weakness of mine into a positive thing. I still want to please people but instead of giving up myself identity to do I speak my peace in a kind way that would not be intended to hurt someone, and explain myself if necessary. But also because I like to please others it brings many good qualities. Like being a good friend and listener, and being willing to help when others need you. These are positive things that I can embrace about myself and throw out the part where I lose myself in it. The balance needs to be there.

I have really been doing my breathing twice a day and thinking positive thoughts and I have been not only recognizing the times that I do mess up but also making efforts to change them. This is giving me more confidence to say what I think and have more confidence in my choices.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: I need to give myself enough respect to say what I feel and give myself the time that I need so that I'm not always giving so that I can also give to myself.

#2: Embrace myself even the weaknesses because they can only make me stronger.

#3: Constantly worrying about what others think about me and how they might react if I disagree is a waste of time and energy it's also counterproductive and unnecessary, and mostly it causes a lot of anxiety.

#4: The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have to change what I am thinking and my actions if I expect to recover from anxiety.

#5: Don't forget my breathing and meditation in the morning it grounds me and is helping me change my thinking and behavior and therefore easing the Anxiety.

Think Before You Speak.

Often times I just say what I'm thinking and don't really think about how others will interpret it until after and then I just replay it over and over again. And sometimes I really do hurt people and I say something I haven't thought through yet or didn't really mean. And then I spend forever thinking about it and interpreting anything somebody else says through it, and even after I talked to the person about it I still feel bad about it. It's Exhausting.

Misinterpretation:

This week my husband thought I was trying to say I wanted to split and I felt terrible about the whole thing and he's over it and I torment myself. All I was trying to do was explore myself and why I act the way I do sometimes. Anyway, we're all good and I just feel like I want to keep my mouth shut.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I could reverse this a little and think before I speak instead of torture myself after I would be a lot less anxious.

#2 Realize that everyone says things that they don't want to sometimes so they are understanding and willing to forgive.

Go Down the Path Less Traveled.

Sometimes the path less traveled is the path that we need to take. It's scary and we haven't been down it much so it isn't easy but the more we go down the path the easier it gets. I read an article by Bruce K Fordham in the Ensign about how we think and how we can change it and it really helped me to visualize our brains and to give me hope that if I keep practicing and if I keep trying to change my negative thoughts into good thoughts that it will get easier. It's called Think About what you are Thinking about. Check it out it is a good one.

House...

One of the biggest things that has affected me lately is the fact that the only way for me to fix something is for me to be honest about it. We wanted to buy a house recently but finally had to accept the fact that it really would be better for us to wait to buy until we can save some more money and be more prepared. It was really hard because we loved the house and we really wanted it and we had to tell some friends that we wouldn't be buying their home which is a whole other hard thing for me and we had to realize that we aren't going to buy our own home for awhile. That was really hard to accept and to admit and I still am kind of sad about the house but I feel better that we did what we needed to do but I am emotionally drained today. But if I wasn't honest with myself and others I would put myself in a situation where I didn't want to have feelings at all anymore and I would stop thinking and feeling and just let life make choices for me instead and me make the choices. It was hard and it's something that I'm not used to doing.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I keep making my own choices and thinking for myself it will get easier and I will gain more confidence.

#2 The truth is the only way to set yourself free.

#3 Changing what we do and how we think takes a lot of work and time but it can become the path well traveled.

Stop and Think.

Positive Choices are in my definition choices that we make that are good. What makes a choice good or bad. We do. I am reminded of something that I was once told and that is "Happiness is a choice." In every choice we make we can reprimand ourselves or we can accept the reason we had to make the choice or we can change the choice if necessary. How can I tell if the choice is right for me or not. First, I have to decide what my values are. For instance, I value my Family Relationships, Honesty, Hard work, Integrity, Education, Service, Cleanliness, Order, and a well Balanced Life in diet and exercise and time and money management. These are the values in which I must base my choices. If I am angry with myself for sleeping in, which I often am, I have to make the choice positive. I am sleeping in because I was up all night with the kids who needed me and now I need more sleep so I can be alert today to take care of them. Which supports my Value of Family Relationships. I talked about the Paradigm as a map in my last post my values give me the map in which I can feel good about the choices that I make. I have started getting myself in the habit of rethinking the why to my choices. When I feel myself get down on myself or getting Anxious I can stop and ask myself why.

Just ask Why?...

I hate it when someone moves my decorations or doesn't but things back where I had them or in the right order. And that happens a lot because first of all people aren't mind readers and they do not know exactly where I had things. The other reason this happens is because I am so particular a half an inch or rotation I not only notice but makes me nuts until I fix it and I can't think about anything else until it is fixed. And in a house full of kids you can just forget it. So I started a peace shelf to help have one spot that is up high that no one is allowed to bother. I can look there and feel like there is order somewhere. Also, I have to stop and think. One day I looked over at a picture frame on the end table and it was turned differently then the way that I had it. I started feeling myself getting anxious about and it was driving me nuts and I was trying to relax and watch TV but I couldn't because all I was thinking was that I needed to get up and fix that picture frame. Then I stopped and said to myself, "Why? Why does that picture frame need to be moved?" The answer was simply that I liked it the other way and I thought that it looked better the other way. Thinking that alone let me just release some of the stress and then I thought it looks okay that way too and I think it's cute that the girls like to decorate and I can let it go. The house was still clean and in order it just wasn't done my way and that is okay, it fit within my values the way it was. I was able to rest my mind and body and be happy with leaving it that way. The choice was to leave it that way because I had just spent thirty minutes cleaning and it was not necessary to clean more and even though I was anxious about it at first I answered the why and could be happy with that choice.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Never accept that because I feel upset or anxious means that that is just the way it is. Changing the way we think changes the way we feel.

#2: If I stop and rethink things I can change negative thinking into positive thinking and be happy with my choices.

Is it Good or Bad.

So I tend to think and think and think situations over and over and over in my head and I can't sleep and I can't function properly because I'm stressing about it. One of the things that I tend to run over in my head is conversations that I have had with people. They are usually conversations in which I am feeling like others have percieved me in a negative way.

To Help or not to Help...

So I was getting into my car after leaving a stressfull experience at the park with my kids and someone I knew stopped to ask if I had a nipple shield and if they could have it for their cousin who just had a baby and they were having trouble brestfeeding. Now I am an advocate for breastfeeding but I really didn't know what to say at the moment because I wasn't sure if I still had it and I also didn't know if I really wanted to give it up so I went on rambling all these type of thoughts to her several times and I was also telling her that someone else we knew I thought that she had a couple of them and to try and call her first. Then later I talked to my friend and she said that they had said that I didn't want to give them my nipple sheild and I was feeling really stressed that these people thought that I wasn't willing to help or that I was selfish and that I should have said it differently when I was talking to her and I just couldn't stop thinking about it and I worried the bad impression that I left.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: I could first think about the conversation and think of a better way to aproach the situation and realize that I made a mistake and that I will do better next time. Everyone makes mistakes and has weird conversations sometime.

#2: I have to realize that in every situation everyone will interpret it differently and I can't predict it and I can't control it all I can do is make the best choice I can for me. Then because I know that I made the best choice I could even if someone thinks a negative thought about me it doesn't mean that I am mean it just means that there is another interpretation for it. I have to choose to think of it in a positive way.

#3: The conflict was not with someone else but it was with me.

you have to Change.

In order for my life to change and for me to change I have to change and I have to do something different. I think bad things about myself and I do have low self-esteem. I have been struggling with this pretty much my whole life. I love my dad and I am not blaming my dad for the way that I am but I am just saying that this may be the reason that I do think bad things about myself is because my dad used to call me bad names and yell at me a lot. A couple of the things that he really got upset about was going to bed and getting up in the morning. I started my day off thinking bad thoughts about myself and believing them the rest of the day. This happened for a long time. Now I believe that it is going to take me a long time to change it. But in order to change it I have to actively do something to change it. So I've started thinking good thoughts about myself and doing my breathing every morning and night and I'm already starting to see changes in the way I think others percieve me and in the way I treat my behaviors and being more confident in myself and my actions. I have also struggled a lot with going to sleep and getting myself up in the morning and I find it a lot easier to do when I'm thinking good things about myself.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: You can't expect something to change if you do not do something to change it.

#2: Changing the way you think is hard and it takes a lot of time to change. Especially when it's taken a lot of time to set up the way you think.

#3: Thinking good things about yourself can literally make you a better person. The power of the mind is unmeasurable.

Coming Home.

After work or a meeting or spending time with friends and then coming home to the house is a stressful time for me. Usually It's when my husband is home with the kids and I come home and there is a mess aroung the house and the kids need to be fed and they are just hanging out enjoying the day.

So today I came home...

and Everyone was just hanging out and there were shoes and mess all over and the baby started to cry and the kids needed to be fed. And I just started being a big grouch. I was like seriously why does my husband get to just hang out and have fun with the kids and then I have to come home and do all the work. Then my grouchiness didn't make anything better, thank goodness my husband doesn't depend on his mood from mine and he kept up beat and I was able to come out of it and I also had to change my thinking and this is what I had to replace the bad thinking with...

Lessons in Progress..

#1: Remember that last night when I came home from work dinner was made the kids were eating and then my husband even did the dishes. I am not always the victim.

#2: My husband chooses to have fun and I do not.

#3: I clean up twice a day and if messes weren't made I wouldn't have anything to clean up during that time. If I was the only person who lived in the house I could maintain a certain level of cleanliness but since I am not I will accept mess and clean up twice a day. Plus I do have a shelf that is mine and only mine that no one is allowed to touch and it is in order 24/7 so I can let go of some things and let people actually live in the house. :)My "Peace Shelf," where I look when the rest of the house is in array.

The mess that was on the kitchen table.The mess that the kids are having fun with and enjoying.