Sunday, March 28, 2010

Make a Game Plan.

Last Sunday I went into church with no game plan at all I was completely ill prepared mentally and it showed the whole day. Not only because I was grouchy but I was frantic. My husband works shifts and so he has to work Sundays and on those Sunday's I dread it. Today however, I prepared for it. I knew last week went so bad and I could feel myself starting to get really anxious about this week as well. So I set myself down and thought well what is stressful about this and what could make it better. So I thought out the morning in my head and decided the best order for things to be done and also came up with a plan B in case plan A didn't pan out because let's face it if you've got young kids Plan A and B don't always go so I also had to be prepared that either of these might not work out and be okay with that to and that I'm not super woman just a woman and things will get done when they get done and eventually how they get done.

I got to church and things did go pretty much as envisioned on my part anyway. Good thing I didn't envision the kids because that really is unpredictable. But really the best part of it was that I slept the night before, I didn't feel stressed getting there because I had a plan and I also knew what else would happen if it didn't get done and I could just enjoy church. I was able to let it go from my stress and thoughts.

Lessons in progress:

#1: Visualize. When you know you are about to face something that is stressful. Create it first in your brain, have a plan and figure the best way to do it.

#2: Realize that things may not go as you envision them but that it is also not going to be the end of the world if it doesn't even get done at all, life goes on, people don't usually judge us as hard as we do and if they do the don't understand you and they do not understand your value and your choice.

#3: Do some breathing, venting (I like to write), and then say to yourself I am a smart person and I am capable of doing this.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm too hard on myself.

Sometimes when we are having a bad day it's simply that we are not mad at others but that we are mad at ourselves.

I was mad at myself and because I was mad at myself, for not feeling something that I felt like I should, I kept getting mad at everything and everyone. I finally sat down and wrote it all out and figured out what was bothering me and I did feel better. But I did also feel even worse when I was getting mad at everyone. I was being really hard on myself and therefore feeling really bad and therefore not being able to be nice and therefore feeling bad about that too and the vicious cycle was on.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: The first thing that could have helped. Was to stop and figure out what was bothering me and why and how could I fix it earlier during in the day.

#2: Accept reality, understand that because that's the way I feel there must be a reason why and that helps understand the current reality. It's not good to try to force feelings that you aren't having so accept how you are feeling and why that might be.

#3: Knowing and understanding that that is just the way things are and I can't change it helps me to not be as hard on myself because I can stop saying I should feel this way and I can say but I do feel this way and it's okay because that is just the way I feel.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just do it.

Today was one of those days were I was so overwhelmed emotionally that I really just didn't want to do anything. And really that isn't all true either the morning part of the day went pretty well. But then my friend also got involved in this insurance problem and then I wanted to call my Aunt to ask for her advice but I'm nervous because I just feel really stupid about it. But then also my mom called and her breast cancer might be back and then the baby wouldn't sleep and I needed a minute to deal with all my feelings because I was getting my heache nasea and dizzy spell. My body couldn't stand up let alone take care of my babies to the best I could so I kind of lost it and then they went to sleep and I just sat and watched TV. I tried to write and vent and then my sister called and I vented to her about a syrup incident this morning.

I made waffles and Ice cream for my daughters birthday this morning I hope this tradition catches on a bit more. Anyway my Husband was getting the syrup and he combined one syrup with the other one which would have made since if the one bottle was smaller but it was big too and it only had a little bit left in it and all he had to do was to use it and then throw that bottle away that I have been wanting to throw away for a very long time and I didn't want to put all the syrup back because know it's all mixed and germy and gross. Anyway I know silly but it made me very angry because I didn't like any of the options for fixing it. (Things would work out if I just did it though and not worries so much about germs from one syrup to the other but it really bothered me.)

It was really nice just to talke to my sister and then a friend called and invited me to Zumba tonight too and I just did it even though I didn't really feel like it and it ended up being really nice. Plus it was exercise which is also a good release of Anxiety.

Lessons in progress:

#1: Deal and Vent before I just watch TV so I can just relax.

#2: I need people. I need to have somebody to talk to about things and help me put things in more of a perspective. And others are usually going through or can understand what I'm going through so it's nice to share with others. I just need to do it and quit being so guarded.

#3: Exercise and friends are also a good way to help release stress and if I just get myself going it's worth it. Ask myself the question, "which choice is more important and what goes better with my values? Sit at home and watch more TV or do something?" Do something usually seems to make me feel better.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Speak my peace.

I was having a problem with an insurance company I was working with. I just felt the whole time that my agent was witholding information and that I wasn't getting all the information and then I found out that I had two other indemnity policies which I thought I only had one policy and then she finally got me all the paperwork and she had signed my name on papers to sign me up for these policies. And I was really angry and felt like I had been cheated and lied to and very angry. But more than angry about it I was very nervous to talk to the lady and customer service about the situation. I even tried talking myself into that this wasn't a big deal just so that I wouldn't have to talk to someone about such an outrageous contentious topic. I finally got the nerve after three nights of practice and the first time I talked to her she did deny and then I got the papers and knew that I was right and I called canceled my policy and told her why and the truth and it was very freeing to be able to say the truth even if it wasn't flattering and it was very hard to say.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: I'm important and I matter and if someone has done something to wrong me I have the right to do and say something about it.

#2: There is a right way to address conflict and I can do it in a calm professional way and I can have confidence and control of myself when I do it.

#3: People do listen when I speak.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Breathing Works.

I have been frustrated with the amount of frustration I have been feeling lately and that of course makes me more frustrated and I was having a horrible no good very bad day. And I think it was when the burner on my dinner mysteriously turned of and I had to re-cook my 20 min. dinner again and the baby was crying and the other kids were ready to eat and I had everything else cooked and ready to go and I went into panic attack mode. Crying, screaming, and throwing a fit and feeling like I've lost control of myself. So I removed myself from the room to my bedroom and let myself be mad about it and then I started to Breath. I do have to admit that the deep breathing works well and I also think that it worked well because I have been practicing my breathing for the past month morning and night. I used to think I don't need to learn how to breath "I know how to breath" but it really does help to breath in and I held it for 5 seconds and let it out and then consciously figured out what was going on and could see the situation more objectively. I was mad but I was okay and I was safe. So that's what I told myself while I was breathing and I calmed down and felt better about it. Unfortunately though I returned and felt more panic over the situation and had to remove myself and breath again and work through it all over again. It's days like these especially when I am really being proactive and getting things accomplished and doing and planning fun activities with the kids and then I loss it still and still everything seems to go wrong.

Lessons in Progress..

#1) Things just go wrong that is just life. It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong. It doesn't mean that I am wrong or bad.

#2) I'm going to have bad days no matter how much progress I make and I might have to do my breathing exercises all day long.

#3) I'm never there, I'm always working on it. Once I stop working on it I go back to worse.

#4) I need to accept my feelings, accept the current reality, and stop thinking bad and unrealistic things about life or myself.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


So today I have been a total basket case. I've been angry at silly things and I've been not feeling like doing anything and just wanting to be lazy. Until late in the night when we were coming home from the Young Women's Fundraiser Chili Dinner which I almost didn't go to because my Husband was at work and I didn't know if I wanted to brave it with the three little ones on my own but I did anyway and it was nice. The Young Women sang some really nice songs, one in particular hit me just right. She sang about how she came to this earth to let her light shine and that she was meant to do a special purpose. And I realized that I was meant to fulfill a special purpose too and I can't just be lazy and think that I am going to fulfill my responsibilities or even be happy in living them when all I want to do is nothing.

Drive Home...

During my drive home a really good song came on the radio. And I decided that I didn't care what my husband or any other adult thought I was going to blare that song and sing it and jam. And it was a blast. (My husband hates it when I turn the music up loud oh and roll the window down too.) I just loved it. I had so much fun singing that song I just felt so happy just enjoying being myself and doing what felt good. I miss music. Since I started teaching dance and choreographing dances music hasn't been as much fun to me because it's been more about work then entertainment. I miss it.

My mini van that I was jamming out in. Which by the way is the best thing ever if you have young kids. I do love my mini van.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: Music can evoke emotion. Good or bad. I need to listen to more uplifting music and more often.

#2: Do something that I enjoy. And really enjoy it. I am the master of finding the bad in all things and I have a really hard time enjoying things and I also find it hard for me to always do the things that I enjoy. I need to make the time to do something that I love to do everyday. And I don't do that. For one I don't really love love anything. So, maybe I need to find that something. The music was a really fun thing...maybe I could do that.

#3: Don't worry about what others think about me as long as I'm not hurting anyone and I'm happy and being myself and enjoying myself what others think really doesn't matter.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Coming Home.

After work or a meeting or spending time with friends and then coming home to the house is a stressful time for me. Usually It's when my husband is home with the kids and I come home and there is a mess aroung the house and the kids need to be fed and they are just hanging out enjoying the day.

So today I came home...

and Everyone was just hanging out and there were shoes and mess all over and the baby started to cry and the kids needed to be fed. And I just started being a big grouch. I was like seriously why does my husband get to just hang out and have fun with the kids and then I have to come home and do all the work. Then my grouchiness didn't make anything better, thank goodness my husband doesn't depend on his mood from mine and he kept up beat and I was able to come out of it and I also had to change my thinking and this is what I had to replace the bad thinking with...

Lessons in Progress..

#1: Remember that last night when I came home from work dinner was made the kids were eating and then my husband even did the dishes. I am not always the victim.

#2: My husband chooses to have fun and I do not.

#3: I clean up twice a day and if messes weren't made I wouldn't have anything to clean up during that time. If I was the only person who lived in the house I could maintain a certain level of cleanliness but since I am not I will accept mess and clean up twice a day. Plus I do have a shelf that is mine and only mine that no one is allowed to touch and it is in order 24/7 so I can let go of some things and let people actually live in the house. :)My "Peace Shelf," where I look when the rest of the house is in array.
The mess that was on the kitchen table.The mess that the kids are having fun with and enjoying.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I can make anything stressful.

It has been pretty evident lately that I don't really enjoy doing much or anything.

Dance Class...
I teach two dance classes on Mondays. And I really hate getting ready to go to them but once I'm there I enjoy it. Last week did not go very well so I was feeling bummed about that. I've been late starting class the last two weeks and I got a complaint about it. Whenever I have to say anything negative or anything that could potentially be confrontational I cringe, take a deep breath, and hope that it doesn't come out wrong. I can't say that it always comes out right. I had to ask one of the moms to wait before they got their kids dressed until after break time so that my little kids could go to the bathroom during break time if they needed too. And then my older class was very chatty and not paying attention so I had to be mean. Anyway, just because I had one bad day I was feeling like I didn't want to do it anymore.

So today during dance class it went really well and I really did have a lot of fun teaching and enjoying the kids. I just was myself and just went with the flow and didn't worry and just enjoyed myself. What a relief to change my thinking from last week. But it is hard to do.

The easiest and simplest games, CandyLand, and I can't play it. I can't play it not because I don't understand it but because it stresses me out. I worry about the kids playing it right and that they don't understand it all at once and that my one year old keeps messing up the cards and the pieces on the board. So before I do lose it I stop the game. Who knew that a simple game of candyland could stress a person out. Really, Why does this stress me out?

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Things do not have to be perfect. I just need to enjoy what I have and have fun with my kids and my work and my life.

#2: Life is not all bad but mostly good. Just because one bad thing happens doesn't mean that everything is bad.

#3: Happiness is a Choice. My Choice.