Wednesday, October 20, 2010


My anxiety is sometimes caused by my outrageous expectations.

I have too high of expectations for what can actually be achieved either realistically or physically or timing and it sucks. It causes me a lot of anxiety.
My husband works shifts, four days of twelve hours and then four days off. Well, on his four days off we get so much done plus I enjoy my kids and I'm just loving life. Well, on his four days on he works eight to eight so he's pretty much gone the whole time the girls are awake and it's a pretty long day for me. Not to mention that my expectations are set at overload from the days that he has just had off so I am working full power trying to get everything done that I have on my list. Which is just as long as the list that I had on his days off by the way. And I am just so frustrated and overspent and mad at myself for not acheiving more by the end of the day.
What I forgot to change was my expectations of what I was going to get done that day. I forget that my time is doubled when my husband is home so my list should be cut in have when he's at work and then I could enjoy the day but also have a realistic expectation of what I could get done.

Lessons in Progress...
1.) Don't expect miracles expect progress. However, I do believe in miracles I just think that expecting them on a regular basis sets you up to be hurting and disappointed.
2.) A change in expectation is a change in attitude.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Trials Make us Stronger.

At this point I'm not saying this because I'm at the point where the trial has made me stronger but I'm saying it because I hope it does make me stronger after I'm done with this doozy, I guess I'm never done at all anyway but when it gets to the point where it goes a bit easier. Though I suppose it will only be to prepare myself for the next doozy in which case I'm hoping I'll be stronger and a lot more apt to handle it.
I don't have enough time or energy to go into detail about this doozy soooooo...
Lessons in progress...
1.) Believe in Good will, people are usually trying to do what's best and not trying to put you down.
2.) When people mess up you have to forgive or else your stuck with the burden.
3.) Do your best with the situation you are given. Realize what you can control and what you can't and work on those things that you do control.
4.) Time to process and work through things is key don't expect immediate fixes for problems and don't feel pressure in making choices right away when you don't have all the information yet.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Find the Learning Experience

Although I understand that there can be good to every experience it isn't always easy to find. Often times the worst experiences that we have are really learning experiences and that's how we can make them positive and work for us in the future.

My Life right now...

is full of some of those worst moments that you just know aren't going to get better unless you just face it and fix it. While I was sitting here trying to decide what to write I couldn't decide so I counted 10 different things, on my fingers thank goodness I didn't have anymore things or I would have ran out of fingers. And they are really hard things, things that just can't fix themselves out easily. I'm glad that I have decided to face them and fix them instead of hide them inside of me.

I'm really sad that I lost my grandpa a couple weeks ago. It's really hard to loose someone you love and have such good memories with but at the same time he was suffering and I'm glad that he doesn't have to anymore. I'm glad that I know that he's in a better place with my Heveanly Father right now.

I don't know what it is about bad things in life but it seems like they all catch you at once. I feel like I've been out of order for quite a while now. At first I kept trying to push all my feelings away and disregard them and I was having a lot of anxiety over it much like how I used to do things. Then I realized that I had to accept my feelings and accept how things really are and what I really wanted in life and that I would be okay in the end no matter what happened as long as I was honest with myself. And I've been really sad but at least now I can say I'm going to learn something from this even though it really hurts.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: When you fear something that you think is so terrible you can't confront it and you can't be confident in your choices and feelings. So let go of the fear and face it head on, honestly.

#2: Hiding feeling that you don't want to have only makes it so that you can't have feelings that you do want to have and deserve to have.

#3: Making choices in this life is hard to do and there isn't always an easy answer but if you take some time think about what you really want even if it may be harder you can feel better about yourself and be that much more commited to your choice.

#4: Don't let life just lead you, you lead your life.

#5: Just when you think life is really really bad it's important to remember all the things that are great too, there is always a few somethings.

"I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." - Dr. Seuss

Friday, July 23, 2010

Hope Gets You Through It.

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things that just feel like they are never going to happen and the more I work for them the farther away they seem.

My Garden...

I worked really hard on planting seeds and watering and weeding and planning and it was a lot of work to get my garden growing I was already a bit disappointed that some of the seeds weren't growing but I had a lot growing and they were coming strong and they were about to grow flowers, and then my husband came by with the weed spray and killed half of my flowers. I was so disappointed and I lost hope and I didn't even care about the ones that were still there I stopped weeding it and I was just so upset about all the things that were killed.

Instead of seeing all the good that was still there all I could see was the setbacks instead of working with what I had I was about to have nothing. So I picked myself bakc up and had hope that I would still have half of a garden and I started weeding it again and sure enough I have some beautiful flowers.

It's a lot like how I've been feeling like my progress with life. I work really hard at something and then I just seem to fall and I forget that falling down doesn't undo all of the progress I've made unless the fall makes me quite trying. I have to have hope that things will get better so I can keep trying so that I can endure the falls and get back up and enjoy the things that get me to where I want to be.

Lessons in Progress...

#1 Falling down doesn't mean that you've failed it just means that you have to get up and keep going.

#2 Hope is the light to help you get through it, hope for things that aren't but can be and will be if you keep trying.

#3 Even though half of it is bad the other half is good.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Live and Learn.

As much as I want to be right always and as much as I want to be perfect and as much as I want to get it right the first time it's not possible even if I pretend it to be that way. I hate being wrong and what's worse I hate to admit it. I also hate messing up, I have a really hard time letting it go and just learning from it and moving it past me.

I'm Wrong Sometimes...

The other day I was having an argument with my husband and as much as I was partly wrong I just couldn't admit it because even though I was mostly wrong in that moment I had a reason to be upset. So I went on with the argument thinking that I was telling him that I was partly wrong but apparently I wasn't saying it clearly enough. Saying, I understand how you are feeling isn't an admission of fault? :) Anyway, I said, "I said I was wrong there." My Husband replied, "Wait did not say that." So I guess I didn't say it in so many words and when I finally said it the conversation went a lot smoother and we were able to work it out. I just hate being wrong but I guess I can't be right all the time.

Also, today at church, I teach Sunday School, I felt like I had a problem and I didn't deal with it properly and I'm struggling getting it out of my thoughts because the solution is so simple how could I not have seen it or done it at the time. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that I'm not perfect and make mistakes and you know what If I don't I'm not going to be able to look at this situation and say hey I did messed up instead of making up a reason why I did it right because we all know that it wasn't. So now I can think about the solution and change it for next time. You know what it is really awesome admitting your faults and admitting when you mess up because if you don't you can't learn from the experience. whew, okay I'm glad I can say it now. I'm wrong a lot in fact probably most of the day. :) I guess that's what will make me a better person.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't get caught up in trying to be perfect. If you do you will talk yourself into thinking that everything that you do is right for some reason or another and you can't learn or grow that way.

2.) Don't beat yourself up over it. Even if the solution seems simple, it's sometimes hard to see the solution when your in the moment. Stepping back and taking a look at it will help you to see things more clearly (Supposing that you don't think that your perfect) and find a better solution so that when your faced with a similar solution in the future you will know what to do.

3.) Let it go, Admitting your fault is the first step, finding the learning experience is the next and not fearing the next time you'll encounter the situation because you know what to do this time so you can live your life and quit the fear/worry. (I know easier said then done.)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Bad Days are Inevitable.

I hate it when I'm doing so well and things are going really well and then blech.

Bad Day...

Okay it's been more like two bad days. But I'm just being happy that the good days are starting to far outway the bad ones I think that is probablly normal. I'm very excited to say that I may actually be feeling more normal by the day. I've really had to make a concious effort to get myself to snap out of it and kick myself into gear but I've felt it well worth it.

Since I have started getting my routine into a more regular basis I seem to be getting repricutions from my family. It seems that they prefer me to be giving all of my time to them. And hey I guess if I were used to having mom 24/7 I would need to adjust too. I've been getting questions such as, "Do you have to exercise everyday?" "The kids haven't had breakfast yet?" (Even though it's only 6:45am) I believe that they will just have to get used to the fact that mom has basic needs too. :)

Lessons in Progress...

#1: Stick with it. Remember that I'm going to have bad days everybody does, the problem comes when I can't get myself out of it.

#2: Even if others aren't feeling the same way I do it doesn't mean that they have to and it doesn't mean that I have to change to feel the way they're feeling either. I can be happy with my choices and feelings even if they conflict with how others feel or think. It's better to have them conflict with others and find a way to compromise then to put yours aside and cause inner conflict or anxiety.

#3: Routine and organization help put me on track and keep me on track.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Respect Yourself.

I think once you start respecting yourself and saying what you feel and knowing that you are important enough to do those things others around you can respect you and they notice that they can't walk on you.

People Pleasing...

Me being a People Pleaser I've had a really hard time saying how I feel or doing what I need to do especially if it conflicts with how someone else feels. It is really a negative thing for my self confidence and my self concept even. I had an experience where I just said how I felt even though a friend of mine was saying something different. Because I'm not always this way she seemed shocked but really afterwords I felt more respect. If we do not respect ourselves other don't either.

This has really turned into a positive thing for me. I feel like I can make this weakness of mine into a positive thing. I still want to please people but instead of giving up myself identity to do I speak my peace in a kind way that would not be intended to hurt someone, and explain myself if necessary. But also because I like to please others it brings many good qualities. Like being a good friend and listener, and being willing to help when others need you. These are positive things that I can embrace about myself and throw out the part where I lose myself in it. The balance needs to be there.

I have really been doing my breathing twice a day and thinking positive thoughts and I have been not only recognizing the times that I do mess up but also making efforts to change them. This is giving me more confidence to say what I think and have more confidence in my choices.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: I need to give myself enough respect to say what I feel and give myself the time that I need so that I'm not always giving so that I can also give to myself.

#2: Embrace myself even the weaknesses because they can only make me stronger.

#3: Constantly worrying about what others think about me and how they might react if I disagree is a waste of time and energy it's also counterproductive and unnecessary, and mostly it causes a lot of anxiety.

#4: The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have to change what I am thinking and my actions if I expect to recover from anxiety.

#5: Don't forget my breathing and meditation in the morning it grounds me and is helping me change my thinking and behavior and therefore easing the Anxiety.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

People are who they are.

This theme that I've been learning a lot about lately really has two different meanings for me. One is that I am much happier now that I am accepting myself and my feelings and now that I am learning about who I am and more so, accepting myself. The second part of this is that other people are going to be themselves and weather we think we should have a different relationship with them than what we have, we can not change other people it's best to accept them for them.

Being Me...

I noticed myself accepting things about myself that I don't necessarily see as a good thing but now I know that it's apart of self acceptance. I sometimes hate the fact that I love order and in the past as come off like I'm trying to control. When in fact order is a good thing and cleanliness are good things it's just when it gets to the point of control or overdoing it is when it becomes a problem. I have made many changes these past couple weeks in embracing myself that have changed my outlook and made life a lot better for me. Because I like things clean I had this goal that was unattainable and I just recently made it attainable and I am putting it into action. My past goal of cleaning the whole house once a day and then deep cleaning once a week. Which I have now realized in unrealistic in a perfect "Lindsay World" it would be fabulous but I don't live in that world so my new goal is one chore a day and each day of the week is assigned a chore. Monday- Paperwork
Wednesday-Wash Furniture
Everyday-Planner and Clean Kitchen after meals
This system which I have accepted as acceptable works much much better than the other because I can actually do this one and I don't get overloaded and frustrated and give up most of the time. And my housework actually gets done more efficiently.

Another change I have made is accepting the fact that I love my planner I love having my routine and I love my chore charts for the girls and I love our house rules especially the one where we only eat in the kitchen and I have accepted that even if this is not the norm for all families it is what I want and it is what is working for me. I have also accepted that if I what these things to always work there is change in life so there will also need to be a change in the way things are organized but if I keep it organized I will be happy.

Accepting Others...

The most difficult people to accept sometimes are the ones you think should be a certain way which are not. Loved ones for example. There have been some things that I have been hurt by from my father recently and I shared them with him. I expected things to go a lot better and then hopefully get a better relationship with him. But what I realized was that he is content with the current situation and does not wish to change it he was very defensive and blaming. His intentions are good but he feels a victim and picked on so I feel like I will not be able to change that and in turn that means he will continue to feel that way and judge me based on that paradigm. It's best for me to accept him and his view on things so that I do not have false hope and just acceptance of the current situation and if times heals it then that is the only thing that will because my voice which I'm glad I was able to share it gave me more confidence in myself but it did not change things and I can at least know that I have a voice and I have feelings and even though he was not willing to validate them I can validate them for myself.

Lessons in Progress...
#1: Changing myself has been really not about changing me but accepting me. Which has in turn changed me and my disposition and the way I deal with other people because I can confidently and kindly say how I feel.

#2: Even though I was not able to resolve the conflict I was having with my father I was able to resolve it with myself. I know I spoke to him respectfully and kind and I know I validated his feelings and I know I stood up for me and my feelings which in the end is a victory for me.

#3: I can't change others but I control myself and my feelings and I cannot keep allowing my feelings to be hurt so accept how others view the relationship so I don't keep putting myself in a position to be hurt.

#4: Sharing my feelings is a major part of accepting myself and most people will accept them and even in the cases where people do not you cannot risk holding them back for that reason, for risk is the only way to truly stand up for yourself.

"Change the Changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable." -Denis Waitly

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Choose What you Want.

I find it fascinating that I often choose something based on what others think and based on how others feel even when it seems that they would not be hurt in return. I do think that my anxiety plays a big part in this, I am constantly thinking about how others think or even how I just think that they will think and it's hard to make choices because I'm so anxious about all of those things that I make myself think about which may or may not be and ultimately should demand my decisions.

Build a Bear...

So, grandma came for a visit last weekend and it's always a blast when grandma comes but this time it was an especially exciting trip because grandma took the girls to Build a Bear and let them make their own stuffed animal. I honestly didn't quite understand the hype about the place until we went there and got to see the whole process in action, the girls loved and the employee was so good with them, I was impressed with the whole experience. Anyway, the story I'm about to tell doesn't take place this day exactly. So we were at home talking about their cute cuddly toys from build a bear and one of my daughters new lovey for bedtime. And my other daughter said, "I really wanted the white one." (The White one is pictured above picture from the build a bear website.) Well Mom, Dad, and Grandpa didn't care for the white one so we thought we'd ask her if she wanted to Brown one instead. It was a perfectly innocent question on our part which she agreed that she would prefer the brown one. So she got the brown Horse and was and is very happy with it. She tell me however that she was sad that she didn't pick the white one. I decided that this was a perfect moment to teach my child about making our choices no matter what anyone else thought. It's never to early to teach the necessities of life. I also decided that it was a great moment for me to learn to just let her have the funny looking pony because she likes it. It's not going to be my Stuffy it's going to be hers to love. In the end we decided that if she would earn half the money for the white one I would pay for the other half. And she was excited that her brown pony would have a friend.
Lessons in Progress:
#1: Make your choice for you because in the end you are going to be stuck with your choice.
#2: Let your children make their choice and deal with the consequences of them. It is a good idea to give them guidance and direction but when their heart is leaning somewhere let them go, they need to gain confidence in making their choices.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Don't Forget Me Time.

One thing I do feel like I do a good job at our house is keeping a routine and a schedule for me and the girls. It helps with discipline because the girls know what to expect when. It helps me do get all the things I need and all the things that the girls need. To get things done and to get some rest. It works well in our home and it also gives me the chance to be more flexible because I'm not so nervous to break the schedule because I know it's still there and it will come right back when I'm done doing something else. It also helps because my husband works shifts and he's home during the week alot or working on the weekends and this gives me some kind of stability and feeling like I have some control over my life and schedule even though his work schedule changes all the time. Our Schedule, it's made a few changes over time.

Two Minutes...
Part of our routine that is very important is what we call our two minutes. Everyone gets at least two minutes of individual undivided attenttion once a day. We do ours before naps/quiet time. My husband or I spend two minutes doing what our children want to do just spending time with them. Then we get our time. My friend calls it her Peace. I like that! I have to do something I like to do, rest, or watch TV. Yesterday it didn't happen I got the girls put down and then I had work to do so I did that instead of rest. And I was very angry and upset the rest of the day.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 It's important for me to spend time doing something that I enjoy each day. If I don't I can't take care of others properly. Also, I get angry. Also when my girls don't get their time they get angry too. A number one reason for anger is when we feel like we aren't getting what we need.

#2 Make a routine that works for you and stick with it. It is important for me to keep my sanity.

#3 Doing what I need to do can give me more confidence. (I love bright colors and those flowers from others who care and table cloth reflect that to me.)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Think Before You Speak.

Often times I just say what I'm thinking and don't really think about how others will interpret it until after and then I just replay it over and over again. And sometimes I really do hurt people and I say something I haven't thought through yet or didn't really mean. And then I spend forever thinking about it and interpreting anything somebody else says through it, and even after I talked to the person about it I still feel bad about it. It's Exhausting.


This week my husband thought I was trying to say I wanted to split and I felt terrible about the whole thing and he's over it and I torment myself. All I was trying to do was explore myself and why I act the way I do sometimes. Anyway, we're all good and I just feel like I want to keep my mouth shut.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I could reverse this a little and think before I speak instead of torture myself after I would be a lot less anxious.

#2 Realize that everyone says things that they don't want to sometimes so they are understanding and willing to forgive.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Focus on the Details.

Part of Anxiety, for me anyway, means I feel like I'm not really there a lot of the time. Because instead of enjoying what's really going on right in front of me I'm worrying are even just thinking about other things. I really have been dealing with things a lot better and been able to pass by things better, and I don't have this anymore all the time but it still happens a lot. I was thinking what if I tried to focus on the details of a situation that might help me think about the situation I'm in better. Like thinking about my five senses, of course I wouldn't want to do this all of the time because then I might be more anxious trying to think about too many things. Maybe for instances such as intimacy or for me yesterday Dance class.


I was at work worrying and I couldn't remove it from myself to concentrate on what was going. I felt like such a nerd with all of the parents there watching and I was just falling apart, or so it felt to me. We got through the dress rehearsal but I knew that there were a lot of things that I needed to change that I couldn't because I just wasn't fully there that day. Which I really am usually pretty good at removing worry from work but yesterday was an exception. And I had parents giving me suggestions to problems that I knew were there but hadn't fixed and so I was quite embarassed. I was remembering my dance classes and some of the exercises that we used to do that really helped us with choreography and emotions. And they had to do with Details. For example, one time we were doing a dance based off of a statue, yes it was modern interprative dance, and we looked at each and every part and angle and we really focused on what it looked like, smelled like, felt like, sounded like, and every detail that there was to find on that statue in fact I could probablly describe it in detail to you today. The point I'm trying to make is that it was impossible to dance and feel everything that that statue was and be it because we really knew and understood it. So if I could keep dealing with my problems so that I can clear my brain of them and focus on what is going on right in front of me and see all aspects of something while I'm in the moment I can be in that moment and really be there I won't feel like I'm watching my life maybe I can feel like I'm in my life.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 Focusing on the details can help me to be in the moment that I am in.

#2 If I am constantly worrying about something else I can't really enjoy what I'm doing, like when I'm spending time with my kids and husband.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Go Down the Path Less Traveled.

Sometimes the path less traveled is the path that we need to take. It's scary and we haven't been down it much so it isn't easy but the more we go down the path the easier it gets. I read an article by Bruce K Fordham in the Ensign about how we think and how we can change it and it really helped me to visualize our brains and to give me hope that if I keep practicing and if I keep trying to change my negative thoughts into good thoughts that it will get easier. It's called Think About what you are Thinking about. Check it out it is a good one.


One of the biggest things that has affected me lately is the fact that the only way for me to fix something is for me to be honest about it. We wanted to buy a house recently but finally had to accept the fact that it really would be better for us to wait to buy until we can save some more money and be more prepared. It was really hard because we loved the house and we really wanted it and we had to tell some friends that we wouldn't be buying their home which is a whole other hard thing for me and we had to realize that we aren't going to buy our own home for awhile. That was really hard to accept and to admit and I still am kind of sad about the house but I feel better that we did what we needed to do but I am emotionally drained today. But if I wasn't honest with myself and others I would put myself in a situation where I didn't want to have feelings at all anymore and I would stop thinking and feeling and just let life make choices for me instead and me make the choices. It was hard and it's something that I'm not used to doing.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I keep making my own choices and thinking for myself it will get easier and I will gain more confidence.

#2 The truth is the only way to set yourself free.

#3 Changing what we do and how we think takes a lot of work and time but it can become the path well traveled.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Stop and Think.

Positive Choices are in my definition choices that we make that are good. What makes a choice good or bad. We do. I am reminded of something that I was once told and that is "Happiness is a choice." In every choice we make we can reprimand ourselves or we can accept the reason we had to make the choice or we can change the choice if necessary. How can I tell if the choice is right for me or not. First, I have to decide what my values are. For instance, I value my Family Relationships, Honesty, Hard work, Integrity, Education, Service, Cleanliness, Order, and a well Balanced Life in diet and exercise and time and money management. These are the values in which I must base my choices. If I am angry with myself for sleeping in, which I often am, I have to make the choice positive. I am sleeping in because I was up all night with the kids who needed me and now I need more sleep so I can be alert today to take care of them. Which supports my Value of Family Relationships. I talked about the Paradigm as a map in my last post my values give me the map in which I can feel good about the choices that I make. I have started getting myself in the habit of rethinking the why to my choices. When I feel myself get down on myself or getting Anxious I can stop and ask myself why.

Just ask Why?...

I hate it when someone moves my decorations or doesn't but things back where I had them or in the right order. And that happens a lot because first of all people aren't mind readers and they do not know exactly where I had things. The other reason this happens is because I am so particular a half an inch or rotation I not only notice but makes me nuts until I fix it and I can't think about anything else until it is fixed. And in a house full of kids you can just forget it. So I started a peace shelf to help have one spot that is up high that no one is allowed to bother. I can look there and feel like there is order somewhere. Also, I have to stop and think. One day I looked over at a picture frame on the end table and it was turned differently then the way that I had it. I started feeling myself getting anxious about and it was driving me nuts and I was trying to relax and watch TV but I couldn't because all I was thinking was that I needed to get up and fix that picture frame. Then I stopped and said to myself, "Why? Why does that picture frame need to be moved?" The answer was simply that I liked it the other way and I thought that it looked better the other way. Thinking that alone let me just release some of the stress and then I thought it looks okay that way too and I think it's cute that the girls like to decorate and I can let it go. The house was still clean and in order it just wasn't done my way and that is okay, it fit within my values the way it was. I was able to rest my mind and body and be happy with leaving it that way. The choice was to leave it that way because I had just spent thirty minutes cleaning and it was not necessary to clean more and even though I was anxious about it at first I answered the why and could be happy with that choice.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Never accept that because I feel upset or anxious means that that is just the way it is. Changing the way we think changes the way we feel.

#2: If I stop and rethink things I can change negative thinking into positive thinking and be happy with my choices.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Trust and Control.

There are far too many things in this life that I do not control. In fact, there is only one thing that I do control. And that happens to be me. A lot of my energy, worry, and anxiety come from things that I want to change or think I have to change that I cannot change and that I cannot control. If I could just take all that energy that goes into worrying, manipulating, and trying to control things that are really beyond my control and put that energy into changing what I can change, my life would be a lot easier and happier.


I have a really hard time trusting people and for a long long time I really believed that I trusted people. When I admitted to myself that I did not trust people I felt sad about it but at the same time I was relieved because I knew I had admitted the truth to myself. In other words I came out of Denial. I know it is cliche to say but it's so true that once you can admit it you can change it. I was talking to my sister about marriage and about how she was nervous about some things with a guy she was dating but she didn't really know for sure if she should worry. And it was then that I realized that once I stopped thinking I could control my husband and realized that he was his own person with his own choices and that I couldn't worry about what could be or what might happen is when I realized that I did Trust him. Control is apart of trusting others. If you feel like you need to control others you cannot trust them because you do not believe they will do what is right on their own. The other thing that is important with control and trust is that you have enough confidence in yourself to know that if something were to happen that is bad ever in your life that you could handle it. I will not die and I will move on and be able to make life good no matter what happens. Bad things will happen in my life a lot of things that are going to be outside of my control and I can accept the reality, feel the feelings, and move past it. I will not ignore things that are going on in my life, I will deal with them, and move on. My sister knew that in order for herself to move past this she had to talk things out and she did or so she said I'm going to have to talk to her and see how it went.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Once I learn to trust and control myself I can learn to trust others.

#2: Believe that most people are good and have good intentions at heart. My husband truly wants to do what is best for me and that can bring me peace.

#3: Bad things do happen lucky for me God controls them and he doesn't give me anything that I cannot handle.

#4: When I worry about things that I cannot control I rob myself of being the best person I can be.

#5: I don't control my kids, I teach them. (that's a whole other story for another day.)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Is it Good or Bad.

So I tend to think and think and think situations over and over and over in my head and I can't sleep and I can't function properly because I'm stressing about it. One of the things that I tend to run over in my head is conversations that I have had with people. They are usually conversations in which I am feeling like others have percieved me in a negative way.

To Help or not to Help...

So I was getting into my car after leaving a stressfull experience at the park with my kids and someone I knew stopped to ask if I had a nipple shield and if they could have it for their cousin who just had a baby and they were having trouble brestfeeding. Now I am an advocate for breastfeeding but I really didn't know what to say at the moment because I wasn't sure if I still had it and I also didn't know if I really wanted to give it up so I went on rambling all these type of thoughts to her several times and I was also telling her that someone else we knew I thought that she had a couple of them and to try and call her first. Then later I talked to my friend and she said that they had said that I didn't want to give them my nipple sheild and I was feeling really stressed that these people thought that I wasn't willing to help or that I was selfish and that I should have said it differently when I was talking to her and I just couldn't stop thinking about it and I worried the bad impression that I left.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: I could first think about the conversation and think of a better way to aproach the situation and realize that I made a mistake and that I will do better next time. Everyone makes mistakes and has weird conversations sometime.

#2: I have to realize that in every situation everyone will interpret it differently and I can't predict it and I can't control it all I can do is make the best choice I can for me. Then because I know that I made the best choice I could even if someone thinks a negative thought about me it doesn't mean that I am mean it just means that there is another interpretation for it. I have to choose to think of it in a positive way.

#3: The conflict was not with someone else but it was with me.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

you have to Change.

In order for my life to change and for me to change I have to change and I have to do something different. I think bad things about myself and I do have low self-esteem. I have been struggling with this pretty much my whole life. I love my dad and I am not blaming my dad for the way that I am but I am just saying that this may be the reason that I do think bad things about myself is because my dad used to call me bad names and yell at me a lot. A couple of the things that he really got upset about was going to bed and getting up in the morning. I started my day off thinking bad thoughts about myself and believing them the rest of the day. This happened for a long time. Now I believe that it is going to take me a long time to change it. But in order to change it I have to actively do something to change it. So I've started thinking good thoughts about myself and doing my breathing every morning and night and I'm already starting to see changes in the way I think others percieve me and in the way I treat my behaviors and being more confident in myself and my actions. I have also struggled a lot with going to sleep and getting myself up in the morning and I find it a lot easier to do when I'm thinking good things about myself.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: You can't expect something to change if you do not do something to change it.

#2: Changing the way you think is hard and it takes a lot of time to change. Especially when it's taken a lot of time to set up the way you think.

#3: Thinking good things about yourself can literally make you a better person. The power of the mind is unmeasurable.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Do I have to have Feelings.

Now I haven't quite got myself figured myself out on this one yet but I have been noticing that many of the problems that I can pinpoint may have to come back to trying to protect myself from getting hurt or avoid having feelings. For instance sometimes I'm mean or distant with people because if I get close or have good feelings it leaves me vulnerable for getting hurt or having bad feelings. I don't like to be alone because that leaves me alone with my fears and anxiety and my feelings. That are hard to control and are scary and real and I don't like it.

Lessons to learn:

#1: Right now I don't really know what I need to change and exactly how to fix all of this but understanding myself and why I do certain things is one of the first steps to fixing things.

#2: First accept my feeling and then accept the reality. Like I sometimes get really scared when driving because I had a bad car accident in the past so I have to tell myself, "I'm scared but I'm safe and I'm not in danger."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Make a Game Plan.

Last Sunday I went into church with no game plan at all I was completely ill prepared mentally and it showed the whole day. Not only because I was grouchy but I was frantic. My husband works shifts and so he has to work Sundays and on those Sunday's I dread it. Today however, I prepared for it. I knew last week went so bad and I could feel myself starting to get really anxious about this week as well. So I set myself down and thought well what is stressful about this and what could make it better. So I thought out the morning in my head and decided the best order for things to be done and also came up with a plan B in case plan A didn't pan out because let's face it if you've got young kids Plan A and B don't always go so I also had to be prepared that either of these might not work out and be okay with that to and that I'm not super woman just a woman and things will get done when they get done and eventually how they get done.

I got to church and things did go pretty much as envisioned on my part anyway. Good thing I didn't envision the kids because that really is unpredictable. But really the best part of it was that I slept the night before, I didn't feel stressed getting there because I had a plan and I also knew what else would happen if it didn't get done and I could just enjoy church. I was able to let it go from my stress and thoughts.

Lessons in progress:

#1: Visualize. When you know you are about to face something that is stressful. Create it first in your brain, have a plan and figure the best way to do it.

#2: Realize that things may not go as you envision them but that it is also not going to be the end of the world if it doesn't even get done at all, life goes on, people don't usually judge us as hard as we do and if they do the don't understand you and they do not understand your value and your choice.

#3: Do some breathing, venting (I like to write), and then say to yourself I am a smart person and I am capable of doing this.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm too hard on myself.

Sometimes when we are having a bad day it's simply that we are not mad at others but that we are mad at ourselves.

I was mad at myself and because I was mad at myself, for not feeling something that I felt like I should, I kept getting mad at everything and everyone. I finally sat down and wrote it all out and figured out what was bothering me and I did feel better. But I did also feel even worse when I was getting mad at everyone. I was being really hard on myself and therefore feeling really bad and therefore not being able to be nice and therefore feeling bad about that too and the vicious cycle was on.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: The first thing that could have helped. Was to stop and figure out what was bothering me and why and how could I fix it earlier during in the day.

#2: Accept reality, understand that because that's the way I feel there must be a reason why and that helps understand the current reality. It's not good to try to force feelings that you aren't having so accept how you are feeling and why that might be.

#3: Knowing and understanding that that is just the way things are and I can't change it helps me to not be as hard on myself because I can stop saying I should feel this way and I can say but I do feel this way and it's okay because that is just the way I feel.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just do it.

Today was one of those days were I was so overwhelmed emotionally that I really just didn't want to do anything. And really that isn't all true either the morning part of the day went pretty well. But then my friend also got involved in this insurance problem and then I wanted to call my Aunt to ask for her advice but I'm nervous because I just feel really stupid about it. But then also my mom called and her breast cancer might be back and then the baby wouldn't sleep and I needed a minute to deal with all my feelings because I was getting my heache nasea and dizzy spell. My body couldn't stand up let alone take care of my babies to the best I could so I kind of lost it and then they went to sleep and I just sat and watched TV. I tried to write and vent and then my sister called and I vented to her about a syrup incident this morning.

I made waffles and Ice cream for my daughters birthday this morning I hope this tradition catches on a bit more. Anyway my Husband was getting the syrup and he combined one syrup with the other one which would have made since if the one bottle was smaller but it was big too and it only had a little bit left in it and all he had to do was to use it and then throw that bottle away that I have been wanting to throw away for a very long time and I didn't want to put all the syrup back because know it's all mixed and germy and gross. Anyway I know silly but it made me very angry because I didn't like any of the options for fixing it. (Things would work out if I just did it though and not worries so much about germs from one syrup to the other but it really bothered me.)

It was really nice just to talke to my sister and then a friend called and invited me to Zumba tonight too and I just did it even though I didn't really feel like it and it ended up being really nice. Plus it was exercise which is also a good release of Anxiety.

Lessons in progress:

#1: Deal and Vent before I just watch TV so I can just relax.

#2: I need people. I need to have somebody to talk to about things and help me put things in more of a perspective. And others are usually going through or can understand what I'm going through so it's nice to share with others. I just need to do it and quit being so guarded.

#3: Exercise and friends are also a good way to help release stress and if I just get myself going it's worth it. Ask myself the question, "which choice is more important and what goes better with my values? Sit at home and watch more TV or do something?" Do something usually seems to make me feel better.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Speak my peace.

I was having a problem with an insurance company I was working with. I just felt the whole time that my agent was witholding information and that I wasn't getting all the information and then I found out that I had two other indemnity policies which I thought I only had one policy and then she finally got me all the paperwork and she had signed my name on papers to sign me up for these policies. And I was really angry and felt like I had been cheated and lied to and very angry. But more than angry about it I was very nervous to talk to the lady and customer service about the situation. I even tried talking myself into that this wasn't a big deal just so that I wouldn't have to talk to someone about such an outrageous contentious topic. I finally got the nerve after three nights of practice and the first time I talked to her she did deny and then I got the papers and knew that I was right and I called canceled my policy and told her why and the truth and it was very freeing to be able to say the truth even if it wasn't flattering and it was very hard to say.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: I'm important and I matter and if someone has done something to wrong me I have the right to do and say something about it.

#2: There is a right way to address conflict and I can do it in a calm professional way and I can have confidence and control of myself when I do it.

#3: People do listen when I speak.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Breathing Works.

I have been frustrated with the amount of frustration I have been feeling lately and that of course makes me more frustrated and I was having a horrible no good very bad day. And I think it was when the burner on my dinner mysteriously turned of and I had to re-cook my 20 min. dinner again and the baby was crying and the other kids were ready to eat and I had everything else cooked and ready to go and I went into panic attack mode. Crying, screaming, and throwing a fit and feeling like I've lost control of myself. So I removed myself from the room to my bedroom and let myself be mad about it and then I started to Breath. I do have to admit that the deep breathing works well and I also think that it worked well because I have been practicing my breathing for the past month morning and night. I used to think I don't need to learn how to breath "I know how to breath" but it really does help to breath in and I held it for 5 seconds and let it out and then consciously figured out what was going on and could see the situation more objectively. I was mad but I was okay and I was safe. So that's what I told myself while I was breathing and I calmed down and felt better about it. Unfortunately though I returned and felt more panic over the situation and had to remove myself and breath again and work through it all over again. It's days like these especially when I am really being proactive and getting things accomplished and doing and planning fun activities with the kids and then I loss it still and still everything seems to go wrong.

Lessons in Progress..

#1) Things just go wrong that is just life. It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong. It doesn't mean that I am wrong or bad.

#2) I'm going to have bad days no matter how much progress I make and I might have to do my breathing exercises all day long.

#3) I'm never there, I'm always working on it. Once I stop working on it I go back to worse.

#4) I need to accept my feelings, accept the current reality, and stop thinking bad and unrealistic things about life or myself.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


So today I have been a total basket case. I've been angry at silly things and I've been not feeling like doing anything and just wanting to be lazy. Until late in the night when we were coming home from the Young Women's Fundraiser Chili Dinner which I almost didn't go to because my Husband was at work and I didn't know if I wanted to brave it with the three little ones on my own but I did anyway and it was nice. The Young Women sang some really nice songs, one in particular hit me just right. She sang about how she came to this earth to let her light shine and that she was meant to do a special purpose. And I realized that I was meant to fulfill a special purpose too and I can't just be lazy and think that I am going to fulfill my responsibilities or even be happy in living them when all I want to do is nothing.

Drive Home...

During my drive home a really good song came on the radio. And I decided that I didn't care what my husband or any other adult thought I was going to blare that song and sing it and jam. And it was a blast. (My husband hates it when I turn the music up loud oh and roll the window down too.) I just loved it. I had so much fun singing that song I just felt so happy just enjoying being myself and doing what felt good. I miss music. Since I started teaching dance and choreographing dances music hasn't been as much fun to me because it's been more about work then entertainment. I miss it.

My mini van that I was jamming out in. Which by the way is the best thing ever if you have young kids. I do love my mini van.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: Music can evoke emotion. Good or bad. I need to listen to more uplifting music and more often.

#2: Do something that I enjoy. And really enjoy it. I am the master of finding the bad in all things and I have a really hard time enjoying things and I also find it hard for me to always do the things that I enjoy. I need to make the time to do something that I love to do everyday. And I don't do that. For one I don't really love love anything. So, maybe I need to find that something. The music was a really fun thing...maybe I could do that.

#3: Don't worry about what others think about me as long as I'm not hurting anyone and I'm happy and being myself and enjoying myself what others think really doesn't matter.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Coming Home.

After work or a meeting or spending time with friends and then coming home to the house is a stressful time for me. Usually It's when my husband is home with the kids and I come home and there is a mess aroung the house and the kids need to be fed and they are just hanging out enjoying the day.

So today I came home...

and Everyone was just hanging out and there were shoes and mess all over and the baby started to cry and the kids needed to be fed. And I just started being a big grouch. I was like seriously why does my husband get to just hang out and have fun with the kids and then I have to come home and do all the work. Then my grouchiness didn't make anything better, thank goodness my husband doesn't depend on his mood from mine and he kept up beat and I was able to come out of it and I also had to change my thinking and this is what I had to replace the bad thinking with...

Lessons in Progress..

#1: Remember that last night when I came home from work dinner was made the kids were eating and then my husband even did the dishes. I am not always the victim.

#2: My husband chooses to have fun and I do not.

#3: I clean up twice a day and if messes weren't made I wouldn't have anything to clean up during that time. If I was the only person who lived in the house I could maintain a certain level of cleanliness but since I am not I will accept mess and clean up twice a day. Plus I do have a shelf that is mine and only mine that no one is allowed to touch and it is in order 24/7 so I can let go of some things and let people actually live in the house. :)My "Peace Shelf," where I look when the rest of the house is in array.
The mess that was on the kitchen table.The mess that the kids are having fun with and enjoying.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I can make anything stressful.

It has been pretty evident lately that I don't really enjoy doing much or anything.

Dance Class...
I teach two dance classes on Mondays. And I really hate getting ready to go to them but once I'm there I enjoy it. Last week did not go very well so I was feeling bummed about that. I've been late starting class the last two weeks and I got a complaint about it. Whenever I have to say anything negative or anything that could potentially be confrontational I cringe, take a deep breath, and hope that it doesn't come out wrong. I can't say that it always comes out right. I had to ask one of the moms to wait before they got their kids dressed until after break time so that my little kids could go to the bathroom during break time if they needed too. And then my older class was very chatty and not paying attention so I had to be mean. Anyway, just because I had one bad day I was feeling like I didn't want to do it anymore.

So today during dance class it went really well and I really did have a lot of fun teaching and enjoying the kids. I just was myself and just went with the flow and didn't worry and just enjoyed myself. What a relief to change my thinking from last week. But it is hard to do.

The easiest and simplest games, CandyLand, and I can't play it. I can't play it not because I don't understand it but because it stresses me out. I worry about the kids playing it right and that they don't understand it all at once and that my one year old keeps messing up the cards and the pieces on the board. So before I do lose it I stop the game. Who knew that a simple game of candyland could stress a person out. Really, Why does this stress me out?

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Things do not have to be perfect. I just need to enjoy what I have and have fun with my kids and my work and my life.

#2: Life is not all bad but mostly good. Just because one bad thing happens doesn't mean that everything is bad.

#3: Happiness is a Choice. My Choice.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Getting Ready for Church.

I often times find myself in the grumpiest of moods in early mornings on Sunday. I have to keep asking myself, "How can this be, What am I doing wrong here?" This the day that is supposed to be reserved for the most peaceful of days full of the spirit and praising and joy and I am a grouch.

Early Morning...

The Alarm clock goes off and my husband nudges me. "It's time to get up." Yeah Yeah, I know. Well a half hour later and the nudging gets worse and if I don't get up right now I'm going to be late. Finally I nudge myself out of bed and into the shower. My husband gets up and gets the kids dressed which in the middle of my shower the girls are wanting me to look and see how pretty they are which they are that, but I don't know how my husband decided that Orange and Black went together on any other day besides Halloween. I later found out that my daughter thought that it was pink and that she thought it went together quite nicely. I politely explained how they didn't match and talked her into changing one of the articles of clothing.

I finished getting myself ready and decided to let my husband feed the girls and let the girls brush their own teeth and then I only had to do their hair.

Looking back on this morning I'm feeling like it was one of the better mornings before church. At least my husband didn't say, "Can we have a nice Sunday morning ever."

Lesson in Progess:

#1: Wake up in time to have us ready to go out the door early.

#2: Let go of Control. Yes I still preferred to do the girls hair, one step at a time, but at least I let my husband get the girls dressed well let the girls get themselves dressed and also turned it into a learning experience for them. Oh Oh, I know we need to set out their outfits the night before fully and appropriately matched. And have the learning experience when I'm not trying to rush to get ready for the day. And if the girls do their own hair it won't be the end of the world either.

#3: See sometimes I think we have to look perfect and we don't. The greater lesson is to let the kids learn to do things for themselves and gain confidence in making these choices for themselves. And letting my husband know that I have confidence in him helping out so he'll want to do it more often.
P.S. We weren't late. Thank goodness I didn't let an hour pass before I got up.