Saturday, November 1, 2014

The Thing I Could Do Without

I have been torturing myself with worry my whole life.  Mostly worry about what others think about me.  I went through a long time where I lost myself and became someone I didn't like, because I worried about what others thought.  I have really been working hard on finding myself and happiness and I am finding it slowly but surely!  I have many wonderful friends and family and professionals :) that have been helping me. Loosing myself in service and love towards others makes a huge difference it is really amazing how we can find ourselves through service.

 I am a passionate, assertive, friendly, outgoing, sensitive, and goal oriented person.  Sometimes in my passion for the ideas that I have and the strong love that I have for my family I can be outspoken.  I wish that people would form their opinions about you based on what they know of you and not what they hear.  I have been spoken badly about and I had such a negative response from others who thought they knew me and tried to defend themselves.  I am not judging anyone I am not accusing anyone I just want to be able to walk in the school where my children are and feel welcome and not be judged and be able to have open and honest conversations. I want to collaborate and communicate on level ground.  The frustrating part for me is that I worked so hard to try and make the school more safe not only for my kids but for so many other kids that were struggling and the other families get to benefit and I get to take the heat and judgement.  I feel like why did I speak up for everyone else when I am the only one who gets judged for this and did not receive support.  Why did I do this for others I feel like my kids are actually jeopardized because of me speaking up.  So why help the student body when it hurts my kids.  The worst part is to be judged by someone you do not even know.  I want to just go explain myself and make people understand the pain I was going through and the frustration of trying to help everyone on my own.  I just want to be done with the parent committee at school if all it is gong to do is jeopardize my personal relationships and my kids relationships in order to help the student body.

To make matters worse my husband lost his job and the rumors people are spreading are just vicious!!! I am very angry at the people starting such rumors and spreading them.  You can tell that people who used to be friendly to you are no longer friendly.  Or when friends ignore you and be cold it is hard not to be angry about the rumors when the rumors change your life and how people treat you.

I just read a wonderful talk by President Hinckley and one of the stories he talked about was a Mayor who was falsely accused of stealing something.  He spent the rest if his life defending himself to others and even in his death bed he was exclaiming that he hadn't done it.  How sad to live your life defending your honor.  The talk is here.

Lessons in progress:
I may not be able to change what others say about me and I'm not going to be able to change how others treat me because of it.  But I don't have to change me to fit what they think and I don't have to try and convince them that I'm not who they think I am.  All I have to do "is nothing" but be myself.  And if I loose friends over this then I guess they aren't truly friends.  If people cannot change their opinion of me after seeing how kind and compassionate I am, then I cannot do anything more about it.

I can still be me and be passionate and say how I feel in a respectful way and the part that I can get rid of is.... The worry about what others think about me.   I'm not changing me again so I better just stop worrying about what others think.

Release control and do my part and that is all I can do.

Forgive and remove the anger.

Thanks to my husband, family, and friends and teachers who support me through these hard times!