My Purpose

My Purpose is here
Here on Earth
Doing my Part
Finding my way
Setbacks they come
Coping is key
Keep Going
Keep Trying
They need you
You need them

Plans are Futile
Follow the Lord’s Plan
Not mine

Stop, Think, Breath
Solve and then continue
Trust, Grow, Learn

Hope Follows Action
Act, Serve, Love, Release

Live

-Lindsay Casey

It’s Still Good

Words cannot describe the disappointment, pain, and anger I feel.  I am so very hurt.  Everything in my mind tells me that it is done it is over and so therefore I need to be over it too.  I feel unjustified to be angry I feel like I have no right to be upset for I have a wonderful baby safe at home.  Why my mind and body cannot let go of the pain and move forward?  Going to the hospital the night before my baby was born my body was filled with so much anxiety that I cannot describe the feeling into words.  I was in such a state of emotional turmoil that I could not make a concise choice to safe my life.  I depended on those around me to help me make good choices.  It is never a good feeling to feel like your own mind does not function because your guts want to burst out of your stomach.  Labor progressed that night and as it did I felt so alone in my pain and anguish.  All I could do was make choices based on past experiences.  I did not make all the best choices but how could I, the clouds would not clear out of my brain and the pain would not ease.  Time was coming closer to having my baby girl born into this world as my body ached in pain I wanted nothing more then to have my baby in my arms safe and for the pain and anxiety to ease.  As she was approaching the earth the world around me spun as I was asked to do do an extraordinary feet.  “Get Her out NOW!” I remember them repeating to me....”Get Her out NOW!” “Get Her out Now!”  The calm exterior trying to mask the worry in their voice as her heart dropped.  I pushed with all I had and could not get her out.  What have I done.  I kept trying and on the third try I finally got her out.  Blue and limp she arrived with the cord wrapped around her neck four times.  She started to cry and breath and I was finally relieved to have her on me.  I felt her thick black curls stuck to head and tried to wrap her in my arms while an awkward annoying nurse tries to help me and then the nurse needed her and said I would have her right back.  Of course I wanted her to be okay so of course I let her.  She stole her and didn’t give her back as I lay there almost bleeding to death as puddles of blood rushed to the floor, and looking over at my baby yearning to hold her as some kind of bandaid to help ease the pain.  No one could help me  get my baby because they were trying to save me.  The baby lay there crying and the nurse doing her charts and having no clue what she was doing to my heart.  As I asked for my baby over and over.  My bleeding stopped and she was going to bring her to me.  She lay next to me slow close yet so far away there was nothing I could do there was nothing I could say, I could not change what was happening no matter what I wanted.  How could this nurse be so insensitive and have no clue what she was doing to my heart.  Why wouldn't they help me the way I wanted?  My baby almost given to me, almost there,  and then my body started to shake.  My body shook so uncontrollably that there was no way I could have held her in me arms safely.  “I want my baby!”  As everyone around did there best to help me, I shook and I shook and I shook.  For two hours my body was out of control and I had no where to turn I could do nothing to stop and to get my baby.  I wanted her so badly.  All I wanted this whole pregnancy was the moment I got to hold her in my arms and reach hold her close to my body.  She had been mine in me and no one else could take her and now there she was and I could do nothing to have her in my arms, NOTHING!  Get her, Husband, just go get her! No!  He wouldn’t leave my side.  Finally, as my body started to calm, they brought her to me and I just looked down at her and had a sense of relief as I put her to my body and I felt her close to my skin.  She started to nurse and I just nursed her as long as she wanted because I could not bear to let her go.  I still shook off and on but held on tight to my love.  I could not loose control again because I might not get her back when I asked I might not get what I wanted.  That nurse had no right to make that choice for me. She was my baby and she took it upon herself to make a choice that was not hers.  I honestly hate her.  She broke my heart and took away something that I can never get back.  I hate her!      The day went by pretty well and the other girls got to come to the hospital and meet her and I got to see my family together.  Then as everyone parted the headaches, dizziness and pain started.  I tried to sleep and feed my baby but I was not succeeding.  Finally, I gave in and let the nurse take her.  I slept and the baby slept and there was some relief.  But needless to say I had some separation anxiety.  I had to get a blood patch the next morning which my husband was supposed to make it for and was late as I cried through the scary procedure.  A kind nurse massaged some oils on me and aided with some relief, I felt somewhat better and thought I might be able to go home.  My husband was anxious to go.  I could barely get up and walk around and without even seeing me the doctor released me.  No iron tests and no care from her and I was released.  Again with anxiety rising up in my soul I was not able to make a good choice and let those around me help me make those choices.  All I could do was go off of past experience and in the past I would have been fine to go home.  While back at home I had major headaches, chest pain, hearing lose, numbness, tingling, and so dizzy I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t go back to the hospital because then I would be away from my baby.  I couldn’t do it.  I would manage.  When one night a Panic Attack hit me so strongly the chest pains and shooting pain was so strong that I thought I would die there.  Trying to stay there.  I held my baby day and night not to let her go as much as I could.  What a joy but the full joy of having a newborn was gone because I was in so much pain and in such a cloudy fog in  my brain that I could not feel much of anything besides that.  I feel like my joy was stolen away and I wanted it back.  There were so many people who reached out to me and blessed me and my family I am so grateful for the love others had for us and the great blessings we received during this time.  It took me two months to recover and fear of stroke from tingling all down the left side of my body from head to toe.  I wished my husband would have helped me more...but how could he really understand what I was going through and what would have helped me most.  I now have a beautiful baby that is alive and healthy and I am alive to enjoy.  I cannot dwell no the pain because I want to enjoy the now.  I must feel it and let it be.  Every time I see a baby, every time I hear a birth story, every time I see her baby photos, the feelings swarm back into my heart hard to push away the pain.  So don’t push it away.

When the event is triggered by something happening today I can:

1.) Let the feelings in and let it be.  Do not push the feelings out or try and stop them or deny them and the feelings will do what they are meant to do.

2.) After I have felt through it I can think more logically and come up with the story that makes it better....Something I learned....Something I can help others with....Something that is real and true.

3.) Amongst all the pain there is good and I need to focus on the good and feel through the bad.  

4.) Forgive those who trespass you as I would want others to forgive me.  Forgive myself.  The Lord will make up what was lost.  

5.) Do not let the pain of the past shadow the good of today.  Take control of my feelings today and do not give power to those who did me wrong. 

6.) Do not let the bad ruin all the good too.  She is here!  My Miracle!

7.)  Think it through beginning to end seeing both the good and the bad all the way through.

8.) Most things are out of my control.  

9.) I did all that I could do at that time.

10.)  Do not "What if” or “Should Have” the story.  I can not change it! I can only come up with what it means to me today to move forward with JOY!

To Dream or not to Dream

Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we dreamed it to be or the way that our heart was set out on and sometimes we just have to trust that The Lord had given us another path that may be a lot better then the path that we had pictured.

Life's Disappointments:

We are so excited to have another little baby come and join our wonderful family.  We have felt blessed ever since we found out about this new little one.  We knew that we were walking in the steps that our Heavenly Father had planned for us.  Everything was just falling into place for us.  When we decided to have another baby we also found our first home that fit our family and that we were able to afford...which was looking almost impossible prior to this.  Additional income for the family also presented itself and was a blessing.

     

So I'm guessing you're wondering where the disappointment came in.  Ever since I was a little girl I had pictured being a mom and I had imagined having boys grow up in my family.  Part of my personality is to include details.  In fact, I had the exact family and the exact home down to the decorations pictured out and how my yard would look...etc.etc.  My husband and I have three beautiful little girls and are having what is most likely our last baby.  The ultrasound day came and we found out the gender of our baby....another girl.  Neither my husband or I were surprised.  A rush of feelings swarm us both.  Of course we will love this little baby and we know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who gives us what we need and that he knows what is best for us and our family.  I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me at first knowing that I would love this baby as I love all my children and the thought of being disappointed about a wonderful life coming into the world broke my heart.  So I wanted to pretend I didn't care what gender of baby I had.  As I listened to my husband poor out his heart of father and son outings that he would not be invited to and football games that he would never see his son play in my heart felt for him.  I realized that my dream had also been broken, of course I cried though.  He was glad that I cried first so that he didn't have to. :)  I quit frankly was mad at Heavenly Father for doing this.  I know he has a good reason but what the reason is I do not understand at this point.  I have often found myself wondering, "Why do I dream?" "Why do I care about what I have and what I don't have?" "Why do I try or hope?"  I have a hard time letting go of these dreams that I pictured in my mind as a child.  And perhaps they were my escape from any pain that I felt, they were my happy future that I so longed for as a child.  I cling so desperately to these exact dreams that when they fail I feel as if I have failed and my happy future is somehow gone never to return.  What I'm learning is that dreams must change not stop.  I may never have a baby boy but that doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.  I may never have my own personal swimming pool, and I may never have some of the dreams that I've dreamed.  Just because I haven't been given my version of happiness doesn't mean that I won't have another version of happiness.  When we cling to dreams that won't happen I think it makes a person angry.  I could be angry the rest of my life for not getting what I want and what I think I deserve or I could take what I am given and be grateful for it and embrace it and make a new dream.  Dreams give us hope, dreams help us grow.  I can't control everything.  All I can do is figure out why was I given a family like my family growing up and why was I given a second chance.  What is my special plan and mission and how can I continue to dream and to find my happy place now.  

I'm not going to lie I am going to be disappointed when I think about it for awhile.  It's best for me to be disappointed now and to deal with the emotion so that I will be ready and happy and excited when she comes.  There are a many great things in my life and there are a many great things to look forward to with a new baby coming whom I am going to love and who is going to be a wonderful addition to our family.  Each child is different in their own way.  I'm not going to have the child that I want them to be no matter what gender of child I get.  My job is to love them and nourish them and help them learn and grow and learn and develop who they are.  

Now I just have to find some new dreams.  Good bye old dreams and hello new dreams.  Can't wait to meet my new baby girl!

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  Prayers that feel unanswered are only answered in a way that we can't see now.

2.)  Dream big, try hard, fail hard, dream again, try again, fail again and keep going.

3.)  Don't hold on to pride, admit disappointment.  

4.) Don't let lost dreams create anger, let go and make new dreams.  (they may not be as bad as they seem :)

5.)  Give thanks for what I have been given!

Happy Thanksgiving All!!!

Photo By Tenika

It never ends

 

So I spent days and weeks working on this post and then when I finally posted it none of my typing was on it so now here is goes again typing it all again a perfect Segway into my thoughts on this topic...

 

 

I'm a goal oriented person.  Goals motivate, activate, and create a sense of accomplishment when I finish them.  I love that feeling when I complete a goal or check something off my TO DO list.  "Yes, I'm finished, I did it!"  As I think about finishing a task it makes me also think about how tasks and goals never end and they just keep going and life just keeps going and there really isn't an end at all because our work just starts again...

 

 Housework....This is one of those obvious tasks in life that simply never end.  The moment you think the laundry is done someone's dirty underwear is in the hamper.  The minute you finish the dishes someone needs a drink.  And it's inevitable that the rest of the house gets dirty and just needs cleaned over and over.

 

 Trials...We always have them it's a fact of like.  Fortunately there is relief from a trial and then unfortunately we get another one and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.  I'm grateful for the knowledge that God doesn't give me trials that I cannot handle.

 

 Emotions...These also never end.  Wouldn't it be nice if once we felt them and then they'd just go away and we'd be done with them.  That's what I like to pretend I can do, it doesn't work because they come anyway.  When something particularly painful happens those emotions come back really often for awhile when we think about what happened or when something happens to remind us of the event.  And we have to work through them again and again it gets easier and once we keep on going life gets easier.  Emotions are a good thing they give us information.  When I feel something I've started asking myself, "What does this tell me about myself and what I believe." Instead of, "Oh goodness I've already felt that just go away please."  It's a lot more helpful.

 

 Forgiveness...When we are forgiving someone it happens this way too, we don't just say that we've forgiven someone and then forget about it.  When we feel angry about it again we forgive again it's a process.

 

 Life...Like the wreath above our life keeps going.  Because of Heavenly Father's Plan for us we can also have eternal life and that can give us peace, joy, and hope in the journey.

 

Lessons in Progress:

 

1.)  Don't give up, Keep going!

 

2.) Enjoy the Journey!

 

3.) Once I reach a goal, make more.

Have Faith

I read the quote the the other day by Joan of Arc.

I am not afraid...I was born to do this.

There is much that I could fear in this life and have feared.

• What others think about Me
• Failure
• Making a Mistake
• Hurting Someones Feelings
• Vulnerability
• Feeling excited and Happy
• Feelings of hope and being let down

As my confidence grows and I trust in the Lord and his plan for me my fears fade.

I want to address the first Fear right now.

My mom gave my daughter a book for her birthday You are special by Max Lucado.  It is a great book I highly recommend it.  She loves it and wants to read it everyday.  It's about this woodcarver that makes wooden puppets and they live in a town and they all hand out stickers judging each other.  If they thought they were a good wooden person then they gave them star stickers and if they thought they were not a good wooden person then they would give each other dot stickers.  One wooden person that had many dots didn't think highly of himself because the other wooden people didn't either went to see the woodcarver.  The woodcarver told him that he was special because he made him and that it didn't matter what the others thought only what he thought.  And that if he believed that then the stickers wouldn't sitck to him star or dots.  It is an awesome book!  It just reminds me that it really doesn't matter what others think it only matters what the Lord who made me thinks and he loves me and thinks I'm special so what anyone else thinks doesn't really matter.  So the comments that others have for me don't need to stick either way, good or bad, just like the stickers wouldn't sitck if they didn't care what they thought.

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  When I believe that I am Special then it doesn't matter what others think or comment about me.

2.)  When I let this fear guide me then I become someone that I am not.

3.)  I can achieve more when I believe in myself and face things face front and believe that my mission is important enough to fight for regardless of fear.

Let thy heart be full of thanks

"When thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God." Alma 37:37

 One of the worst and hardest things for me to do is to wake up in the morning. But I can tell that I'm doing good Emotionally when I can wake up in the morning with some kind of excitement about the day. I love that scripture it's a good reminder that A little hope faith and gratitude helps make you happy. God gives me those things and I have really been loving getting up and being ready for some good in the day!

 Lessons in progress:
1.) Thank the Lord
2.) anticipate good
3.) Believe that you're worth it
4.) just do it and it affects your whole day for good

To Love

It's amazing the difference it makes in behavior, outlook, self-esteem, and happiness when you decide it's okay to love yourself and allow others to love you.

Daily Mistakes...

Each and everyday is filled with both a jar half empty or full and even if it's leaning toward one way or the other you can always find the good, that is the glory in opposition in all things. No matter what we can find good in it. I feel like I can be grateful and find all of those good things but when it comes to me making a mistake I have the hardest time getting past it. I hate it, absolutely hate making mistakes. I am a fairly capable and knowledgeable person and I am able to make good and correct choices most of the time. But the reality is that it is impossible to do it 100% of the time. So inevitably I make mistakes pretty much daily. One mistake takes my Jar full of water no matter what level of fullness or emptiness it is at and it drops a big black drop of food coloring in it and turns the whole thing black murky and miserable. I have come to realize recently that the big black drop of die that perverts my clean water is telling me that because I am not perfect I am no longer worthy of being loved. And because I feel like I am no longer able to be loved I push away those around me that I do love because, "How could people like or enjoy me or love me if I make mistakes, if I'm not perfect, if I don't live up to what they need or want from me." These thoughts and feelings would bring me down and make life miserable making me more inclined to make even more mistakes then the first that was most likely a very innocent mistake. It would become a very vicious cycle for me.

Turning Points...
I remember a story of when I was in Junior High School and I was sleeping over at a friends house who lived a couple blocks away. And we were up late giggling and having a ball it was past midnight and into the early morning and I started to feel sick and I couldn't sleep and my friend, who, by the way, was a hypochondriac, suggested very strongly that she thought I should go home to sleep and be with my family. I agreed and walked home in the dark cold and I got to my house and realized that I did not have a house key I knocked quietly on the front door but not enough for anyone to hear while they slept. And instead of bothering anyone or inconveniencing anyone I would have rather sleep on the front porch in the cold without a coat or blanket and with the flu. As I was thinking about this memory I thought, "What if that was my daughter cold and sick out on the front porch I would have been so sad and would have wanted to reach out to her and love her and take care of her even if it was 2 or 3 in the morning." And it occurred to me that I was worth it too. That it was okay for me to bother someone or need something and that it was okay for me to love myself enough to knock a bit louder or to ring the doorbell or go knock on my parents window, that I was worth it.

The greatest love and example of love that I know is from my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so truly grateful that I have been able to feel of his love and that I have been able to have others bless me from their love and concern to help show me that I am worth it that I am loved even when I don't get everything right. In Mark Chapter 12 versus 30 and 31 Jesus talks about the greatest commandment and that it is to "^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy ^cstrength" and that the second greatest is like it "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I truly believe that loving our selves is included in this and that in order for us to fully love like we need to we must first love ourselves, mistakes and all. As I put my trust in the lord and in his love for me I know that I can change and that I can have my thoughts turn to him and to love instead of feelings of despair and hopelessness. For I know that he loves me enough to care about my tears and my anguish and I am truly grateful for him. Through him my best is good enough and he can make up the difference and he continues to care and love despite my weakness and imperfections. People do have limitations and do make mistakes and therefore I can forgive those who have not loved me when I have faltered and failed and will love myself instead and continue to do my best daily.

Lessons in Progress:

1) Love yourself

2) Love Others

3) Don't let negative thoughts get us down instead turn our thoughts to the Lord and his love and trust in him.

Trials Make us Stronger.

At this point I'm not saying this because I'm at the point where the trial has made me stronger but I'm saying it because I hope it does make me stronger after I'm done with this doozy, I guess I'm never done at all anyway but when it gets to the point where it goes a bit easier. Though I suppose it will only be to prepare myself for the next doozy in which case I'm hoping I'll be stronger and a lot more apt to handle it.

I don't have enough time or energy to go into detail about this doozy soooooo...

Lessons in progress...

1.) Believe in Good will, people are usually trying to do what's best and not trying to put you down.

2.) When people mess up you have to forgive or else your stuck with the burden.

3.) Do your best with the situation you are given. Realize what you can control and what you can't and work on those things that you do control.

4.) Time to process and work through things is key don't expect immediate fixes for problems and don't feel pressure in making choices right away when you don't have all the information yet.

Hope Gets You Through It.

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things that just feel like they are never going to happen and the more I work for them the farther away they seem.

My Garden...

I worked really hard on planting seeds and watering and weeding and planning and it was a lot of work to get my garden growing I was already a bit disappointed that some of the seeds weren't growing but I had a lot growing and they were coming strong and they were about to grow flowers, and then my husband came by with the weed spray and killed half of my flowers. I was so disappointed and I lost hope and I didn't even care about the ones that were still there I stopped weeding it and I was just so upset about all the things that were killed.

Instead of seeing all the good that was still there all I could see was the setbacks instead of working with what I had I was about to have nothing. So I picked myself bakc up and had hope that I would still have half of a garden and I started weeding it again and sure enough I have some beautiful flowers.

It's a lot like how I've been feeling like my progress with life. I work really hard at something and then I just seem to fall and I forget that falling down doesn't undo all of the progress I've made unless the fall makes me quite trying. I have to have hope that things will get better so I can keep trying so that I can endure the falls and get back up and enjoy the things that get me to where I want to be.

Lessons in Progress...

#1 Falling down doesn't mean that you've failed it just means that you have to get up and keep going.

#2 Hope is the light to help you get through it, hope for things that aren't but can be and will be if you keep trying.

#3 Even though half of it is bad the other half is good.