Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Emotional Responsibility

I am working on managing my Anxiety and Anger.  The story of my life.  I have a ton both of those things but I have made a lot of progress.  I have learned how to control myself and take responsibility for my own emotions. Am I always able to do it perfectly? No.  But seeing progress gives me hope to keep trying.

One thing that I did not see before in myself was the fact that I find myself responsible for others emotions.  This is a huge anger trigger.  Anger comes from either not making a choice or feeling like you can still do something to fix something.  I get a lot of anger from feeling like I can fix or change other peoples emotions.  It is not possible, so the anger grows, when I do not get rid of the responsibility, the anger continues.

We have a rule in our house that you can eat fruits are vegetables anytime you want.  If they end up ruining their dinner because they ate too many carrots then for goodness sakes, who cares!  So, one of my daughters asked me if they could eat some grapes.  My answer was, “You know the rule, but just remember that dinner is coming up.”  Well, she continued on making a big fuss about it and went on and on about how I would not let her eat any grapes and her sister was eating grapes and it was not fair that she could not eat any grapes and yadda yadda.  Anyway, instead of letting her decide that she did not want to eat any grapes and just let her own her own decision, I bit.  Oh man I was angry.  The realization is that I became emotionally responsible for her instead of empathizing with her.  I took the blame and responsibility even though it was not mine and therefore I became angry.  I have also realized that I do this in many other instances and I allow others to cause me guilt and I make choices based on feeling responsible for someone else somehow.  I have realized people who tend to do this to me.  I need to recognize this and remember where the responsibility lies and not allow them to make me feel this way.  I also try to lesson my time with them.

Lessons in Progress:

1.) I am not responsible for others emotions.

2.)  Show empathy and kindness but do not feel responsible.

3.)  It is freeing to be able to make choices that I need to make and not make choices based on the emotions of others.

4.)  I am a kind person with high morals and I would not make a choice to purposely hurt someone so there is no need to feel responsible when someones feelings get hurt.  I can apologize and admit where they may have thought that but I will know my heart and I can be okay with what I have done.

Babies snack time! No grapes for her!

Doubt to Confidence

It is a strange realization when you realize that the love that you have for yourself is conditional.  The love that I have for myself is conditioned upon what I am able to accomplish.  If I am able to get a lot done, finish all of my goals, accomplish what I set out to do and when my life is going well and I am living up to my expectations of myself I am confident and making good and decisive choices because I love myself.  When I am not doing the above things I am not confident and I have a hard time making choices and I second guess myself.  Those are the times when I do not love myself.  If I could continue to love myself despite mistakes and setbacks then I would be able to bounce back out of those setbacks much easier.  Rather then having to prove to myself that I am worthy to be loved I could just forgive myself and move on making confident choices again.

I am shamefully a yeller.  I am fully capable of being a sane and level headed mother but when I do not love myself and when I feel guilty and when I do not love myself I also feel like others should not love me either.  I tend to want to be a grouch and distance myself from others.  I was having the worst night and unfortunately for the plate involved because it ended up shattered.  I was just yelling about everything mostly about everything that I had asked the kids to do which they had not done.  Not that my rampage was not shameful enough and of course the guilt was building up I then had the sweetest children in the world, if I do say so myself, tell me, “We love you Mom.”  What sweet spirits full of unconditional love for me.  I am humbled and learning from their sweet example to me.  Despite my rampage and the broken plate they still loved me, could I do the same thing and love myself and others unconditionally just as my kids did for me and the Savior does for us.  Through this experience I can see a glimmer of light as to what the pure love of Christ is,  It is unconditional and perfect.

Lessons in Progress:

1.)  When you feel like you are not good enough, have not done enough, and are not confident in your choices...choose to love, yourself.

2.)  "We’re not sayin' you can change him,
‘Cause people don’t really change.
We’re only saying that love's a force
That's powerful and strange.
People make bad choices if they’re mad,
Or scared, or stressed.
Throw a little love their way.

Throw a little love their way.
And you’ll bring out their best...

We need each other to raise
Us up and round us out." (Wilson, Frozen, 2013)

Love can change how we treat ourselves, others, and become vulnerable to others.

3.)  Getting hurt is just apart of life we are going to disappoint ourselves and those we love but love, forgiveness, and trust are what we are learning and unconditional love can help pull this off.