Life's Disappointments:
We are so excited to have another little baby come and join our wonderful family. We have felt blessed ever since we found out about this new little one. We knew that we were walking in the steps that our Heavenly Father had planned for us. Everything was just falling into place for us. When we decided to have another baby we also found our first home that fit our family and that we were able to afford...which was looking almost impossible prior to this. Additional income for the family also presented itself and was a blessing.
So I'm guessing you're wondering where the disappointment came in. Ever since I was a little girl I had pictured being a mom and I had imagined having boys grow up in my family. Part of my personality is to include details. In fact, I had the exact family and the exact home down to the decorations pictured out and how my yard would look...etc.etc. My husband and I have three beautiful little girls and are having what is most likely our last baby. The ultrasound day came and we found out the gender of our baby....another girl. Neither my husband or I were surprised. A rush of feelings swarm us both. Of course we will love this little baby and we know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who gives us what we need and that he knows what is best for us and our family. I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me at first knowing that I would love this baby as I love all my children and the thought of being disappointed about a wonderful life coming into the world broke my heart. So I wanted to pretend I didn't care what gender of baby I had. As I listened to my husband poor out his heart of father and son outings that he would not be invited to and football games that he would never see his son play in my heart felt for him. I realized that my dream had also been broken, of course I cried though. He was glad that I cried first so that he didn't have to. :) I quit frankly was mad at Heavenly Father for doing this. I know he has a good reason but what the reason is I do not understand at this point. I have often found myself wondering, "Why do I dream?" "Why do I care about what I have and what I don't have?" "Why do I try or hope?" I have a hard time letting go of these dreams that I pictured in my mind as a child. And perhaps they were my escape from any pain that I felt, they were my happy future that I so longed for as a child. I cling so desperately to these exact dreams that when they fail I feel as if I have failed and my happy future is somehow gone never to return. What I'm learning is that dreams must change not stop. I may never have a baby boy but that doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming. I may never have my own personal swimming pool, and I may never have some of the dreams that I've dreamed. Just because I haven't been given my version of happiness doesn't mean that I won't have another version of happiness. When we cling to dreams that won't happen I think it makes a person angry. I could be angry the rest of my life for not getting what I want and what I think I deserve or I could take what I am given and be grateful for it and embrace it and make a new dream. Dreams give us hope, dreams help us grow. I can't control everything. All I can do is figure out why was I given a family like my family growing up and why was I given a second chance. What is my special plan and mission and how can I continue to dream and to find my happy place now.
I'm not going to lie I am going to be disappointed when I think about it for awhile. It's best for me to be disappointed now and to deal with the emotion so that I will be ready and happy and excited when she comes. There are a many great things in my life and there are a many great things to look forward to with a new baby coming whom I am going to love and who is going to be a wonderful addition to our family. Each child is different in their own way. I'm not going to have the child that I want them to be no matter what gender of child I get. My job is to love them and nourish them and help them learn and grow and learn and develop who they are.
Now I just have to find some new dreams. Good bye old dreams and hello new dreams. Can't wait to meet my new baby girl!
Lessons in Progress:
1.) Prayers that feel unanswered are only answered in a way that we can't see now.
2.) Dream big, try hard, fail hard, dream again, try again, fail again and keep going.
3.) Don't hold on to pride, admit disappointment.
4.) Don't let lost dreams create anger, let go and make new dreams. (they may not be as bad as they seem :)
5.) Give thanks for what I have been given!
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