Sunday, February 5, 2012
It's amazing the difference it makes in behavior, outlook, self-esteem, and happiness when you decide it's okay to love yourself and allow others to love you.
Each and everyday is filled with both a jar half empty or full and even if it's leaning toward one way or the other you can always find the good, that is the glory in opposition in all things. No matter what we can find good in it. I feel like I can be grateful and find all of those good things but when it comes to me making a mistake I have the hardest time getting past it. I hate it, absolutely hate making mistakes. I am a fairly capable and knowledgeable person and I am able to make good and correct choices most of the time. But the reality is that it is impossible to do it 100% of the time. So inevitably I make mistakes pretty much daily. One mistake takes my Jar full of water no matter what level of fullness or emptiness it is at and it drops a big black drop of food coloring in it and turns the whole thing black murky and miserable. I have come to realize recently that the big black drop of die that perverts my clean water is telling me that because I am not perfect I am no longer worthy of being loved. And because I feel like I am no longer able to be loved I push away those around me that I do love because, "How could people like or enjoy me or love me if I make mistakes, if I'm not perfect, if I don't live up to what they need or want from me." These thoughts and feelings would bring me down and make life miserable making me more inclined to make even more mistakes then the first that was most likely a very innocent mistake. It would become a very vicious cycle for me.
I remember a story of when I was in Junior High School and I was sleeping over at a friends house who lived a couple blocks away. And we were up late giggling and having a ball it was past midnight and into the early morning and I started to feel sick and I couldn't sleep and my friend, who, by the way, was a hypochondriac, suggested very strongly that she thought I should go home to sleep and be with my family. I agreed and walked home in the dark cold and I got to my house and realized that I did not have a house key I knocked quietly on the front door but not enough for anyone to hear while they slept. And instead of bothering anyone or inconveniencing anyone I would have rather sleep on the front porch in the cold without a coat or blanket and with the flu. As I was thinking about this memory I thought, "What if that was my daughter cold and sick out on the front porch I would have been so sad and would have wanted to reach out to her and love her and take care of her even if it was 2 or 3 in the morning." And it occurred to me that I was worth it too. That it was okay for me to bother someone or need something and that it was okay for me to love myself enough to knock a bit louder or to ring the doorbell or go knock on my parents window, that I was worth it.
The greatest love and example of love that I know is from my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so truly grateful that I have been able to feel of his love and that I have been able to have others bless me from their love and concern to help show me that I am worth it that I am loved even when I don't get everything right. In Mark Chapter 12 versus 30 and 31 Jesus talks about the greatest commandment and that it is to "alove the Lord thy God with all thy bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy cstrength" and that the second greatest is like it "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I truly believe that loving our selves is included in this and that in order for us to fully love like we need to we must first love ourselves, mistakes and all. As I put my trust in the lord and in his love for me I know that I can change and that I can have my thoughts turn to him and to love instead of feelings of despair and hopelessness. For I know that he loves me enough to care about my tears and my anguish and I am truly grateful for him. Through him my best is good enough and he can make up the difference and he continues to care and love despite my weakness and imperfections. People do have limitations and do make mistakes and therefore I can forgive those who have not loved me when I have faltered and failed and will love myself instead and continue to do my best daily.
Lessons in Progress:
1) Love yourself
2) Love Others
3) Don't let negative thoughts get us down instead turn our thoughts to the Lord and his love and trust in him.