Once a Day

I've made a new resolve to do things necessary for my spiritual and mental health at least once a day. Here is the list...



1.) Prayer
2.) Read the Scriptures
3.) Read Something Inspirational
4.) Write About it
5.) Think about all the things I'm grateful for and the things that went well for the day
6.) Exercise
7.) Breath
8.) Time for me

The list may seem long but most of these things do not have to last long. If I haven't done my once a day at least once a day I do it before I go to sleep. A mini goal list for the day. I try to get them done in the morning so that my day starts out successful along with a couple of other to do's will make for a positive day because I've already succeded for the day and if I don't get them done I know that I will before I go to bed so I don't worry about it. I just do my best!

Expectations

My anxiety is sometimes caused by my outrageous expectations.

I have too high of expectations for what can actually be achieved either realistically or physically or timing and it sucks. It causes me a lot of anxiety.

Shifts...

My husband works shifts, four days of twelve hours and then four days off. Well, on his four days off we get so much done plus I enjoy my kids and I'm just loving life. Well, on his four days on he works eight to eight so he's pretty much gone the whole time the girls are awake and it's a pretty long day for me. Not to mention that my expectations are set at overload from the days that he has just had off so I am working full power trying to get everything done that I have on my list. Which is just as long as the list that I had on his days off by the way. And I am just so frustrated and overspent and mad at myself for not acheiving more by the end of the day.

What I forgot to change was my expectations of what I was going to get done that day. I forget that my time is doubled when my husband is home so my list should be cut in have when he's at work and then I could enjoy the day but also have a realistic expectation of what I could get done.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't expect miracles expect progress. However, I do believe in miracles I just think that expecting them on a regular basis sets you up to be hurting and disappointed.

2.) A change in expectation is a change in attitude.

Trials Make us Stronger.

At this point I'm not saying this because I'm at the point where the trial has made me stronger but I'm saying it because I hope it does make me stronger after I'm done with this doozy, I guess I'm never done at all anyway but when it gets to the point where it goes a bit easier. Though I suppose it will only be to prepare myself for the next doozy in which case I'm hoping I'll be stronger and a lot more apt to handle it.

I don't have enough time or energy to go into detail about this doozy soooooo...

Lessons in progress...

1.) Believe in Good will, people are usually trying to do what's best and not trying to put you down.

2.) When people mess up you have to forgive or else your stuck with the burden.

3.) Do your best with the situation you are given. Realize what you can control and what you can't and work on those things that you do control.

4.) Time to process and work through things is key don't expect immediate fixes for problems and don't feel pressure in making choices right away when you don't have all the information yet.

Find the Learning Experience

Although I understand that there can be good to every experience it isn't always easy to find. Often times the worst experiences that we have are really learning experiences and that's how we can make them positive and work for us in the future.

My Life right now...

is full of some of those worst moments that you just know aren't going to get better unless you just face it and fix it. While I was sitting here trying to decide what to write I couldn't decide so I counted 10 different things, on my fingers thank goodness I didn't have anymore things or I would have ran out of fingers. And they are really hard things, things that just can't fix themselves out easily. I'm glad that I have decided to face them and fix them instead of hide them inside of me.

I'm really sad that I lost my grandpa a couple weeks ago. It's really hard to loose someone you love and have such good memories with but at the same time he was suffering and I'm glad that he doesn't have to anymore. I'm glad that I know that he's in a better place with my Heveanly Father right now.

I don't know what it is about bad things in life but it seems like they all catch you at once. I feel like I've been out of order for quite a while now. At first I kept trying to push all my feelings away and disregard them and I was having a lot of anxiety over it much like how I used to do things. Then I realized that I had to accept my feelings and accept how things really are and what I really wanted in life and that I would be okay in the end no matter what happened as long as I was honest with myself. And I've been really sad but at least now I can say I'm going to learn something from this even though it really hurts.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: When you fear something that you think is so terrible you can't confront it and you can't be confident in your choices and feelings. So let go of the fear and face it head on, honestly.

#2: Hiding feeling that you don't want to have only makes it so that you can't have feelings that you do want to have and deserve to have.

#3: Making choices in this life is hard to do and there isn't always an easy answer but if you take some time think about what you really want even if it may be harder you can feel better about yourself and be that much more commited to your choice.

#4: Don't let life just lead you, you lead your life.

#5: Just when you think life is really really bad it's important to remember all the things that are great too, there is always a few somethings.

"I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." - Dr. Seuss

Hope Gets You Through It.

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things that just feel like they are never going to happen and the more I work for them the farther away they seem.

My Garden...

I worked really hard on planting seeds and watering and weeding and planning and it was a lot of work to get my garden growing I was already a bit disappointed that some of the seeds weren't growing but I had a lot growing and they were coming strong and they were about to grow flowers, and then my husband came by with the weed spray and killed half of my flowers. I was so disappointed and I lost hope and I didn't even care about the ones that were still there I stopped weeding it and I was just so upset about all the things that were killed.

Instead of seeing all the good that was still there all I could see was the setbacks instead of working with what I had I was about to have nothing. So I picked myself bakc up and had hope that I would still have half of a garden and I started weeding it again and sure enough I have some beautiful flowers.

It's a lot like how I've been feeling like my progress with life. I work really hard at something and then I just seem to fall and I forget that falling down doesn't undo all of the progress I've made unless the fall makes me quite trying. I have to have hope that things will get better so I can keep trying so that I can endure the falls and get back up and enjoy the things that get me to where I want to be.

Lessons in Progress...

#1 Falling down doesn't mean that you've failed it just means that you have to get up and keep going.

#2 Hope is the light to help you get through it, hope for things that aren't but can be and will be if you keep trying.

#3 Even though half of it is bad the other half is good.

Live and Learn.

As much as I want to be right always and as much as I want to be perfect and as much as I want to get it right the first time it's not possible even if I pretend it to be that way. I hate being wrong and what's worse I hate to admit it. I also hate messing up, I have a really hard time letting it go and just learning from it and moving it past me.

I'm Wrong Sometimes...

The other day I was having an argument with my husband and as much as I was partly wrong I just couldn't admit it because even though I was mostly wrong in that moment I had a reason to be upset. So I went on with the argument thinking that I was telling him that I was partly wrong but apparently I wasn't saying it clearly enough. Saying, I understand how you are feeling isn't an admission of fault? :) Anyway, I said, "I said I was wrong there." My Husband replied, "Wait what...you did not say that." So I guess I didn't say it in so many words and when I finally said it the conversation went a lot smoother and we were able to work it out. I just hate being wrong but I guess I can't be right all the time.

Also, today at church, I teach Sunday School, I felt like I had a problem and I didn't deal with it properly and I'm struggling getting it out of my thoughts because the solution is so simple how could I not have seen it or done it at the time. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that I'm not perfect and make mistakes and you know what If I don't I'm not going to be able to look at this situation and say hey I did messed up instead of making up a reason why I did it right because we all know that it wasn't. So now I can think about the solution and change it for next time. You know what it is really awesome admitting your faults and admitting when you mess up because if you don't you can't learn from the experience. whew, okay I'm glad I can say it now. I'm wrong a lot in fact probably most of the day. :) I guess that's what will make me a better person.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't get caught up in trying to be perfect. If you do you will talk yourself into thinking that everything that you do is right for some reason or another and you can't learn or grow that way.

2.) Don't beat yourself up over it. Even if the solution seems simple, it's sometimes hard to see the solution when your in the moment. Stepping back and taking a look at it will help you to see things more clearly (Supposing that you don't think that your perfect) and find a better solution so that when your faced with a similar solution in the future you will know what to do.

3.) Let it go, Admitting your fault is the first step, finding the learning experience is the next and not fearing the next time you'll encounter the situation because you know what to do this time so you can live your life and quit the fear/worry. (I know easier said then done.)

Bad Days are Inevitable.

I hate it when I'm doing so well and things are going really well and then blech.


Bad Day...

Okay it's been more like two bad days. But I'm just being happy that the good days are starting to far outway the bad ones I think that is probablly normal. I'm very excited to say that I may actually be feeling more normal by the day. I've really had to make a concious effort to get myself to snap out of it and kick myself into gear but I've felt it well worth it.

Since I have started getting my routine into a more regular basis I seem to be getting repricutions from my family. It seems that they prefer me to be giving all of my time to them. And hey I guess if I were used to having mom 24/7 I would need to adjust too. I've been getting questions such as, "Do you have to exercise everyday?" "The kids haven't had breakfast yet?" (Even though it's only 6:45am) I believe that they will just have to get used to the fact that mom has basic needs too. :)

Lessons in Progress...

#1: Stick with it. Remember that I'm going to have bad days everybody does, the problem comes when I can't get myself out of it.

#2: Even if others aren't feeling the same way I do it doesn't mean that they have to and it doesn't mean that I have to change to feel the way they're feeling either. I can be happy with my choices and feelings even if they conflict with how others feel or think. It's better to have them conflict with others and find a way to compromise then to put yours aside and cause inner conflict or anxiety.

#3: Routine and organization help put me on track and keep me on track.

Respect Yourself.

I think once you start respecting yourself and saying what you feel and knowing that you are important enough to do those things others around you can respect you and they notice that they can't walk on you.

People Pleasing...

Me being a People Pleaser I've had a really hard time saying how I feel or doing what I need to do especially if it conflicts with how someone else feels. It is really a negative thing for my self confidence and my self concept even. I had an experience where I just said how I felt even though a friend of mine was saying something different. Because I'm not always this way she seemed shocked but really afterwords I felt more respect. If we do not respect ourselves other don't either.

This has really turned into a positive thing for me. I feel like I can make this weakness of mine into a positive thing. I still want to please people but instead of giving up myself identity to do I speak my peace in a kind way that would not be intended to hurt someone, and explain myself if necessary. But also because I like to please others it brings many good qualities. Like being a good friend and listener, and being willing to help when others need you. These are positive things that I can embrace about myself and throw out the part where I lose myself in it. The balance needs to be there.

I have really been doing my breathing twice a day and thinking positive thoughts and I have been not only recognizing the times that I do mess up but also making efforts to change them. This is giving me more confidence to say what I think and have more confidence in my choices.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: I need to give myself enough respect to say what I feel and give myself the time that I need so that I'm not always giving so that I can also give to myself.

#2: Embrace myself even the weaknesses because they can only make me stronger.

#3: Constantly worrying about what others think about me and how they might react if I disagree is a waste of time and energy it's also counterproductive and unnecessary, and mostly it causes a lot of anxiety.

#4: The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have to change what I am thinking and my actions if I expect to recover from anxiety.

#5: Don't forget my breathing and meditation in the morning it grounds me and is helping me change my thinking and behavior and therefore easing the Anxiety.

People are who they are.

This theme that I've been learning a lot about lately really has two different meanings for me. One is that I am much happier now that I am accepting myself and my feelings and now that I am learning about who I am and more so, accepting myself. The second part of this is that other people are going to be themselves and weather we think we should have a different relationship with them than what we have, we can not change other people it's best to accept them for them.

Being Me...

I noticed myself accepting things about myself that I don't necessarily see as a good thing but now I know that it's apart of self acceptance. I sometimes hate the fact that I love order and in the past as come off like I'm trying to control. When in fact order is a good thing and cleanliness are good things it's just when it gets to the point of control or overdoing it is when it becomes a problem. I have made many changes these past couple weeks in embracing myself that have changed my outlook and made life a lot better for me. Because I like things clean I had this goal that was unattainable and I just recently made it attainable and I am putting it into action. My past goal of cleaning the whole house once a day and then deep cleaning once a week. Which I have now realized in unrealistic in a perfect "Lindsay World" it would be fabulous but I don't live in that world so my new goal is one chore a day and each day of the week is assigned a chore. Monday- Paperwork
Tuesday-Bathrooms
Wednesday-Wash Furniture
Thursday-Dusting/Windows
Friday-Floors
Saturday-Laundry/iron
Sunday-Rest
Everyday-Planner and Clean Kitchen after meals
This system which I have accepted as acceptable works much much better than the other because I can actually do this one and I don't get overloaded and frustrated and give up most of the time. And my housework actually gets done more efficiently.

Another change I have made is accepting the fact that I love my planner I love having my routine and I love my chore charts for the girls and I love our house rules especially the one where we only eat in the kitchen and I have accepted that even if this is not the norm for all families it is what I want and it is what is working for me. I have also accepted that if I what these things to always work there is change in life so there will also need to be a change in the way things are organized but if I keep it organized I will be happy.

Accepting Others...

The most difficult people to accept sometimes are the ones you think should be a certain way which are not. Loved ones for example. There have been some things that I have been hurt by from my father recently and I shared them with him. I expected things to go a lot better and then hopefully get a better relationship with him. But what I realized was that he is content with the current situation and does not wish to change it he was very defensive and blaming. His intentions are good but he feels a victim and picked on so I feel like I will not be able to change that and in turn that means he will continue to feel that way and judge me based on that paradigm. It's best for me to accept him and his view on things so that I do not have false hope and just acceptance of the current situation and if times heals it then that is the only thing that will because my voice which I'm glad I was able to share it gave me more confidence in myself but it did not change things and I can at least know that I have a voice and I have feelings and even though he was not willing to validate them I can validate them for myself.

Lessons in Progress...
#1: Changing myself has been really not about changing me but accepting me. Which has in turn changed me and my disposition and the way I deal with other people because I can confidently and kindly say how I feel.

#2: Even though I was not able to resolve the conflict I was having with my father I was able to resolve it with myself. I know I spoke to him respectfully and kind and I know I validated his feelings and I know I stood up for me and my feelings which in the end is a victory for me.

#3: I can't change others but I control myself and my feelings and I cannot keep allowing my feelings to be hurt so accept how others view the relationship so I don't keep putting myself in a position to be hurt.

#4: Sharing my feelings is a major part of accepting myself and most people will accept them and even in the cases where people do not you cannot risk holding them back for that reason, for risk is the only way to truly stand up for yourself.

"Change the Changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable." -Denis Waitly

Choose What you Want.

I find it fascinating that I often choose something based on what others think and based on how others feel even when it seems that they would not be hurt in return. I do think that my anxiety plays a big part in this, I am constantly thinking about how others think or even how I just think that they will think and it's hard to make choices because I'm so anxious about all of those things that I make myself think about which may or may not be and ultimately should demand my decisions.

Build a Bear...

So, grandma came for a visit last weekend and it's always a blast when grandma comes but this time it was an especially exciting trip because grandma took the girls to Build a Bear and let them make their own stuffed animal. I honestly didn't quite understand the hype about the place until we went there and got to see the whole process in action, the girls loved and the employee was so good with them, I was impressed with the whole experience. Anyway, the story I'm about to tell doesn't take place this day exactly. So we were at home talking about their cute cuddly toys from build a bear and one of my daughters new lovey for bedtime. And my other daughter said, "I really wanted the white one." (The White one is pictured above picture from the build a bear website.) Well Mom, Dad, and Grandpa didn't care for the white one so we thought we'd ask her if she wanted to Brown one instead. It was a perfectly innocent question on our part which she agreed that she would prefer the brown one. So she got the brown Horse and was and is very happy with it. She tell me however that she was sad that she didn't pick the white one. I decided that this was a perfect moment to teach my child about making our choices no matter what anyone else thought. It's never to early to teach the necessities of life. I also decided that it was a great moment for me to learn to just let her have the funny looking pony because she likes it. It's not going to be my Stuffy it's going to be hers to love. In the end we decided that if she would earn half the money for the white one I would pay for the other half. And she was excited that her brown pony would have a friend.

Lessons in Progress:

#1: Make your choice for you because in the end you are going to be stuck with your choice.

#2: Let your children make their choice and deal with the consequences of them. It is a good idea to give them guidance and direction but when their heart is leaning somewhere let them go, they need to gain confidence in making their choices.