The Thing I Could Do Without

I have been torturing myself with worry my whole life.  Mostly worry about what others think about me.  I went through a long time where I lost myself and became someone I didn't like, because I worried about what others thought.  I have really been working hard on finding myself and happiness and I am finding it slowly but surely!  I have many wonderful friends and family and professionals :) that have been helping me. Loosing myself in service and love towards others makes a huge difference it is really amazing how we can find ourselves through service.

 I am a passionate, assertive, friendly, outgoing, sensitive, and goal oriented person.  Sometimes in my passion for the ideas that I have and the strong love that I have for my family I can be outspoken.  I wish that people would form their opinions about you based on what they know of you and not what they hear.  I have been spoken badly about and I had such a negative response from others who thought they knew me and tried to defend themselves.  I am not judging anyone I am not accusing anyone I just want to be able to walk in the school where my children are and feel welcome and not be judged and be able to have open and honest conversations. I want to collaborate and communicate on level ground.  The frustrating part for me is that I worked so hard to try and make the school more safe not only for my kids but for so many other kids that were struggling and the other families get to benefit and I get to take the heat and judgement.  I feel like why did I speak up for everyone else when I am the only one who gets judged for this and did not receive support.  Why did I do this for others I feel like my kids are actually jeopardized because of me speaking up.  So why help the student body when it hurts my kids.  The worst part is to be judged by someone you do not even know.  I want to just go explain myself and make people understand the pain I was going through and the frustration of trying to help everyone on my own.  I just want to be done with the parent committee at school if all it is gong to do is jeopardize my personal relationships and my kids relationships in order to help the student body.

To make matters worse my husband lost his job and the rumors people are spreading are just vicious!!! I am very angry at the people starting such rumors and spreading them.  You can tell that people who used to be friendly to you are no longer friendly.  Or when friends ignore you and be cold it is hard not to be angry about the rumors when the rumors change your life and how people treat you.

I just read a wonderful talk by President Hinckley and one of the stories he talked about was a Mayor who was falsely accused of stealing something.  He spent the rest if his life defending himself to others and even in his death bed he was exclaiming that he hadn't done it.  How sad to live your life defending your honor.  The talk is here.

Lessons in progress:

I may not be able to change what others say about me and I'm not going to be able to change how others treat me because of it.  But I don't have to change me to fit what they think and I don't have to try and convince them that I'm not who they think I am.  All I have to do "is nothing" but be myself.  And if I loose friends over this then I guess they aren't truly friends.  If people cannot change their opinion of me after seeing how kind and compassionate I am, then I cannot do anything more about it.

I can still be me and be passionate and say how I feel in a respectful way and the part that I can get rid of is.... The worry about what others think about me.   I'm not changing me again so I better just stop worrying about what others think.

Release control and do my part and that is all I can do.

Forgive and remove the anger.

Photograph by Tenika

Thanks to my husband, family, and friends and teachers who support me through these hard times!

Bravery

Sometimes it takes just one person to stand up and say something isn't right.  Sometimes it takes a lot more than that.

I went for a walk down by the river and I saw a lot of beautiful things.  It always clears my head to be out in nature.  Even though I may not be the one to change the world...one small step for change and one small step for progress is a great accomplishment.

Lessons in progress:

1.) There is a lot of work to be done and the best I can do is one small step at a time!

2.) I cannot always change others or events by what I say or do so I must remember that change does not reflect effort.

3.) The world is a much bigger place then me, there is much more out there then my small little corner.  Looking at the bigger picture helps open your mind to so many possibilities and much gratitude.

Accept Defeat

When things go wrong and there is nothing more that you can do to fix it then sometimes it is time to accept defeat and keep moving forward.

The Necklaces

My girls got necklaces this year for Easter. They had pendant fairies on them with tiny jars of fairy dust. I knew the girls would love them and they did. They put them on right away and took great care of them. The next day one of my daughters had her jar of glitter in her mouth and was kind of chewing on it. And it breaks and fairy dust, aka glitter, goes everywhere including all over her mouth. I would be upset and could tell that she was but she was hiding it from us very well. I took her upstairs to get away from everyone and to clean the glitter off of her tongue and make sure that she didn't get cut. I asked her if she was sad about her necklace and immediately the wall she had up fell and the tears began to fall. "I'm really sad mom." And even though it was just a thing and maybe doesn't mean much to me I felt for her. I felt bad knowing that she tried to have a strong face because she knew that she really shouldn't have had that necklace in her mouth. It was her fault. So she should pretend like it doesn't bother her? It was okay for her to be upset I understood how she felt and I held her and let her cry and let her be disappointed. I had a friend who told me they were having another baby really close to another baby they had and she said, "I know it was my choice but I still want to be able to have feelings and share feelings when things get hard, because I know they will."

Within minutes of the first incident my other daughter tripped and fell and saved herself from falling into the entertainment stand but as she did her new necklace flung forward and hit the entertainment stand and broke. She didn't notice until later when one if her sisters saw the glitter on the ground and told her. She was sad and felt bad that her new necklace was ruined.

Later that same day the daughter with the only left jar of fairy dust didn't want to give me her necklace because she was afraid I would break or loose it. She promised herself that she wouldn't let hers break, so she put it in her coat pocket when we got ready to go swimming. When I left the house and saw the coats sitting by the front door I thought I better bring them because even though they weren't needed now, on this early spring day, they would need them when it was dark and cold and they were wet leaving the pool. So I grabbed the coats. Later, when my daughter realized I brought the coats she looked for her necklace and couldn't find it she had thoughts of a lost and broken necklace and worried about it until we got home. Luckily, we found the necklace on the porch outside the front door but unluckily the necklace had been stepped on and her glass jar was broken and there was glitter all over the porch. She was devastated. She was sad that her new necklace was broken but more then that she was upset that she had broken her promise to herself. I gave her hugs and understood why she was so upset. I hated breaking promises to myself and others.

I was also upset with myself for giving them such a breakable gift. I thought that they were tough jars but I was mistaken. I also thought they would just love them. Well, they did love them enough that they were so upset that they were broken. I felt like I set them up to fail and that wasn't my intention at all. I could easily find other jars of fairy dust to give them to replace the broken jars but sometimes it is just best to accept my mistake and move on. There were some great lessons we learned from the jars of magic glitter we sprinkled about:

Lessons In Progress:

1.) Even though it may be your fault that something bad has happened it doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have feelings about it.

2.) When something you love gets ruined or broken or lost its okay to be upset about it.

3.) When your kids or others feel upset about something that you wouldn't be upset about. Find a situation in which you felt the same way they are feeling and your heart will melt!

4.) Because I wasn't angry with the kids I was able to help them and see their side.

5.) When you don't end up doing something that you said you would do, despite your best efforts, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you are a failure. It doesn't mean that you should stop trying or that you aren't able to do something that you put your mind to, it doesn't mean that you don't have integrity. It means that sometimes things go the way we want or try but most of the time they don't. There is something better in-store for us and we must trust and accept that we don't always control everything and that things will work out for us.

6.) Trying to go back in time and fix things won't work. Accept that you make bad choices sometimes and just move on. You can't always get back what is lost.

7.) Its good that we don't have to worry about making up for what is lost because the savior makes up what we can't do. He knows those struggles we are going through and even when we mess up he is willing to put his arms around us and let us cry.

Once a Day

I've made a new resolve to do things necessary for my spiritual and mental health at least once a day. Here is the list...



1.) Prayer
2.) Read the Scriptures
3.) Read Something Inspirational
4.) Write About it
5.) Think about all the things I'm grateful for and the things that went well for the day
6.) Exercise
7.) Breath
8.) Time for me

The list may seem long but most of these things do not have to last long. If I haven't done my once a day at least once a day I do it before I go to sleep. A mini goal list for the day. I try to get them done in the morning so that my day starts out successful along with a couple of other to do's will make for a positive day because I've already succeded for the day and if I don't get them done I know that I will before I go to bed so I don't worry about it. I just do my best!

Live and Learn.

As much as I want to be right always and as much as I want to be perfect and as much as I want to get it right the first time it's not possible even if I pretend it to be that way. I hate being wrong and what's worse I hate to admit it. I also hate messing up, I have a really hard time letting it go and just learning from it and moving it past me.

I'm Wrong Sometimes...

The other day I was having an argument with my husband and as much as I was partly wrong I just couldn't admit it because even though I was mostly wrong in that moment I had a reason to be upset. So I went on with the argument thinking that I was telling him that I was partly wrong but apparently I wasn't saying it clearly enough. Saying, I understand how you are feeling isn't an admission of fault? :) Anyway, I said, "I said I was wrong there." My Husband replied, "Wait what...you did not say that." So I guess I didn't say it in so many words and when I finally said it the conversation went a lot smoother and we were able to work it out. I just hate being wrong but I guess I can't be right all the time.

Also, today at church, I teach Sunday School, I felt like I had a problem and I didn't deal with it properly and I'm struggling getting it out of my thoughts because the solution is so simple how could I not have seen it or done it at the time. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to accept that I'm not perfect and make mistakes and you know what If I don't I'm not going to be able to look at this situation and say hey I did messed up instead of making up a reason why I did it right because we all know that it wasn't. So now I can think about the solution and change it for next time. You know what it is really awesome admitting your faults and admitting when you mess up because if you don't you can't learn from the experience. whew, okay I'm glad I can say it now. I'm wrong a lot in fact probably most of the day. :) I guess that's what will make me a better person.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't get caught up in trying to be perfect. If you do you will talk yourself into thinking that everything that you do is right for some reason or another and you can't learn or grow that way.

2.) Don't beat yourself up over it. Even if the solution seems simple, it's sometimes hard to see the solution when your in the moment. Stepping back and taking a look at it will help you to see things more clearly (Supposing that you don't think that your perfect) and find a better solution so that when your faced with a similar solution in the future you will know what to do.

3.) Let it go, Admitting your fault is the first step, finding the learning experience is the next and not fearing the next time you'll encounter the situation because you know what to do this time so you can live your life and quit the fear/worry. (I know easier said then done.)

Respect Yourself.

I think once you start respecting yourself and saying what you feel and knowing that you are important enough to do those things others around you can respect you and they notice that they can't walk on you.

People Pleasing...

Me being a People Pleaser I've had a really hard time saying how I feel or doing what I need to do especially if it conflicts with how someone else feels. It is really a negative thing for my self confidence and my self concept even. I had an experience where I just said how I felt even though a friend of mine was saying something different. Because I'm not always this way she seemed shocked but really afterwords I felt more respect. If we do not respect ourselves other don't either.

This has really turned into a positive thing for me. I feel like I can make this weakness of mine into a positive thing. I still want to please people but instead of giving up myself identity to do I speak my peace in a kind way that would not be intended to hurt someone, and explain myself if necessary. But also because I like to please others it brings many good qualities. Like being a good friend and listener, and being willing to help when others need you. These are positive things that I can embrace about myself and throw out the part where I lose myself in it. The balance needs to be there.

I have really been doing my breathing twice a day and thinking positive thoughts and I have been not only recognizing the times that I do mess up but also making efforts to change them. This is giving me more confidence to say what I think and have more confidence in my choices.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: I need to give myself enough respect to say what I feel and give myself the time that I need so that I'm not always giving so that I can also give to myself.

#2: Embrace myself even the weaknesses because they can only make me stronger.

#3: Constantly worrying about what others think about me and how they might react if I disagree is a waste of time and energy it's also counterproductive and unnecessary, and mostly it causes a lot of anxiety.

#4: The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I have to change what I am thinking and my actions if I expect to recover from anxiety.

#5: Don't forget my breathing and meditation in the morning it grounds me and is helping me change my thinking and behavior and therefore easing the Anxiety.

Think Before You Speak.

Often times I just say what I'm thinking and don't really think about how others will interpret it until after and then I just replay it over and over again. And sometimes I really do hurt people and I say something I haven't thought through yet or didn't really mean. And then I spend forever thinking about it and interpreting anything somebody else says through it, and even after I talked to the person about it I still feel bad about it. It's Exhausting.

Misinterpretation:

This week my husband thought I was trying to say I wanted to split and I felt terrible about the whole thing and he's over it and I torment myself. All I was trying to do was explore myself and why I act the way I do sometimes. Anyway, we're all good and I just feel like I want to keep my mouth shut.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 If I could reverse this a little and think before I speak instead of torture myself after I would be a lot less anxious.

#2 Realize that everyone says things that they don't want to sometimes so they are understanding and willing to forgive.

Focus on the Details.

Part of Anxiety, for me anyway, means I feel like I'm not really there a lot of the time. Because instead of enjoying what's really going on right in front of me I'm worrying are even just thinking about other things. I really have been dealing with things a lot better and been able to pass by things better, and I don't have this anymore all the time but it still happens a lot. I was thinking what if I tried to focus on the details of a situation that might help me think about the situation I'm in better. Like thinking about my five senses, of course I wouldn't want to do this all of the time because then I might be more anxious trying to think about too many things. Maybe for instances such as intimacy or for me yesterday Dance class.

Dance...

I was at work worrying and I couldn't remove it from myself to concentrate on what was going. I felt like such a nerd with all of the parents there watching and I was just falling apart, or so it felt to me. We got through the dress rehearsal but I knew that there were a lot of things that I needed to change that I couldn't because I just wasn't fully there that day. Which I really am usually pretty good at removing worry from work but yesterday was an exception. And I had parents giving me suggestions to problems that I knew were there but hadn't fixed and so I was quite embarassed. I was remembering my dance classes and some of the exercises that we used to do that really helped us with choreography and emotions. And they had to do with Details. For example, one time we were doing a dance based off of a statue, yes it was modern interprative dance, and we looked at each and every part and angle and we really focused on what it looked like, smelled like, felt like, sounded like, and every detail that there was to find on that statue in fact I could probablly describe it in detail to you today. The point I'm trying to make is that it was impossible to dance and feel everything that that statue was and be it because we really knew and understood it. So if I could keep dealing with my problems so that I can clear my brain of them and focus on what is going on right in front of me and see all aspects of something while I'm in the moment I can be in that moment and really be there I won't feel like I'm watching my life maybe I can feel like I'm in my life.

Lessons in Progress:

#1 Focusing on the details can help me to be in the moment that I am in.

#2 If I am constantly worrying about something else I can't really enjoy what I'm doing, like when I'm spending time with my kids and husband.