What Do I Really Want?

I still Haven't quite figured this one out for myself yet...Any help with this one would be great?!?

The Question is...

Why can't I change some behaviors that I really do not like about myself? i.e. yelling at others when I'm angry or not saying what I want nicely or going to bed early and rising early etc.

When I change my behavior I'm not getting what I want. Is that why I can't change those behaviors? Am I afraid that I won't get what I want am I afraid to change, be vulnerable, or admit I'm doing something wrong?

So when I get angry it's usually because I am not getting what I want. I realize that I cannot always have what I want. Is what I want unreasonable? Do I need to make a change in the way I think about what I want?

For instance one circumstance would be I'm angry when I want to do something for myself and then I am not able to because someone else needs me which is equally important to me. Maybe I am torn between helping myself and helping someone and then intern angry with myself if I want to help myself because I know that what I really want in this life is to help and inspire others. But can I fully do this is if do not also help myself?

Okay one thing I have come up with is to try and slow my thinking down a bit and ask myself in each situation, "What do I really want?" If I really want to help someone else then I will happily stop what I am doing and help if I really am spent and can't do more than what I am doing I will do something for myself. And then maybe I won't be torn and I can feel happy helping and I can feel happy doing something for myself too instead of guilty and angry. If when I ask myself this question and what I really want goes with my values then I know I am on the right track. Then maybe it will be easier to change some behaviors I'm not so happy with and be able to enjoy the things that I ultimately choose to do.

A list of values that I can refer to: (From Young Women's.)
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity
Honesty
Virtue


Lessons in Progress:

1) Maybe what I want conflicts sometimes so it is unreasonable because I can't have it all, all the time. So I need to choose one or the other instead.

2.) Ask myself, "What do I really want?"

3.) Be honest when telling myself what I really want and need.

To Love

It's amazing the difference it makes in behavior, outlook, self-esteem, and happiness when you decide it's okay to love yourself and allow others to love you.

Daily Mistakes...

Each and everyday is filled with both a jar half empty or full and even if it's leaning toward one way or the other you can always find the good, that is the glory in opposition in all things. No matter what we can find good in it. I feel like I can be grateful and find all of those good things but when it comes to me making a mistake I have the hardest time getting past it. I hate it, absolutely hate making mistakes. I am a fairly capable and knowledgeable person and I am able to make good and correct choices most of the time. But the reality is that it is impossible to do it 100% of the time. So inevitably I make mistakes pretty much daily. One mistake takes my Jar full of water no matter what level of fullness or emptiness it is at and it drops a big black drop of food coloring in it and turns the whole thing black murky and miserable. I have come to realize recently that the big black drop of die that perverts my clean water is telling me that because I am not perfect I am no longer worthy of being loved. And because I feel like I am no longer able to be loved I push away those around me that I do love because, "How could people like or enjoy me or love me if I make mistakes, if I'm not perfect, if I don't live up to what they need or want from me." These thoughts and feelings would bring me down and make life miserable making me more inclined to make even more mistakes then the first that was most likely a very innocent mistake. It would become a very vicious cycle for me.

Turning Points...
I remember a story of when I was in Junior High School and I was sleeping over at a friends house who lived a couple blocks away. And we were up late giggling and having a ball it was past midnight and into the early morning and I started to feel sick and I couldn't sleep and my friend, who, by the way, was a hypochondriac, suggested very strongly that she thought I should go home to sleep and be with my family. I agreed and walked home in the dark cold and I got to my house and realized that I did not have a house key I knocked quietly on the front door but not enough for anyone to hear while they slept. And instead of bothering anyone or inconveniencing anyone I would have rather sleep on the front porch in the cold without a coat or blanket and with the flu. As I was thinking about this memory I thought, "What if that was my daughter cold and sick out on the front porch I would have been so sad and would have wanted to reach out to her and love her and take care of her even if it was 2 or 3 in the morning." And it occurred to me that I was worth it too. That it was okay for me to bother someone or need something and that it was okay for me to love myself enough to knock a bit louder or to ring the doorbell or go knock on my parents window, that I was worth it.

The greatest love and example of love that I know is from my savior, Jesus Christ. I am so truly grateful that I have been able to feel of his love and that I have been able to have others bless me from their love and concern to help show me that I am worth it that I am loved even when I don't get everything right. In Mark Chapter 12 versus 30 and 31 Jesus talks about the greatest commandment and that it is to "^alove the Lord thy God with all thy ^bheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy ^cstrength" and that the second greatest is like it "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." I truly believe that loving our selves is included in this and that in order for us to fully love like we need to we must first love ourselves, mistakes and all. As I put my trust in the lord and in his love for me I know that I can change and that I can have my thoughts turn to him and to love instead of feelings of despair and hopelessness. For I know that he loves me enough to care about my tears and my anguish and I am truly grateful for him. Through him my best is good enough and he can make up the difference and he continues to care and love despite my weakness and imperfections. People do have limitations and do make mistakes and therefore I can forgive those who have not loved me when I have faltered and failed and will love myself instead and continue to do my best daily.

Lessons in Progress:

1) Love yourself

2) Love Others

3) Don't let negative thoughts get us down instead turn our thoughts to the Lord and his love and trust in him.

Trust Yourself!

So the lesson that I learned at church today and I did not want to for get was to trust myself, and don't fear.

I must admit that I am very much a rule follower. But as of late need to remember that my opinion and what I think could also be a rule. And that I know a lot and I have a lot of knowledge in a lot of things. Such as Dance I have a lot of experience in dance. I know a lot of moves and can do a lot of choreography and sometimes I doubt myself and fear that I won't remember all of the things that I've learned. Instead I need to be confident in myself, my ability, and my knowledge. And that the more I fear the less I can do and the more I believe in myself and do my best the more that I can do. The first Presidency message in the new Ensign really emphasized and helped me in realizing this concept for me. Check it out, Living the Abundant Life by President Thomas S. Monson.

Time is Relative

There is only a certain amount of time in everyday! I can only do so much. I like to plan and get things done and accomplish a lot. I even love the time that I have planned to be spontaneous with the kids :). I feel very successful when I am able to accomplish my days plan and when I can get everything done in the times that I thought I would get them done. I get an "Ahhhh" feeling and then I even enjoy a little break.On the other hand, there are those days when you don't get to cross off all of the tasks and to do's on your days plan and those days make me cringe, grouchy, angry, and disappointed. Man those days are a pain in the rear, everyone has them. I have been having a lot of those days lately especially when it comes to things that you need to get done that involve help from someone else. It's not that I feel like people have to cater to my every whim the minute I want them to, it's just, you know, my plan and my idea of a timeline that something needs to be done and if I worked hard all day on trying to get something done that cannot be finished because I need someone else to help I feel helpless and like a failure. The next thing that gets in the way is stuff. And what I mean by stuff is all those unexpected events that happen everyday that you have no way of planning for or controlling...like for instance when the washer decides it doesn't want to shut off and pours tons of water all over the floor and in every nook and cranny of the house. Or when your daughter spills her juice all over the floor or when you have a friend that needs your help, or when someone calls and wants you to do annoying paperwork. The list goes on and on, and when I am attending to those events rather than my plan my mind goes, "Lindsay you are sooooo lazy, and oh my goodness look at all of those tasks on your list that did not get done, you are not a good person, you are a failure." I guess thinking those kinds of thoughts would make a person grouchy, annoyed, and angry.

So, what's a person to do with this. Well get rid of those thoughts because they simple aren't true! Let's get real with ourselves and our life. If I simply could not finish something because of events that were outside of my control that does not mean that I am lazy, and it does not mean that my efforts weren't successful. Even though events do not turn out the way that we plan and the way we have worked for them to turn out it doesn't give our work any less meaning. In terms of unexpected events happening during the day. I have to remember that I choose to handle the spilled juice first and I choose to help someone first and I choose to clean up water all over the house first and choosing to do those things first means that I 'm choosing them as a priority over something that was on my to do list. So I feel like those things are important and I am doing them because I want to not because I have to and if I choose to do those unexpected happenings rather than feel like I have to do them because "the outside universe made me do it!" I will be happier and more joyful about doing them and I won't feel like I'm letting more important list items go by the wayside and therefore I can feel successful about my day.

Time is relative and it does keep going there will be more time to do those tasks on my plan and if a deadline ends you don't, you keep going and the things that are most important can keep getting done when the time is right. I hate those items at the bottom of my to do list that keep getting put at the bottom of the to do list. But I have to remember that they are there for a reason, something more important and time sensitive is happening that needs to happen now. Like my family practitioner reminded me when I was getting a mole removed, you will either have a mole here or a scar. And that's the way it is with our lists. We will always have something at the bottom of our list weather it is something new or something from last year. We decide what goes there and we decide when it gets to move up the list. We choose how we spend our time so there is no sense in getting angry or upset or blaming someone or the universe for things that you "have to do or can't do."

Lessons in Progress:

1.) Make a plan and make a to do list.

2.) Those things on my list that I want to get done may have to changed to accommodate more important events.

3.) When I do have to change it does not mean that I have failed, it just means that I had more important things to do.

4.) When I cannot control what others do or the outcome of my work I remember that my work is still worth what I put into it and that makes me successful.

5.) I choose what to do with my time nothing or no one makes me do it.

6.) Stop telling lies about myself that simply aren't true, they only make me angry and less capable of handling problems.

7.)Time keeps on going, I will have more time another day!

Don't try Running...

...away from thing that you can't run away from. Think how frustrating and hopeless it feels trying to get rid of something you can't get rid of or trying not to have something that you just have.

Part of Life...

There are many things that are just a part of life. I have the hardest time accepting those things and just working through it. So, let's see....what are some of those things? Hmmm Okay like feeling sad and mad and frustrated and anxious. I hate feeling those things I do my best at trying not to feel those things and when I do have to feel those things I get mad and upset. Because I'm trying so hard not to feel them that it makes me mad when I do. The reality is that I have to feel those things, everybody does. So trying to run from them is not only impossible but it makes it worse. Maybe they could be good things. Maybe feeling sad could be a good thing and maybe being mad could be a good thing as long as I control myself and deal with them I could feel happy afterwards. I mean afterall that could be a good sign of me being human and living life. I could stop pinching myself. :)

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Stop running!

2.) Accept my feeling and work through them.

3.) Be confident in myself and believe that I can control myself and that I can cope and deal with any problem at hand. I am a capable person.

Once a Day

I've made a new resolve to do things necessary for my spiritual and mental health at least once a day. Here is the list...



1.) Prayer
2.) Read the Scriptures
3.) Read Something Inspirational
4.) Write About it
5.) Think about all the things I'm grateful for and the things that went well for the day
6.) Exercise
7.) Breath
8.) Time for me

The list may seem long but most of these things do not have to last long. If I haven't done my once a day at least once a day I do it before I go to sleep. A mini goal list for the day. I try to get them done in the morning so that my day starts out successful along with a couple of other to do's will make for a positive day because I've already succeded for the day and if I don't get them done I know that I will before I go to bed so I don't worry about it. I just do my best!

Expectations

My anxiety is sometimes caused by my outrageous expectations.

I have too high of expectations for what can actually be achieved either realistically or physically or timing and it sucks. It causes me a lot of anxiety.

Shifts...

My husband works shifts, four days of twelve hours and then four days off. Well, on his four days off we get so much done plus I enjoy my kids and I'm just loving life. Well, on his four days on he works eight to eight so he's pretty much gone the whole time the girls are awake and it's a pretty long day for me. Not to mention that my expectations are set at overload from the days that he has just had off so I am working full power trying to get everything done that I have on my list. Which is just as long as the list that I had on his days off by the way. And I am just so frustrated and overspent and mad at myself for not acheiving more by the end of the day.

What I forgot to change was my expectations of what I was going to get done that day. I forget that my time is doubled when my husband is home so my list should be cut in have when he's at work and then I could enjoy the day but also have a realistic expectation of what I could get done.

Lessons in Progress...

1.) Don't expect miracles expect progress. However, I do believe in miracles I just think that expecting them on a regular basis sets you up to be hurting and disappointed.

2.) A change in expectation is a change in attitude.

Trials Make us Stronger.

At this point I'm not saying this because I'm at the point where the trial has made me stronger but I'm saying it because I hope it does make me stronger after I'm done with this doozy, I guess I'm never done at all anyway but when it gets to the point where it goes a bit easier. Though I suppose it will only be to prepare myself for the next doozy in which case I'm hoping I'll be stronger and a lot more apt to handle it.

I don't have enough time or energy to go into detail about this doozy soooooo...

Lessons in progress...

1.) Believe in Good will, people are usually trying to do what's best and not trying to put you down.

2.) When people mess up you have to forgive or else your stuck with the burden.

3.) Do your best with the situation you are given. Realize what you can control and what you can't and work on those things that you do control.

4.) Time to process and work through things is key don't expect immediate fixes for problems and don't feel pressure in making choices right away when you don't have all the information yet.

Find the Learning Experience

Although I understand that there can be good to every experience it isn't always easy to find. Often times the worst experiences that we have are really learning experiences and that's how we can make them positive and work for us in the future.

My Life right now...

is full of some of those worst moments that you just know aren't going to get better unless you just face it and fix it. While I was sitting here trying to decide what to write I couldn't decide so I counted 10 different things, on my fingers thank goodness I didn't have anymore things or I would have ran out of fingers. And they are really hard things, things that just can't fix themselves out easily. I'm glad that I have decided to face them and fix them instead of hide them inside of me.

I'm really sad that I lost my grandpa a couple weeks ago. It's really hard to loose someone you love and have such good memories with but at the same time he was suffering and I'm glad that he doesn't have to anymore. I'm glad that I know that he's in a better place with my Heveanly Father right now.

I don't know what it is about bad things in life but it seems like they all catch you at once. I feel like I've been out of order for quite a while now. At first I kept trying to push all my feelings away and disregard them and I was having a lot of anxiety over it much like how I used to do things. Then I realized that I had to accept my feelings and accept how things really are and what I really wanted in life and that I would be okay in the end no matter what happened as long as I was honest with myself. And I've been really sad but at least now I can say I'm going to learn something from this even though it really hurts.

Lessons in Progress...

#1: When you fear something that you think is so terrible you can't confront it and you can't be confident in your choices and feelings. So let go of the fear and face it head on, honestly.

#2: Hiding feeling that you don't want to have only makes it so that you can't have feelings that you do want to have and deserve to have.

#3: Making choices in this life is hard to do and there isn't always an easy answer but if you take some time think about what you really want even if it may be harder you can feel better about yourself and be that much more commited to your choice.

#4: Don't let life just lead you, you lead your life.

#5: Just when you think life is really really bad it's important to remember all the things that are great too, there is always a few somethings.

"I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." - Dr. Seuss

Hope Gets You Through It.

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things that just feel like they are never going to happen and the more I work for them the farther away they seem.

My Garden...

I worked really hard on planting seeds and watering and weeding and planning and it was a lot of work to get my garden growing I was already a bit disappointed that some of the seeds weren't growing but I had a lot growing and they were coming strong and they were about to grow flowers, and then my husband came by with the weed spray and killed half of my flowers. I was so disappointed and I lost hope and I didn't even care about the ones that were still there I stopped weeding it and I was just so upset about all the things that were killed.

Instead of seeing all the good that was still there all I could see was the setbacks instead of working with what I had I was about to have nothing. So I picked myself bakc up and had hope that I would still have half of a garden and I started weeding it again and sure enough I have some beautiful flowers.

It's a lot like how I've been feeling like my progress with life. I work really hard at something and then I just seem to fall and I forget that falling down doesn't undo all of the progress I've made unless the fall makes me quite trying. I have to have hope that things will get better so I can keep trying so that I can endure the falls and get back up and enjoy the things that get me to where I want to be.

Lessons in Progress...

#1 Falling down doesn't mean that you've failed it just means that you have to get up and keep going.

#2 Hope is the light to help you get through it, hope for things that aren't but can be and will be if you keep trying.

#3 Even though half of it is bad the other half is good.